Ric's Memoirs

Just A Dream

2012-02-15T10:21:00.001+08:00

I slept last night,
It's been awhile,
Since I've turned off the light,
Woke to my sheets in a pile.

I dreamed that night,
Of mass ordeal of destructions,
Of vultures in flight,
A world of no lies.

My imagination took me,
Places I'll never go,
I experienced a hell,
The world will never know.

I wandered into a field of thorns,
Fire in my eyes; then you,
Love is a rose, you were a thorn,
I need you to know, it's my fault too.

With your hands in your pockets,
Your eyes pulled closed,
I felt a small rain droplet,
While others soaked my clothes.

I finally forgive you,
For all that you have done,
The things you'll continue,
For I still have not won.

Slowly you came over to me,
And took me into your arms,
Whispered, "Why can't you see?"
"I never meant you any harm."

I awoke with a start,
To my sheets in a pile,
To the pounding of my heart,
For the first time in a while,
I thought of you with a tear.
knowing all was just a dream.
I miss you my brother.
But hating the fact you left me in pain alone in this world with your responsibilities.

To Isaiah~ I love you and miss you. But I still can't forgive you leaving me alone behind.

The Lily and I

2012-02-14T17:32:00.002+08:00

It's the way you speak to me,
And the way you smile at me,
It's the way you handle me with care,
Like you're an elegant divine Lily
that peers to be cared for.

And so you always get put in water,
So that you can breathe without hesitation,
Without trouble,
Everyday you get this special treatment,
It's something precious and valuable
I cannot live without,
It can't be replaced by any sort
of acid or "Magical water,"
Like a Lily and I,
we both need care and love to live.

I hold you diligently,
devoting my life to keep you safe,
From the hottest summers;
to the coldest winters,
I will eternally love you for that.

Your sensual touch illuminates my heart,
Yet it's innocent,
We'll endure this forever.

Your enchanting gaze that brings passion
into my eyes and lips,
You release so much tension,
It builds inside until you bring me closer and closer,
That tension soon can no longer carry itself,
You let yourself go and I do the same,
We remove the space between our faces.

I love you.

Straberries Heart Shape Bites For The Love Ones

2012-02-14T15:03:00.000+08:00

Cake Bites are all the rage these days. A moist decadent mouthful of joy, these bite size treats are an excellent way to get creative with cake. At least to me it is. Easy, small and elegant.

It’s simple really. Just bake a cake, let it cool, then mix in your frosting of choice. Roll the cake/ frosting mix in to balls, then coat in melted chocolate to give them a nice candy coated shell.

In the spirit of Valentines day, I decided to make a special Strawberry, Heath candy, Chocolate coated, heart shaped cake ball to share with my family. I got the idea to make them into cake-pops from lollipops.

1 Box Strawberry Cake (Bake as directed)

1 16oz. can Butter Cream Frosting

1 1/2 cups crumbled up Heath Bar

1 package white chocolate bark (or chocolate)

After your cake is cooked, and cooled completely, crumble it up into a large bowl and mix in your frosting. You could do this by hand, but it was just as easy (and less messy) mixing it with my Kitchen Aid mixer. Once the frosting is well mixed, add the Heath bits to combine evenly.

Use your hands to roll the cake mixture in to small balls, place on a cookie sheet. With clean hands pat the round balls down into a heart shape (it helps if you dampen your fingers a bit) Chill for several hours, or just pop in the freezer to speed t up.

Once the cake hearts are chilled, dip them in your melted chocolate of choice and place on wax paper to set.

If you’d like to try making your cake balls in to lollipop cakes, you’ll want to make your balls a little smaller (otherwise they’ll be to heavy to set on the stick). Then before you chill the balls, insert the lollipop stick so the cake holds the stick.

Simple isn't it? I know I brought smile to someone today with this. I just wish you can taste this right now~

Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T13:54:00.001+08:00

Today will be my last day having my treatment. And it is Valentine today. Before heading to the hospital I woke up really early to make something warmth and beautiful for the love birds. I somehow find some peace celebrating their love. It was somehow just beautiful. To me at least. When I was on twitter, I see a lot of hate instead of love. But I know how I will do it in my own beautiful way. I came across one of my friends tweet about sharing the love with someone who matters in our life. It was just pure beautiful. It reminded me that it doesn't really matter how the time is spent. It was just love. No time is able to measure. Even there is something I wanted to say to you that I know I will have to hold on it.

