I'm Not Sober Anymore

I got no excuses
For all of these goodbyes
Call me when it's over
'Cause I'm dying inside
Wake me when the shakes are gone
And the cold sweats disappear
Call me when it's over
And myself has reappeared

I don't know why
I do it every time
It's only when I'm lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I'm lonely

Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore
And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor
To the ones who never left me, we've been down this road before
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore

I'm sorry to my future love
For the man that left my bed
For making love the way I saved for you inside my head
And I'm sorry for the fans I lost
Who watched me fall again
I wanna be a role model, but I'm only human

I don't know why
I do it every time
It's only when I'm lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I'm lonely

Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore
And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor
To the ones who never left me, we've been down this road before
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore

I'm not sober anymore

I'm sorry that I'm here again
I promise I'll get help
It wasn't my intention
I'm sorry to myself

Depression

In the wake of these recent and public deaths by suicide, the positive is we are able to have a dialogue about the complexities and nuance of mental health. This post is beautifully written and enlightening. I hope you spend 2 minutes and read it. Maybe we can understand ourselves and those around us better today.

Written by 

Stirling Gardner

Stop asking people to reach out when they feel depressed.

I understand that you're saying that with only the best of intentions, but that is not how it works for the depressed person.

I have experienced more bouts of depression (from mild to crippling) than I can even count as far back as I can remember.

Times when my body and mind could barely function.

Not leaving my home/bed/couch for days at a time.

Times when I didn't have it in me to even look at my phone, let alone make a call to someone.

Anxiety and depression are referred to as "crippling" for a reason. There is a chemical imbalance happening in the brain that forces you to do things you wouldn't normally do. Or in most cases NOT do things you would normally do and know you should do, which makes you feel guilty for not doing them, thus perpetuating a nasty, nasty cycle.

Depression is a mental, emotional, and spiritual black hole that you cannot see beyond when you are in it. Physically, it feels like there is something tying you to the center of the earth rendering you unable to function. I referred to it as wearing the 1000 lbs cape.

Depression is insidious and can creep up on you at any time without notice. And then, there is circumstantial depression.

Mix those two together and you are in what feels like quicksand in the middle of the blackest night with duct tape over your mouth and you only have minutes to live and no one is around. It's terrifying and bleak.

It can and does make you contemplate 100 intricate ways to kill yourself so that no one would know it was suicide. And for others, it makes them pick a more obvious and public route to end their pain.

For those of you lucky enough to have never experienced depression or anxiety, I am genuinely happy for you. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

I remember checking in on an exgf because I hadn't heard from her in a longer time than was normal for the two of us. She had been lying on her dining room hard wood floor in the fetal position for three days. I drove over - not to do or say anything in particular - but just to be a human body in her presence.

I have needed the same thing on occasion.

Most of the time, a depressed person doesn't want to talk about what's bothering them. Don't let this frustrate you.

Sometimes they do this because they don't know exactly what's going on but its scary as shit and they need a body around to feel safe.
Sometimes they aren't ready to talk about it yet.
And sometimes they are grateful for your friendship and feel guilty they would bring you down with them, too.

Yes, I know that's not rational to you, but to them it makes perfect sense.

Depression is not something you can think yourself out of. Depression is not a conscious choice.
Depression sucks.

This next sentence may piss a lot of people off, but... depression and suicide are not meant to be selfish.

When you have experienced chronic depression for long enough and get to the point where you want to free yourself from what feels like never ending darkness PLUS have a chemical imbalance happening in your brain, you truly believe the world (family and friends included) would be better off without you to worry about.

I am not asking you to agree with it. I am asking you to try to understand it in a different way...

People are not in their right state of mind when they make the decision to commit suicide. To them, it's actually the opposite of selfish... they think they would be making the world a better place if they took themselves out of it.

Let me be clear... I am not saying suicide is ever the answer. But to the depressed person not thinking logically, it feels like the logical thing to do. Referring to suicide as selfish only heaps more shame and stigma on a depressed person that hears you talking that way, making them feel even worse and shutting them down further.

Instead of judging a depressed person or telling them to "snap out of it," I have some other suggestions.

If you haven't heard from someone you know in a longer than average amount of time, YOU reach out to them.

Let them know you are there for them no matter what.

Offer to come over and just sit with them. Do not force them to talk about anything. Just BE there.

Ask them, "How can I best be here for you right now?"

And let whatever their answer is be ok with you.

They may say to just sit with them and not say a word.
They may ask you to keep checking on them with a simple text even if they don't text back.
They may ask you to make soup for them.
Or walk their dog.
Or whatever the hell it is, just be okay with it.

The gratitude they will feel for those small selfless actions is unbounded yet they won't be able to thank you in the moment.

Do it anyway.

If they don't return your calls or texts, reach out anyway. Any lack of response is not about you during those times.

I was once in such a dark, incapacitated place, I had to have the woman I was dating look up therapists, call them, make appointments for me, and drive me to those appointments.

