Drowning

Time just stood still. It's been weeks now and there is nothing much I could really do besides screaming inside. The world has suddenly turned into a place where I fear to stand in. But what else could I do really? 

The vulnerability in me grew but it was the least you could really care for right now. You lie there every day and night wishing it will eventually goes away. But will it go? At this point of time, no one could understand what is the magnitude of suffering you have to bear. No one is able to do anything and no one will able pull you through. The most painful part was, you have to put up a smile to anyone that asked "how are you doing?" 

Times like this, you realized what kinda people you are surrounded with. Who else are really left there beside you to hold you on and walk with you? But in the end, nothing matters. It doesn't matter at all who were there and who weren't there. You know one thing certain is they are not you. You only have yourself to hold on to. 

Yes, imma just a normal person that walks this earth and sometimes do expect. But one thing about expectation is that it will always be a bitch. Everyone just wanted a bite from what you have on your plate. But I can't blame it on anyone but myself. I let them take the bite. All these emotions building up inside just keeps boiling. And I am drowning within and there ain't anyone could make it stop. 

The only peace I can have right now is just burying myself in my own music. Bringing out all the old demos with you on every track gives me a certainty. A certainty that there is one person I could hold on to. There was one stanza in the lyrics - 

Meet me when imma in hell. You made it feel like it was yesterday. So keep yourself well, and bring me into your show. 

It made sense now that why I am holding back. I know that you were there for me, I know that you will not forsake me when the world seems bright. The ones I need now can't be here right now. They are in Melborne, Sweden and KL. It only seems that our music is the only thin that is keeping me from falling apart. It reminds me for who I am and who you are. I know that things have to change from now. But how will I go on from here? Or where should I go on from here? Is it too much if I am asking it all to stop?