Thank you for being here in my life with me. There is no measure of time that will let me find words to tell you. But let's start with forever. Happy Valentine.

The only thing now holding me back was my body. But I know I somehow will come out from this. It will be. Being able just to put that smile on you is just perfect. That was all I wanted. That was all I ask for. I know that I wasn't able to be there but just it wasn't my choice either. Somehow you would just indulge in work and not letting anything come your way. I wish I was able to change that but not this year I suppose.

I am not gonna sit here and write about how am I feeling this valentine. All I know I wanted to do now is to share what I have. I am now busying with making small lovely strawberry heart shape cakes. Even it was intentionally for you but we were hundreds of miles apart. So I would take this and share with all those sharing their love at home. I know they would love it. Now thinking should I share my own recipe with my readers. The last time I shared a recipe was months ago. Lemme see how it goes. if it is a success, I think I would. Here is a sneak peak of what I have been up to in the kitchen the whole morning. While waiting for the baking and have the frosting on it. I guess now is off to the hospital again. Sigh... Happy Valentine to everyone!

Love At The End Of A Beginning

2012-02-13T22:32:00.002+08:00

On Valentine's eve, bring so much memories back. And yet today mark a beginning of a new beginning for my brother - Ernie Hah and Jia Jia (Soon to be sister in law) I kinda melted knowing that my baby brother has this romantic side that non of us saw before. Especially the way my baby brother propose to her. It happen so fast and it was really something that I was truly happy for him.

Quote by Ernie Hah

If someone would ask me what a beautiful life means, I would lean my head on your shoulder, hold you close to me and answer with a smile, “Like this.”

We were celebrating the news with such joy at one moment I forgotten the pain within me. Until my mother exchange that look with me. I avoided it like I didn't see it. Deep down mom knows that this somehow brings such painful memories in me with marriage. But at this moment, I guess no matter what pain I was in, I should just put it aside and rejoice the joy with my baby brother. But when now I am sitting here writing this post, I somehow felt a mothers pain. Knowing that what I really eager for in life that I could now not hold any more. She just wanted me happy. I am actually happy but how am I able to tell her?I had had that love that I always wanted. It just premature and ended with my own mistakes. I do not blame anyone and I guess it was time for me to let go of the past. Even at times like this, everyone knows how helpless and painful for me. But they treated me with love and care. They knew what I wanted. And my baby brother told me that he will never forgive me if I were not to be at his wedding. Again I wanted to hug him and say I wouldn't missed it in the world. I am not trying to be negative here. But that was the point that I always am hating to fight for. No one knew and no one will ever.

Even its valentine's eve tonight, the presents and things I have prepared for months will just stay still beside me as you were not here. I wish things would be different at one moment. But I know again I would be wishing too much. I decided this months ago and till the time is right, you will know what is wrap within. It will just be a memory that lingers for you. Even that point you may ask why and why but you will never know why.It will go to my grave with me.

Flew in this for you. A gift within a gift. It was suppose to be a bond . To mark the end of the beginning.

Lying here now on this bed feeling the vain pumping up in me. The pain wasn't as bad as it was when the medication flows in me. Maybe it was just me accepted that it was just a moment that we were not meant to celebrate valentine. Knowing somehow now, you would be smiling on something that gives you warmth. Maybe I am just ignorant. But it is a bliss that you will never know. I give my all till the last breathe I will hold on. I know that the love is just something we shared and it will never be something others will feel but me and you. Till that moment is gone, we shall know once our heart beats at the same pace. Feeling each other with the minutes passing by me.Till the end of the beginning of another. Only you know what we shared.

Grammys 2012: Adele's '21' wins album of the year

2012-02-13T12:59:00.003+08:00

Soul traditionalist Adele triumphed over pop stars, a veteran rock act and an up-and-coming songwriter/producer to win the most prestigious Grammy prize, album of the year, for her "21." It was her sixth award out of six nominations, a clean sweep. The heavy front-runner, Adele shocked no one in taking the top honor at the 54th Grammy Awards.