I was once in a place so dark, I sat in my car inconsolably sobbing and stared for hours at the tree I was going to drive into.

I have written notes and left them for what I was about to do.

I have been to the absolute edge of ending my life and only been stopped seconds before by a voice deep inside that whispered "not yet."

It is humbling and downright embarrassing to admit all of this and I can only do it now that I am in a much better place and have some perspective to offer.

I am not trying to make this post about how I have been able to drastically turn my life around, but rather to share with those who are baffled by depressed people what they can do to help.

Posting suicide prevention hotline numbers is indeed a nice thing to do.
Telling people to reach out is indeed a nice thing to do.

But YOU reaching out and asking "how can I be there for you right now?" is infinitely more effective.

Trust me.

So... who are you going to reach out to today?

I love you all.

P.S. If you strongly believe or know someone is going to commit suicide and has the means to do so, it is also your job to reach out to the police.

Relationship Status

We want a second coffee cup in our Instagrams of lazy Saturday mornings, another pair of shoes in our artsy pictures of our feet. We want a Facebook official relationship every one can like and comment on, we want the social media post that wins #relationshipgoals. We want a date for Sunday morning brunch, someone to commiserate with during the drudge of Mondaze, a Taco Tuesday partner, someone to text us good morning on Wednesday. We want a plus one for all the weddings we keep getting invited to (how did they do it? How did they find their happily ever after?). But we are the generation who doesn’t want a relationship. We swipe left in hopes of finding the right person. We try to special order our soulmate like a request on Postmates. We read 5 Ways to Know He’s Into You and 7 Ways to Get Her to Fall For You, in hopes of being able to upcycle a person into a relationship like a Pinterest project. We invest more time in our Tinder profiles than our personalities. Yet we don’t want a relationship. We “talk” and we text, we Snapchat and we sext. We hangout and we happy hour, we go to coffee and grab a beer – anything to avoid an actual date. We private message to meet up, we small talk for an hour only to return home and small talk via text. We forgo any chance of achieving real connection by mutually playing games with no winner. Competing for “Most Detached”, “Biggest Apathetic Attitude”, and “Best at Being Emotionally Unavailable”, what we end up actually winning is “Most Likely to Be Alone”. We want the façade of a relationship, but we don’t want the work of a relationship. We want the hand holding without the eye contact, the teasing without the serious conversations. We want the pretty promise without the actual commitment, the anniversaries to celebrate without the 365 days of work that leads up to them. We want the happily ever after, but we don’t want to put the effort in the here and now. We want the deep connection, while keeping things shallow. We long for that world series kind of love, without being willing to go to bat. We want someone to hold our hand, but we don’t want to put the power to hurt us in their hands. We want cheesy pick up lines, but we don’t want to be picked up… for that involves the possibility of being set down. We want to be swept off our feet, yet at the same time remaining safely, independently, standing on our own. We want to keep chasing the idea of love, but we don’t want to actually fall into it. We don’t want relationships – we want friends with benefits, Netflix and chill, nudes on Tinder. We want anything that will give us the illusion of a relationship, without being in an actual relationship. We want all the rewards and none of the risk, all of the payout and none of the cost. We want to connect – enough, but not too much. We want to commit – a little, but not a lot. We take it slow: we see where it goes, we don’t label things, we just hang out. We keep one foot out the door, we keep one eye open, and we keep people at arm’s length - toying with their emotions but most of all toying with our own. When things get too close to being real, we run. We hide. We leave. There’s always more fish in the sea. There’s always another chance at finding love. There’s just such a little chance of keeping it these days… We hope to swipe right into happiness. We want to download the perfect fit like a new app - that can be updated every time there’s a hitch, easily compartmentalized into a folder, deleted when we have no more use for it. We don’t want to unpack our baggage – or, worse, help someone unpack theirs. We want to keep the ugly behind the coverup, hide the imperfections with an Instagram filter, choose another episode on Netflix over a real conversation. We like the idea of loving someone despite their flaws; yet we keep our skeletons locked in the closet, happy to never let them see the light of day. We feel entitled to love, like we feel entitled to full time jobs out of college. Our trophies-for-everyone youth has taught us that if we want something, we deserve it. Our over-watched Disney VHSs taught us true love, soul mates, and happily ever after exist for everyone. And so we put in no effort, and wonder why our prince charming hasn’t appeared. We sit around, upset that our princess is no where to be found. Where is our consolation prize? We showed up, we’re here. Where’s the relationship we deserve? The true love we’ve been promised? We want a placeholder, not a person. We want a warm body, not a partner. We want someone to sit on the couch next to us, as we aimlessly scroll through another newsfeed, open another app to distract us from our lives. We want to walk this middle line: pretending we don’t have emotions while wearing our heart on our sleeve, wanting to be needed by someone yet not wanting to need someone. We play hard to get just to test if someone will play hard enough – we don’t even fully understand it ourselves. We sit around with friends discussing the rules, but no one even knows the game we’re trying to play. Because the problem with our generation not wanting relationships is that, at the end of the day, we actually do.