I Can't Break Now

"Breaking your own heart" playing at the background. For the first time after so long. I have to admit that I am vulnerable.
Body aching, feet swelling, and somehow the body just gives in.
And I am feeding into the fears and emptiness.
Somehow for the time being, I am manage to still talk properly.
Deep down there, where the bottomless depths continues, falling into that labyrinth.
I took the courage to talk to my inspirational role model about my condition at the moment.
As strong as all the Leo are, she wanted to lessen the burden. But it has not been any and I promise that.
Nell, Thanks for listening me out. When many hears what I am conveying, you stood there and listen patiently.m
Strong words and energy felt. Metta that you shared. Sukhi hotu~
After so long for a long time, tear drops scribble down. Reading the email Emma sent.
I have felt miserable knowing you sprain yourself while you were just out there looking for a glimpse of me and a friend. Deep down, I was asking why would you do such things? You have known me for just months even we if we date the encounters which was years. Why would you stood in the rain for a prayer?
I know in many ways, this will be the very best for all.

I explained to Nell why the musical was important to me.
And after listening to all. Below are the beautiful quotes from her I wanna share with the world.

If wanna do it, give generously. Don't keep score.

Loving someone sometimes means having to let go

It takes more strength and courage to let go than just to hold on.

Whenever you are in pain, visualize yourself healthy and well.

See yourself happy with him

Wow! That is amazing. Will I meet him? 

You are loved. Lets celebrate now :)

Do you miss him?

Each time you miss him, send him love and see how that makes you feel. 

Turn everything into beautiful thoughts.

New Lyrics :

When you feel like you are in the dark,

Know that deep within you there is a spark, 

That can light up the world,

And make it glow like a pearl.

All you have to do is turn around, 

Put on a crown and thurn the frown upside down.

Feel your love flying free like a dove,

feel your joy like you've just got a new toy.

Feel it, breathe it, live it, cause you know you will make it. 

You are the inspiration of this Eric. Thank you. 

I think  I'll work on it as Glinda's song in place of my fav song.

Coz we wanna make originals ma .

Heehee

Goooooood nite

Hugz. 

I do miss him from time to time. But when she asked me how do it feel?

I would be lying that if it doesn't prickle a little. But I say I smile everytime he came into my thoughts.

Cause I have someone to miss. To me, He is a miracle.

My miracle, my home, where I feel safe.
I am happy and it is nothing sad I can assure. 

The story is beautiful.
Wanna break free, wanna be loved. 

And in the end, love is always there.

I owed him some peace. I will be lying if I say I don't miss him now.

But like what suggested. I share my love and wish you would be well and happy.

I do hope when you watch yellow brick road to oz you will understand why this is my last gift to you.

Well, I guess I have said enough for tonight. Hope you guys enjoying reading my post about love.

I hope this would be the last. From next week onwards, it will purely on the production.

Magical event coming up. I hope all my faithful readers will come to the show for an all malaysian production of Oz. I will assure you that it will not only be magical, it will filled with love and faith.

Can't wait to share it with you guys. 

Tribute to the angels out there~

All my angels~

That November

Before heading to to Logan International Airport.
I still got some time to post my last post. As I know in years to come, I will always remember two months of the year. One was June another one will be November. This is such a beautiful month and such a great place to be. With smile and tears upon this special month. I have one little last song to post. Its called " That November". I will be in the depths of writing on the musical after this. Will not be any distraction will not be any disruption. This month filled with so much emotions. It made me wanna be a better person. I know where my heart goes. This is for you. I know in years looking back I will smile and say, that was us. With a big smile on my face.

Beautiful November morning stroll in the park in Boston 

That November.

Blue and gold behind me in the bleachers

Go Comanches on makeshift cardboard signs

“We Will Rock You” blaring through the hometown speakers

As I flew from the pyramid

In the last game of my life

A string of taillights on a dark and dusty dirt road

Bon fire burning back a Tommy Collar’s farm

Jake’s leather jacket kept me from getting too cold

I was wrapped up in the moment

Wrapped up in his arms

I won’t forget

Seeing our breath How warm it felt

Out in that freezing weather

The fire on his lips

Chills on my skin

Loving him turned to embers

I’ll forever remember

That November

Heater cranked in his daddy’s Silverado
Little detour up on Cedar Hollow Ridge
I drew our names inside a heart on a foggy window
My daddy would have killed us both
If he knew what we did

The fire on his lips 
Chills on my skin
I’ll forever remember
That November

There Is A Place For Us

Sitting by the window looking at the people walking in and out from the building on a beautiful morning.