Her "21" was championed by critics and embraced by fans, as it was the top-selling album of 2011 and hasn't left the top 10 on the U.S. pop charts since its release last February.

Adele, who was named best new artist at the 2009 ceremony, underwent vocal surgery in November and was forced to cancel her U.S. tour. Tonight's Grammys marked her return to the stage, and her album of the year win signaled that Grammy voters will opt for songcraft, raw emotion and a dazzling voice over pop trends or guitar slingers. She bested the performance-art pop of Lady Gaga, singles machine Rihanna, pop/R&B handyman Bruno Mars and alt-rock survivors Foo Fighters.

The style-over-substance singer was the heavy favorite heading into the awards. Her "21" was the top-selling album of 2011, with a final tally of 5.82 million copies moved during the year. Meanwhile, her hit single "Rolling in the Deep" was the year's bestselling cut with 5.81 million copies. Both numbers are taken from Nielsen SoundScan's year-end data. Critics also flocked to the artist, as the album came in at No. 6 in the Village Voice’s annual Pazz and Jop poll of the nation’s critics.

Adele fits in nicely with a number of prior album of the year winners. Though dramatic indie rock act Arcade Fire took the honors last year for its album "The Suburbs" and country-pop upstart Taylor Swift won in 2010 for her "Fearless," recent winners have included a number of roots-leaning acts. Robert Plant & Alison Krauss took top honors in 2009 for "Raising Sand," Herbie Hancock upset Kanye West in 2008 with his "River: The Joni Letters" and the Dixie Chicks took the prize in 2007 with "Taking the Long Way."

Adele's biggest challenger in the field was likely Mars, who honed his chops producing and writing for other artists and was nominated for his solo debut, "Doo-Wops & Hooligans." Among the songs Mars has had a hand in co-writing or producing are Cee-Lo's "Forget You," B.o.B.'s "Nothin' on You" and Travie McCoy's "Billionaire," among many others (he's a part of hot production team the Smeezingtons). Mars' "Just the Way You Are" won male pop vocal performance at the 2011 Grammys.

Where do broken hearts go, indeed.

The 54th Annual Grammy Awards had already started off in singular fashion, with LL Cool J offering up a prayer for the late, beyond-great Whitney Houston following Bruce Springsteen's show-opening performance.

But the most wrenching, yet paradoxically uplifting, moment of the night belonged to Jennifer Hudson, who overnight was tasked with presiding over the musical tribute to Houston, who died just yesterday afternoon.

Right after the in-memoriam tribute montage ended with Houston's photo, Hudson broke into "I Will Always Love You," the Dolly Parton original that became one of the biggest songs of all time when Houston covered it on The Bodyguard soundtrack—which won Album of the Year in 1994.

Hudson took the applause in stride, fanning herself to ward off the tears that had been threatening to break through since she uttered her first note. But her voice remained strong and the song, which topped the iTunes Top 10 yesterday (for the first time in the online music store's history), provided a fitting emotional release.

It was a fairly short homage, but, then again, there was no such plan in place approximately 27 hours ago.

She brought the house down with an emotional rendering of the song to a darkly lit house.

These are the full mainstream list of winners.

