Trapped In Time

In a world of sin and desire, I have also become your slave.
At any point, I paid a price that caused me so much of miseries.
No one to blame, no one to turn to, I take everything up as a man.
In so many other ways, the pain is really nothing compare what the heart has caused.
I am now at a point of making a change in life. I have made too many mistakes in life.
The one that I really with take to my grave is the one that I have hurt the person I love.

As of today, my parent called me up just as usual saying hi.
And suddenly, " How are things going between you two now? "

I kept silence, I was being taken by surprise. I do not know how to react to that statement.
I wish I would be able to say that things are going to be fine. But somehow, I think we know where we are heading towards. At least for me I know where my path lays.
For months now, I have been going through that feeling of emptiness, hoplessness, and sadness.
But in many ways, I know things gonna be just fine. I am and will be well.
Life may be tough but it isn't as tough as I thought it would be.

The mind comes to a point where it makes me feel that life is worth living.
At least to me it is. living in remorse, living to a future which is uncertain, living towards a hope.
This is what keeping going on. This is what I will be holding on.
All for what is within me will always stay within.
I will live my life my way. I will work through everything that I have made my mind up.
With love, faith, dreams and hope. This is my way.
The path may be very hard now, but towards where I am heading.
It is worth every bit of effort to be well in life.

Leaving Behind

Officially leaving behind room 979.
I hope this will be a new begining for me.
The question of how much I missed my baby doesn't have to be written again and again.
Life is miserably hard here now. But I am doing my best to get on my feet on it.
I never doubted the love you gave in me. I know how hard it is for you.
You always wanted me to be well and happy.
But how can I be when I know deep down how you feel.
No matter what you are trying to hide, Whatever I feel, you are feeling the same thing.
Baby, I really wish I could stand up again.
But I can't lie that I really needed much more time.
I wish we will be well again. Feeling happiness again, feeling the life, feeling the love we share.
I know I was wrong but I am changing myself.
One day.. one day..

Leaving this room somehow isn't that hard. Things in life reflects every bit.
The moment that I have been going through these few weeks.
I know I can't keep on running away from life and people who care.
God, please give me a chance. Please give me a chance to live again.
There are still so much I wanted to do. There is so much I wanted to love.
Please don't give up on me. I won't give up of myself.
because life is simply worth living every moment in life.

I really hope I will never come back to this place ever again.
I wanted to get well so bad. I just wish things will just past.
I really missing you right this moment.
I just somehow hope you would feel it.
Still loving you, Baby J~

Life is worth living. More than anything else~

Black Hole

I am trying to comprehend a lot that had happen these few weeks.
To all the readers who send me mails, I am still well here and thanks for your concern.
It really meant a lot to me with all the support given.
But in many ways, I would want everyone to know, I am not seeking at all of any attention from anyone out there.
This blog like I have mention many times, It is a place for me to throw all my emotions out here and let go of all the negative energy out of me.
But still, I am thankful of all the lovely thoughts of everyone.

I am not seeking professional help from Dr Phang, a psychiatrist in KLGH.
But all the medication doesn't seems to work on me. And with my new life all alone in KL,
I can't help the fact I am running away from reality.
Everyday when I start a day, everything seems fine. When I open my eyes, I am still not use by waking up alone in a strange environment where everything is in a mess.
But I know, I have to go on. Life ain't really good for now.
But I am seeing everything in a good way.
But somehow I am still running away from reality.
I numb myself with my daily activities. But when I am back at home at night,
There is where the black hole comes into the picture.
I felt sharp pains going through my heart, like knifes cutting through me again and again and again.
The loneliness, the emptiness, everything sucks into me.
I am really tired. But I don't know how to overcome this.

A friend somehow told me something.
Maybe you are torturing yourself in a way you hope that you can suck in the pain to lessen the pain from the person you love.
It doesn't make sense to me at first, but somehow, now, I really see what that means.
I was hoping I could take in all the pain than two people suffers.
I really do not know what else I could say anymore at this point.

I have convey my love to my baby,
I am remorsing from my mistakes,
I am changing to be a better person,
But what I can do, I realise I can't take away the pain you are going through.
Cause I know my pain is still so fresh. how can this just end everything.
Every heart beats now, It is all just pure pain.
I really wish, I really wish.
If I could, I wish to suffer for the rest of my life than you suffer.
No doubt, I love you. But I don't know you anymore.
Or I should say, you don't wanna let me know you anymore.

What you are going through deep down, I could understand.
I could feel every single thing.
But on the surface, everything seems so unreal now.
And I slap myself in a way, I am in no position to say anything anymore.
I still miss you very much. I hope I can recover. I hope I can be well and happy too.
But I wouldn't lie to myself anymore.
I am embracing my pain. I have to because, I know the answer I have in my heart,

I still love you very much Baby J~

* Squeezing Elmo in my hands *