Where Carrie Underwood's There's a place for us kept playing on my iPad2.

Somehow I couldn't get myself into the realms of writing at the moment.

I am really looking forward to my very first theatre writing. I bet Nell would be disappointed in me if I still lay in my mist of a broken heart. 

I am blessed to have known Nell in person. She is my inspirational model while I was in my depression and addiction of drugs. She was the one on a phone call who woke me that beautiful people are just around us. And ever since, I slowly walked out from my depression but yet on the addiction. 

Kicking the addiction has to give to another beautiful soul in my life. As a post thanksgiving. I would wanna thank these people I have in life.

The Angel of Faith and Love - Andrew

Andrew is a pure soul. We are pretty much alike yet different. He drifted apart from an encounter during lunch hour and years later. A drama queen stood in front of me. I guess it was a defensive machanism. But soon after when we put down our mask. A certain connection linked us up. I am really glad that I have him in my life again. Even thou there are bits and parts kept us misunderstood but yet its the beauty part of you call someone a family. James thought me that. Andrew is a ball of energy where he always wanted to bring joy to others. And yet in other side of him. He is a fragile little boy. Got misunderstood for the wrong things. A respectful person. But with a soul which in need of a pure energy. He does make me smile a lot in life. He went through things to a certain extend when I didn't know he did. ( Reading back all the emails Emma sent me ) I was touched. Still am. He was the first person after a very long time who told me just be exactly who I was. And wanted to be my miracle when all hopes are dashed. You really are a miracle. You brought me out from a living which is not living. Thankful to have that honour. Showed me that love and faith is the key to keep living no matter what happen and it will keep us strong. Just hold on for myself. You have taught me so much. Thankful to have a friend like you. ( I guess a chains of your wonderful words of encouragement will be kept with me for my own view)

The Angel of Care and Warmth - Nell

Nell was always my inspirational model in life. She is a person by far I have ever met never stop showing her love. She is not just inspirational. She is really an angel. I remembered one thing she said.

Touch one soul at a time. Eventually we will touch the world

Before getting to know her, she was like a a high goddess to me. Until one day on twitter a friend of mine. Took a pic and tag me along. I was damn 38 (meaning crazy in malaysian terms) She is a multitalented performance artist who is accomplished in a variety of media. An actor, drama teacher, emcee, voice-over talent, choreographer, scriptwriter, producer & director, she has been described by the Press as a creative genius & an artistic chameleon with a portfolio that is both extensive & impressive. How would I never get a starstuck when I am now actually sitting down talking music and as a friend who really cares and wanted an answer whenever she ask "How are you?" I still can't get use to whenever she start thanking me for helping her. But I am the one should be thanking her. She gave me an opening which I couldn't say no. I was offered to help her on her upcoming musical. Theatrical music is where I love to be. Thanking this opportunity she have given me. This production is personal and I promise It will be the most magical event of the year of 2012 in the Malaysian calender of Arts. Again, Nell, never fail to bring me up by reasoning with phrases she comes up randomly. She presented me a book when we first met. Its called "You Can Heal Your Life"

The next best book ever presented to me after Rich Dad Poor Dad by James. With her little note inside.

The power is within you!

May you follow your inner light, love & wisdom!

Thank you to be apart of my life Nell. You really are an angel~ ( Did I mention her complexion are perfect?)

The Angel of Company - Garend

This is a weird thing to mention here. We know each other from the weirdest way. Yet, I dunno what should I write cuz I know he will be reading this. He is a person who I love to just go out with him for coffee,  doing our own things even not talking to each other. This sounded so wrong right?

But I will always remember that night when you took the initiative to be by my side. Listening to me winding about that Mr X and Mr L. Having can drinks in the middle of the night, by the road side. Feeding to mosquitoes. A person who never judge and being there to bring out the best of each other. We are from very different background and religions. But we never got into that debate. But we always compliments each other to that beauty part in life. There is more to come for us. I still haven't hear you swear. You nearly did but never. I am anticipating on that. He is a person I can count on in life.