Album of the Year: 21, Adele
Record of the Year: "Rolling in the Deep," Adele
New Artist: Bon Iver
Country Album: Own the Night, Lady Antebellum
Song of the Year: "Rolling in the Deep," Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth, songwriters
R&B Album: F.A.M.E., Chris Brown
Rock Performance: "Walk," Foo Fighters
Rap Performance: "Otis," Jay-Z and Kanye West
Pop Solo Performance: "Someone Like You," Adele
Pop Vocal Album: 21, Adele
Traditional Pop Vocal Album: Duets Ii, Tony Bennett and Various Artists
Pop Duo/Group Performance: "Body and Soul," Tony Bennett and Amy Winehouse
Short Form Music Video: "Rolling in the Deep," Adele
Long Form Music Video: "Foo Fighters: Back and Forth," Foo Fighters
Rap/Sung Collaboration: "All of the Lights," Kanye West, Rihanna, Kid Cudi and Fergie
Rap Song: "All of the Lights," Jeff Bhasker, Malik Jones, Warren Trotter and Kanye West
Rap Album: My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, Kanye West
R&B Performance: "Is This Love," Corinne Bailey Rae
Traditional R&B Performance: "Fool for You," Cee Lo Green and Melanie Fiona
R&B Song: "Fool for You," Cee Lo Green and Jack Splash
Pop Instrumental Album: The Road From Memphis, Booker T. Jones
Country Solo Performance: "Mean," Taylor Swift
Country Duo/Group Performance: "Barton Hollow," The Civil Wars
Country Song: "Mean," Taylor Swift
Folk Album: Barton Hollow, The Civil Wars
Hard Rock/Metal Performance: "White Limo," Foo Fighters
Rock Song: "Walk," Foo Fighters, Songwriters (Foo Fighters)
Rock Album: Wasting Light, Foo Fighters
Alternative Music Album: Bon Iver, Bon Iver
Producer of the Year, Non-Classical: Paul Epworth

Adele and Jennifer Hudson nailed the performance of the night. To pick which is my favourite is so damn hard! I really can't decide. But just on the sad part of the Grammys tonight. It is either I missed something or they just left Etta James out from the tribute. This is just sad. But the night was just mind blowing! And to the amazing friend of mine. Bon Iver! You deserve it! Even I still find your speech is so funny but yes, we love you and at last your hard work paid off. Congratulations to you!

After that show-closer, some of you will be the modern version of speechless -- unable to type. But we hope not for long. What category held the most surprises for you? Which performance will you be talking about tomorrow? And thanks again for helping celebrate the 54th Annual GRAMMY Awards!

Rest In Music - Whitney Houston

2012-02-12T10:57:00.003+08:00

Whitney Houston, who reigned as pop music's queen until her majestic voice and regal image were ravaged by drug use, erratic behavior and a tumultuous marriage to singer Bobby Brown, has died, Fox News confirms. She was 48.

Publicist Kristen Foster said Saturday that the singer had died.

The Beverly Hills Police Department responded to an emergency call at the Beverly Hills Hotel Saturday, Lt. Mark Rosen, of the Bevery Hills Police Department said.

Members of hotel staff and fire department officials attempted to revive a person on the fourth floor, who has since been confirmed to be Houston, Rosen said.

Officials did not see obvious signs of criminal intent, and are currently investigating to determine the cause of death, he said.

At her peak, Houston the golden girl of the music industry. From the middle 1980s to the late 1990s, she was one of the world's best-selling artists. She wowed audiences with effortless, powerful, and peerless vocals that were rooted in the black church but made palatable to the masses with a pop sheen.

Her success carried her beyond music to movies, where she starred in hits like "The Bodyguard" and "Waiting to Exhale."

She had the he perfect voice, and the perfect image: a gorgeous singer who had sex appeal but was never overtly sexual, who maintained perfect poise.

She influenced a generation of younger singers, from Christina Aguilera to Mariah Carey, who when she first came out sounded so much like Houston that many thought it was Houston.

But by the end of her career, Houston became a stunning cautionary tale of the toll of drug use. Her album sales plummeted and the hits stopped coming; her once serene image was shattered by a wild demeanor and bizarre public appearances. She confessed to abusing cocaine, marijuana and pills, and her once pristine voice became raspy and hoarse, unable to hit the high notes as she had during her prime.

"The biggest devil is me. I'm either my best friend or my worst enemy," Houston told ABC's Diane Sawyer in an infamous 2002 interview with then-husband Brown by her side.

It was a tragic fall for a superstar who was one of the top-selling artists in pop music history, with more than 55 million records sold in the United States alone.

She seemed to be born into greatness. She was the daughter of gospel singer Cissy Houston, the cousin of 1960s pop diva Dionne Warwick and the goddaughter of Aretha Franklin.

Houston first started singing in the church as a child. In her teens, she sang backup for Chaka Khan, Jermaine Jackson and others, in addition to modeling. It was around that time when music mogul Clive Davis first heard Houston perform.

