Maybe

I guess it is just one of those nights you just can't help wondering about the good and the bad. Time flies and sometimes, I wondered how much things I have missed out because of the circumstances. 

I am about to step in my second year being cancer free. Yes it should be a celebratory feat, but somehow behind my head, I can't help wondering if the big C is creating back in my body. It's just a sick feeling in my gut that I can't help to feel.

Me and Leo just made it through 19 months. It has been great for us, but at the back of my mind, somehow I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Honeymoon period should've ended, but.. Somehow.. It just never stop. Some what unnatural I think.. 

Life is somehow very smooth and good to me. But why am I having all these bad feeling about it? Of course there are some hard things and small matters we have bumped into but we make it through. Leo has been more than what he is suppose to be. But if I was honest to myself, I can't help to feel somehow is he just too good for me and I am not deserving.

Did my early years fucked me up that bad that I think things wouldn't be this easy? Why am I anticipating all the negative things and harness those bad energy in me? Am I just that fucked up? Or I just think this life now I am living in is unreal?

There is so much going on in my head and all I wanna do is run. I just wanted to get to the airport and fly to you. The first face I see when I get out from the arrival hall is you. Maybe that would ease my worries.. Maybe.. 

But all I can do now is just pull it through the week before I can see you. All I can do is fantasizing all the little small things I've planned for the whole week. Maybe that is the only thing I am looking forward to without and fears.. But.. Maybe... 

Something Good

When you have something good, protect it.

Guard it. Look after it. Make sure no one is trying to steal it. Know its worth, understand its value and don’t tell everyone about it. Don’t let people put a discount on it. Don’t let people make you doubt how precious it is. Don’t talk about how you’re scared of losing it or question if it was worth the investment. When you have something good, keep it safe, don’t risk losing it because you didn’t know what to do with it.

When you have something good, love it.

Be kind to it. Look beyond the minor imperfections or minor bruises, don’t try to make it spotless or whole again, love it the way you got it, the way you found it, the way you just couldn’t take your eyes off it when you first saw it and how you kept thinking about it all night. Love it the way you did when all you wanted to do it was get it and what it took for you to get your hands on it. Love it even though at times you will not understand why you bought it or why you wanted it so much. Love it because deep inside it’s what you want but you’re afraid of getting so attached to something you just got. When you have something good, admire it, don’t try to lose it because you think you don’t deserve to have something that good.

When you have something good, understand it.

Understand who owned it before you, which homes did it live in before it found yours and if it was taken good care of or left unattended in a dark room. Understand the history behind it, know the details of how it was made, how it came to life, and what kind of pressure it had to go through to look that good. Delve deeper into the things that make it so special and then try to understand why you are the best person to have it. Why it will be safe in your hands. When you have something good, don’t be scared of how precious it is – precious things find precious homes.

When you have something good, don’t go looking for something better.

When you have the real thing, don’t look at the competition, don’t look at the cheaper fake versions, don’t look at the new models or the different colors and don’t forget why you loved it so much when you’re distracted by all the new things you keep looking at. If you’re always looking for something better you will never appreciate what you have. If you’re always looking for something better, you may not realize that what you have is already the best.