Unknown

The unknown is something that we all have to adapt to. I know that I've been really lazy to write anything that is personal. Or maybe I am just avoiding that part right now. For all that is worth, maybe I just needed that space where I could feel safe. I wouldn't say the past few weeks were easy, but just somehow, no one could actually I could really let it all out. Maybe there is... I just choose not to at the moment. Why? I have no idea what my fucking brain is thinking either.

Maybe it is just a way I cope with all these. I wish phone calls will stop. It doesn't do me any good. And there is so much that is going on right now and I got no idea how to deal with. The stress I am under is something I needed to learn to deal with. I know everyone has their own shit. But just.. I don't know.. I feel just helpless.

Will be heading back to NYC real soon. But something in me just felt that should I even start thinking of that? Or I just needed that time to heal.

I blame my own for everything that is crumbling, but what else I could do to not to feel at all? All these while, it was just like it was so surreal. I know everything will be temporary, but what the hell I am fussing with? I hated the fact that sometimes I couldn't do anything to make it better.

There is so much negativity swirling through my thoughts all the time and it really needed to stop. I got no idea is the side effects of the meds or it is just me losing my mind. I wanted to understand everything better, and I wanted it to go away right now. Or... I just wanted to be invisible.... I didn't want anyone to hear me out, I didn't want anyone to just be there for me, I didn't wanted any of it. What is going wrong with me?