"The time that I first saw her singing in her mother's act in a club ... it was such a stunning impact," Davis told "Good Morning America."

"To hear this young girl breathe such fire into this song. I mean, it really sent the proverbial tingles up my spine," he added.

Before long, the rest of the country would feel it, too. Houston made her album debut in 1985 with "Whitney Houston," which sold millions and spawned hit after hit. "Saving All My Love for You" brought her her first Grammy, for best female pop vocal. "How Will I Know," "You Give Good Love" and "The Greatest Love of All" also became hit singles.

Another multiplatinum album, "Whitney," came out in 1987 and included hits like "Where Do Broken Hearts Go" and "I Wanna Dance With Somebody."

The New York Times wrote that Houston "possesses one of her generation's most powerful gospel-trained voices, but she eschews many of the churchier mannerisms of her forerunners. She uses ornamental gospel phrasing only sparingly, and instead of projecting an earthy, tearful vulnerability, communicates cool self-assurance and strength, building pop ballads to majestic, sustained peaks of intensity."

Her decision not to follow the more soulful inflections of singers like Franklin drew criticism by some who saw her as playing down her black roots to go pop and reach white audiences. The criticism would become a constant refrain through much of her career. She was even booed during the "Soul Train Awards" in 1989.

"Sometimes it gets down to that, you know?" she told Katie Couric in 1996. "You're not black enough for them. I don't know. You're not R&B enough. You're very pop. The white audience has taken you away from them."

Some saw her 1992 marriage to former New Edition member and soul crooner Bobby Brown as an attempt to refute those critics. It seemed to be an odd union; she was seen as pop's pure princess while he had a bad-boy image, and already had children of his own. (The couple had a daughter, Bobbi Kristina, in 1993.) Over the years, he would be arrested several times, on charges ranging from DUI to failure to pay child support.

But Houston said their true personalities were not as far apart as people may have believed.

"When you love, you love. I mean, do you stop loving somebody because you have different images? You know, Bobby and I basically come from the same place," she told Rolling Stone in 1993. "You see somebody, and you deal with their image, that's their image. It's part of them, it's not the whole picture. I am not always in a sequined gown. I am nobody's angel. I can get down and dirty. I can get raunchy."

It would take several years, however, for the public to see that side of Houston. Her moving 1991 rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner" at the Super Bowl, amid the first Gulf War, set a new standard and once again reaffirmed her as America's sweetheart.

In 1992, she became a star in the acting world with "The Bodyguard." Despite mixed reviews, the story of a singer (Houston) guarded by a former Secret Service agent (Kevin Costner) was an international success.

It also gave her perhaps her most memorable hit: a searing, stunning rendition of Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You," which sat atop the charts for weeks. It was Grammy's record of the year and best female pop vocal, and the "Bodyguard" soundtrack was named album of the year.

She returned to the big screen in 1995-96 with "Waiting to Exhale" and "The Preacher's Wife." Both spawned soundtrack albums, and another hit studio album, "My Love Is Your Love," in 1998, brought her a Grammy for best female R&B vocal for the cut "It's Not Right But It's Okay."

But during these career and personal highs, Houston was using drugs. In an interview with Oprah Winfrey in 2010, she said by the time "The Preacher's Wife" was released, "(doing drugs) was an everyday thing. ... I would do my work, but after I did my work, for a whole year or two, it was every day. ... I wasn't happy by that point in time. I was losing myself."

In the interview, Houston blamed her rocky marriage to Brown, which included a charge of domestic abuse against Brown in 1993. They divorced in 2007.

Houston would go to rehab twice before she would declare herself drug-free to Winfrey in 2010. But in the interim, there were missed concert dates, a stop at an airport due to drugs, and public meltdowns.

She was so startlingly thin during a 2001 Michael Jackson tribute concert that rumors spread she had died the next day. Her crude behavior and jittery appearance on Brown's reality show,

"Being Bobby Brown," was an example of her sad decline. Her Sawyer interview, where she declared "crack is whack," was often parodied. She dropped out of the spotlight for a few years.

Houston staged what seemed to be a successful comeback with the 2009 album "I Look To You." The album debuted on the top of the charts, and would eventually go platinum.

