Black Hole

I am trying to comprehend a lot that had happen these few weeks.
To all the readers who send me mails, I am still well here and thanks for your concern.
It really meant a lot to me with all the support given.
But in many ways, I would want everyone to know, I am not seeking at all of any attention from anyone out there.
This blog like I have mention many times, It is a place for me to throw all my emotions out here and let go of all the negative energy out of me.
But still, I am thankful of all the lovely thoughts of everyone.

I am not seeking professional help from Dr Phang, a psychiatrist in KLGH.
But all the medication doesn't seems to work on me. And with my new life all alone in KL,
I can't help the fact I am running away from reality.
Everyday when I start a day, everything seems fine. When I open my eyes, I am still not use by waking up alone in a strange environment where everything is in a mess.
But I know, I have to go on. Life ain't really good for now.
But I am seeing everything in a good way.
But somehow I am still running away from reality.
I numb myself with my daily activities. But when I am back at home at night,
There is where the black hole comes into the picture.
I felt sharp pains going through my heart, like knifes cutting through me again and again and again.
The loneliness, the emptiness, everything sucks into me.
I am really tired. But I don't know how to overcome this.

A friend somehow told me something.
Maybe you are torturing yourself in a way you hope that you can suck in the pain to lessen the pain from the person you love.
It doesn't make sense to me at first, but somehow, now, I really see what that means.
I was hoping I could take in all the pain than two people suffers.
I really do not know what else I could say anymore at this point.

I have convey my love to my baby,
I am remorsing from my mistakes,
I am changing to be a better person,
But what I can do, I realise I can't take away the pain you are going through.
Cause I know my pain is still so fresh. how can this just end everything.
Every heart beats now, It is all just pure pain.
I really wish, I really wish.
If I could, I wish to suffer for the rest of my life than you suffer.
No doubt, I love you. But I don't know you anymore.
Or I should say, you don't wanna let me know you anymore.

What you are going through deep down, I could understand.
I could feel every single thing.
But on the surface, everything seems so unreal now.
And I slap myself in a way, I am in no position to say anything anymore.
I still miss you very much. I hope I can recover. I hope I can be well and happy too.
But I wouldn't lie to myself anymore.
I am embracing my pain. I have to because, I know the answer I have in my heart,

I still love you very much Baby J~

* Squeezing Elmo in my hands *