The Angel of Silence - Ryan Lew

He certainly is an angel. We knew each other for years. And yet the conversation aren't much. He is my sweetie I can count on. I enjoyed so much when I see him. He has this aura that radiates when you are around him. That positivity in him. That pure soul that will never judge. He is seriously a star that shine. I am still waiting for him to. His potential to be quiet and being there for you. You feel him. He is really one beautiful soul..I would confide anything to him. A  keeper of words. Yet a beauty in his own. And we love dogs!!! Maybe one day our sons should meet. Which by mention is sick. I hope Derek get well soon. 

The Angel of Compassion - Julie Pang.

She is a person I will never get tired with even with her randomness and powerful protections. My mother. She risk her life to bring me into this world. She will be the only person in life I will never able to payback what she has given me. She is my God and will always be. She see me fall, she guide me up. And her protection is beyond what I can say in words. Oh my god, can't believe I am tearing up thinking of her. Mommy, I love you very very much. I want you well always. 

The Angel of Wisdom - Eddie Hah

My good old dad. You taught me so much in life I don't know where to start. Needless to say in education, religion, being a good man. You shown me so much in life that I am thankful for being here now. And Dad, I love you as much alright. Don't keep stressing I love mom more. 

The Angel of Hymms - Kelly Brianne Clarkson

This angel walked my through my life for the past 11 years. There are many events happening in life now but you never fail sharing out every emotion through your song. You are a great friend to me for the past years. I will not say more here in case this would cause any trouble from "Emma". I love you Kel. Be strong. You are a greater voice that reach millions in this world. Thanking for everything that happen on idols.

The Angel of Kindred - James

Even I am not ready to be a friend now, but I am thankful you were part of my life. To where I am now, I am thankful that you have guided me to be a better person. Even our love ended. But your memories stays. Thankful for everything and my greatest regret was hurting you.

The Angel of Laughter. - Arianne Tan

Another weird combination.In a series of bad events happening in my life last year. Thankful that you were always there. I remembered that when I lost my wallet, she was the one who didn't give up searching for me. To make sure I am well and all. She is a strong angel of mine. She always wanted me happy. I am now my dear. And my best wishes to your upcoming event. Your marriage. I will always be there for you Ms Tan. You never failed to make me smile.

And here I will have to conclude my post if not it will never end. To Cyril, Ken, Jaz, you three kicked me at the point I needed. To Se Young, Thanking for always standing there for me. To Anthony, you know what you meant to me always. To Alexander Wong, I will dedicate one specific one for you. Our story can't be shared with so many others here. To Jeffrey Ee, you will always be a good brother to me. To Rainer and Danny, with love and the warmest care you both shown. I remembered you both pull me out on new years eve last year. To my brothers, and sister in law to be, Thanks you for everything you have done for me. 

Last but least. I dedicate this song to all my angels in life. 

There’s a place out there for us

More than just a prayer or anything you’ve ever dreamed of.

So when you feel like giving up

Cause you don’t fit in down here

Fear is crashing in close your eyes and take my hand.

We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.

It’s written in the stars that shine above

A world where you and I belong

Where faith and love will keep us strong

Exactly who we are is just enough

there’s a place for us there’s a place for us.

there’s a place for us there’s a place for us.

Where the water meets the sky

Where your heart is free and hope comes back to life

When these broken hands are whole again

WE’ll find what we’ve been waiting for

We were made for so much more

We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.

It’s written in the stars that shine above

A world where you and I belong

Where faith and love will keep us strong

Exactly who we are is just enough

there’s a place for us

Now there’s a place for us

So hold on now hold on

There’s a place for us

We can be the kings and queens of anything if we believe.

It’s written in the stars that shine above

A world where you and I belong

Where faith and love will keep us strong

Exactly who we are is just enough

Exactly who we are is just enough

There’s a place for us

If I save my heart for you

This is something from parts and bits of my life 
There are so much in me I wanna share. My past, My present and my future.
Somehow just that life is always surprisingly kind to me.
This is something I will not find out the answer to it.
I have to leave. I have to let it go.
I have no reason at all to be angry at the Higher Power.
But I believe that He has the reason why He needed me to let it go.
I have to have a little faith. It is just not my time now I tell myself.
But this is a beautiful song. And beautiful things are meant to share.
All I wish for you is good health and a better future. I love you~ 
and you will always be a family to me. 
Just remember family will not leave you alone. Even we are going different ways now.
You gotta just remember to smile.

If I save my heart for you

Will I ever have your love?

I know that some dreams don’t come true

Only fools won’t give their mind

Could I feel this touch so strong without?