Things soon fell apart. A concert to promote the album on "Good Morning America" went awry as Houston's voice sounded ragged and off-key. She blamed an interview with Winfrey for straining her voice.

A world tour launched overseas, however, only confirmed suspicions that Houston had lost her treasured gift, as she failed to hit notes and left many fans unimpressed; some walked out.

Canceled concert dates raised speculation that she may have been abusing drugs, but she denied those claims and said she was in great shape, blaming illness for cancellations.

Dark Realms

2012-02-12T04:28:00.000+08:00

For a dark past that lingers, bringing in a dark present that gives way to a dark future. The sense of looking at the light which will never shines. Not even a ray is seen. Listening to the rain and every tears is beautiful. Surrender to the shadows is all I can do. Every drops of tears is like the cold rain that drips on to my skin. Asking myself is this living at all? I wonder around the surface of the labyrinth. But I knew I don't have to stay so long. But I'm sure I can't make it go away. I give in to myself. Knowing that this breathe was to hold till the heart stops. Knowing I will be right here. Like the whisper of the winds, blowing all the memories in and I remember you.

It was like a dream, so peaceful, so calm. I recall the moment I was fighting. But what am I fighting for? Its has been so long. I felt the rage within. The anger of the body that knows this still will go on. I wish to trade for your place. Every time you talk and laughter bring. But you were ever lonely. You hold it all back and not showing all as you wanted to be strong for me. I ran and ran, deeper into the labyrinth. Wish I knew a way to heal you. Which I know I will never. You wanted to be heal, and yet I wanted to end. Am I asking too much I asked. Am I not grateful? or I am just pure ignorant and being suffocating myself with the emotions that swirl around me.

The lighter souls around trying to bring me out from the trap. But I just kept running within. Letting myself go for the first time after a long time. Letting the pain flowing through my vain. The more that I ran, I knew I wanted to keep on running. No one will ever know it wasn't my choice to be the way I am. But it wasn't an excuse to be use. I came to a cross that I knew which ever I go there wasn't and never will be a right answer. No one will ever see me and the choice doesn't matter. What is certain is the deeper I go, the easier I will be lost in this labyrinth. I wanna turn back. But I don't recognize the path I came. The pain is just flowing numbnessly within me. It isn't to be right but it felt just right at this point. Knowing when I wake up I will be going this way again. Only you knew how I wanted it to end. But it will never end.

The cutting edges of the walls are like razors, slicing my heart knowingly the pain within you is beyond words to describe. It was just time to wonder. It will bring all this glorious pain to end. Your words brings me peace. In your womb I came, but yet I would go in your heart. And you will wonder in your own labyrinth. Filled with the same tears and love that feeds me. You knew the beauty of able to cry was i gift. The blood within will never ever make any difference even if I stayed. You held me now every night wanting me to come back. But my will isn't there. I lingers deeper and deeper. The only light I wanted was at the end. Which will never come. If I could trade my place with yours. If I could I would give you the chance to breathe more than I do. It is all I could do. Nothing else that will lead me out. At least for now I know it will just wonders on depper into the dark realms that is just familiar.

Hometown Glory

2012-02-11T16:13:00.002+08:00

I've been walking in the same way as I did
And missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I could call?
No, and thank you, please madam, I ain't lost, just wandering"

Round my hometown, memories are fresh
Round my hometown, ooh, the people I've met
Are the wonders of my world, are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world, are the wonders and now

I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love it to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides

Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain't gonna take it
Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united

Round my hometown, memories are fresh
Round my hometown, ooh, the people I've met
Are the wonders of my world, are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world, are the wonders and now

