Fame

You want big dreams, You want fame? 

Well fame cost! And it all starts here and start sweat!

That is the exact words at the beginning of the movie. The perfect monologue to a great movie! It is a great throwback to the days in Berklee. It just put a smile on me. We all started that way, the things we wanted and the things we wanna achieve. It is a good 8 years since I graduate. And where I am standing is just the place I always wanted to. Or it is even more than I wanted. 4 studio albums production, 1 musical, and 7 tours. For a 29 year old, that is really a lil overwhelming.

Life is seriously very kind to me. Yes there will always be those bad days, and the bad decisions made in life, and the fall and mistakes we do. There are so much in life that has given too. I really don't know why, but writing this just makes me starts tearing. Happy tears I suppose...

Writing wasn't a passion initially when I graduated. When I was being signed to my first label, all I wanted to do is get my songs out. But it didn't happen with my first label. But when things picked up, everything you learn from it, it just push you towards the way you wanted to write. And with everything in life that I went through, I guess that is my greatest asset. A thing that no one could possible have. A place where I belong.

The first snowing night after recording, I walked back home and I thought to myself, now where I should go from here. I wanted to connect, I wanted to move. As naive as I was at that age, I am a breeding ground of all my mistakes. From betrayal, to guilt, to lies and to even wrecking myself. I never listen to anyone has to say. But we grow from time to time.

I have love, and I have lost the love that I held in my hands. I have given myself the most utterly BS excuses to feel better. But in the end, all I learn was the more I was trying to convince myself it was okay, it wasn't at all. And at that point, the only outlet I have is my music. When I was in the "unknown" period, I guess I never told anyone about it but Rainer and Andrew. I wasn't sure about what I wanna do anymore. I did consider being a monk at one point. But I know I wasn't ready.

My point of all these memories is just it took me a long way to come to where I am standing. Let it be the cancer, or a broken heart, everything will eventually pass. I really have no idea where this path will lead me on with Dumdum, but I just know if it was meant to be, it will be. I know you never wanted me to change and like I say, maybe I am just not ready. But I am trying for your love. I love the you for you. Not for what others might think you are. Flamboyant much? All I see is a man standing there wanted to love the other without anything clinging on. If I could, I just wanted to hide right behind you all the time. I know, I don't have to prove anything. I am just myself.

We're always proving who we are. Always pushing towards the way which is right. But when I am down, where should I even be? The more I wanted to push this away, the more lonely it will feel. I sometimes wonder where I've been, and do I fit in. I may not be but I just wanted to belong. But where do I really belong? Where is a place that I wouldn't be judge?

I know I am everywhere in this post. Or maybe I am not ready and the medication side effects is kinda killing me. I know there are so much that I can still give. And I am glad that I still have my music. My safe haven. It's just a place I know I wouldn't care if I was being judge. It is a place where I know where I can put myself out. I wouldn't say it was easy to get here, but I can go against all odds to be here, so can anyone else. Don't let judgement bring you down, don't let sickness bring you down, don't let others bring you down. The only person can break you is you.

I do know now that it is all messed up for me, but yet I am still having some faith. That at least tomorrow might be better.

There is something success is not. It's not fame, it's not money or power, it's just not. Success is waking up in the morning, so excited about what you gonna do. You literally fly out the door. It's getting to work with people you love. Success is connecting with the world, and making people feel. It's finding a way to bond people who have nothing in common but a dream. Falling asleep at night knowing you did the best job you could. Success is joy, it's freedom and friendship. Success is love.