If we really don’t belong in love

Will you ever feel it too?

If I save my heart for you.

There are games that I could play

I could act like I don’t care

Seems the time I go away

Well its then you want me there

Still I cannot get you close enough

The shades go down the walls go up

Will you ever let me through?

If I save my heart for you.

I wanna love that knows no boundaries

I wanna love that wears no mask

And when I feel those arms around me

That’s when I won’t have to ask

I won’t have to ask.

Love is such a fragile gift

When it’s someone you feel magic with

Will you ever say you do?

If I save my heart for you,

If I save my heart for you. 

Love Your Memory

This is something really make me feel for now.
For eleven years we were close. For eleven years...

But you choose to throw me into hell.
I know its for my better but I am also human.

I do wish you would know how I feel too.
I still love you my friend. Just that for now, I need to be alone by myself.

I know of all people you would definitely understand.

I don't want to see you or feel you.
I don't want to look into your eyes.
I don't want to touch you or miss you.
I just want to love your memory tonight.

I can't handle all this pain
All we ever do is fight anyway
Why we even tried I haven't a clue
With hearts involved there's way too much to loose

I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

You were something else to look at
Your intentions they weren't' all bad
You tried to make me something I wasn't
Lord knows there aint no future in all that


I don't want to see you or feel you
I don't want to look into your eyes
I don't want to touch you or miss you
I just want to love your memory tonight

Without you

This is something I have kept for a long time. I wanted to share this as a token of appreciation to that special friend from East Asia. Written down for me years back. And you were that angel who never fail to keep bringing the best out of me. Even so many years has past. But you were always there for me. Thanks my dear~ Thank you. And dedicate this on thanksgiving to you. 


With love


Ricky H Carter

Bucket full of tears
Babe you know I'm here
I'm here waiting


Close your precious eyes
And just realize
I'm still fighting


For you to be with me
And sit under this tree
And we can watch the sunrise (we can watch the sunrise)


Wake up, feel the air that I'm breathin'
I can't explain this feeling that I'm feelin'
I won't go another day without you


I know it feels like no one's around
But baby you're wrong


Just get rid of the fear
Promise that I'm here
I'll never be gone


So baby come with me
We can fly away and we can watch the stars shine


And baby you can be my love


Wake up, feel the air that I'm breathin'
I can't explain this feeling that I'm feelin'
I won't go another day without you (without you)
Hold on, I promise it gets brighter
When it rains I'll hold you even tighter
I won't go another day without you (without you)


And this is me tonight
There's no more games and no more lies
And I know its right
'Cause of the way you look into my eyes
And when I hold you tight
The worries disappear
I'm glad your in my life


Wake up, feel the air that I'm breathin'
I can't explain this feeling that I'm feelin'
I won't go another day without you (without you)
Hold on, I promise it gets brighter
When it rains I'll hold you even tighter
I won't go another day without you (without you)
And I wont go another day without you (without you)

Cursed for a life time.

There are two kinds of tears, tears for those who leave you and tears for those whom you never let go.

Some things are worth getting your heart broken for.

You can spend the rest of your life with me. But I can't spend the rest of mine with you.

We're falling through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world

Everything has its time. And everything ends.

Honestly

This is where I am being pushed to the cliff.
You all wanted the best for me. But is it the best for me?  
I bear all the pain. I complaint no more. 
I resisted addiction. I say no word. 
But why this. Did you considered my feelings ever?


Knowing the fact of a good intention.
But why took a detour to make me feel this way?
Considerably I am not alone enough?
Could you ever feel what I am going through?


NO you will never know how I feel unless you are in the bed.
I am still human and yet very alive.
And in the end, I am tired with all these lies.
I hate the fact its all for a greater good.


You will never know my cries
You will never feel what I felt.
You don't know how the pain is.
You all judge me without a trial.
You have taken that soul's last breathe.


Could you love somebody like that?
Could you attract someone like that?
Could you go where people can't see someone like me
Could you do that?
All I see are stepford-like lives
Needles and knives
Beautiful lies
Bringing out the green in your eyes
A perfect disguise for envy and pride

Would you face me
Make me listen to the truth,
Even if it breaks me
You can judge me, love me
If you're hating me do it honestly

But you choose to let me break alone behind lies.

Remember I am not a humble beast, if you crosses me and push me to the end.

A piece of advice, You hope for a bulls  eye. 

If not, Even it will take my life. I will take you down with me.