Listening to this song kinda gimme the chills. And the 39 seconds intro was just pure emotions.Somehow at points to points in life. We feel like be have been wondering around and around. Yes I am still confuse at times and just do not know what is it that I have done wrong to suffer this mortal pain. I had heart to heart talk to Mr D last night till late. And I poured out everything and it was so real. The rage in me, the self disappointment and guilt. So much to feel and yet I only have one body. And in the end, it was all over what my angel Arakin San told me, I just don't love myself that much. No, I don't love myself at all. And I somehow look for comfort to give away what I don't have at all. I told Mr D, how can I do it? I am not even living. I am just trying to cover the fact that the brokenness in me was not just a crack. It has collapsed. With everything that I held on to the past 6 years 11 months 2 weeks and 3 days now. I still can't accept the fact I am now different from others. It feels like im dead but the heart just won't stop beating. I am in a way just wondering around my world. When will I see that light? Or should just lingering into this deep dark waters? Time will tell said Mr D. "I feel its near. And we will walk through this together." Maybe it was only you would understand that hopelessness and helplessness within. I know yours is way worst than mine but you were just you. I found all the answers that was missing in your puzzle. But just this song speaks all. On Andrew's latest post about Kelly and Adele inspiring others through music. I wonder where is that person in me? I never hate music as much as I did not. It was just pure rage and pain.

Helpless

2012-02-11T00:59:00.001+08:00

When part of you having that fact of being helpless and there is like no choice at all. Sometimes it does get to me why am I still doing this after years and years? When will I actually accept the fact I am not gonna recover at all? I guess I have to accept that fact the body and the mind are two entity that do not connect. Do I still feel hurt? No. Because somehow this is my fight alone. As always it has been. I somehow do tell myself that it is okay Ricky. Things gonna be better. Things gonna be fine. But would it really be?

I do not know honestly. Somehow at this point many would say it is time to reach out and let go of the burden for help. But I just felt all the guilt building inside. Why am I feeling so? I do not know. Somehow whenever things seems right it will just go wrong. I know somehow the mind will have to be stronger to fight this fight. I know it will come down just to me myself and I. But somehow it seems so hopeless and helpless.

With the musical at the moment I am dealing. It is all my passion that keeps me going. I am empowering every single bit of me to be at my very best. But I still let down the person I look up to. I guess I kinda hurt her in a way. When I read her reply. I do not know why I just shattered into pieces. I felt I let her down so much and I do not know what to do but to tell her the truth that how I am coping with myself. Every word took every tear in me. I do not know how. I felt she was so stressed and down. I was just unable to lift her up. Telling her what I was hiding for weeks just like tore me apart with chains. I just am as helpless to feel her being helpless.

And as of now, I just do not know what to do. Still looking on my phone waiting for her reply. Ricky!!! Chins up!!! Don't stop!!! KEEP WRITING!!! YOU CAN YOU CAN YOU CAN!!!!

The show must go on. Letting it all out here and I have to keep walking on. This is not a matter of you are down with some sickness. Believe in yourself Ricky!! Yes it is painful. But that is what been keeping me knowing everyday I am still alive. I am kinda trying too hard to lie to myself I am ok right? But yeah, I know now I am at this point. But I am going to be different the next minute. Things keep going on. And I will duel a little more and I have to move on. There are better things than being down and painful here that no one would feel and understand. I know I will be ok. I know I will be fine. Things gonna be well. Things gonna be fine. I know it will. I know it will.

The only thing knowing I am still alive is just me feeling the pain. Everything will be ok. I know it will.

Crying Is Beautiful

2012-02-10T17:35:00.000+08:00

Minutes turn to hours, turn to days.
When heartache comes around, to take your place.
Why does it have to stay so long?
Forever seems to be the way for now,
But if I could bring you back to me somehow,
You make it go away, I'm sure.

'Til then I'll listen to the rain,
Falling down outside.
I'll listen to the rain,
Feeling you, inside.

Crying is beautiful, and I remember you.
I surrender to my broken heart,
It's all that I can do.
Crying is beautiful,
Especially when it rains.
It's so hard to make it through,
When I remember you.

Oh, Winter turns to Summertime to fall.
Do you ever really think of me,
Are you missing me at all?
Until you let me know,
I'll be right here.

I'll listen to the rain,
Falling down outside.
I'll listen to the rain,
Feeling you, inside.

Crying is beautiful, and I remember you.
I surrender to my broken heart,
It's all that I can do.
Crying is beautiful,
Especially when it rains.
It's so hard to make it through,
When I remember you.

Oh I can hear you call my name,
I hear it through the pouring rain.
Like echoes of a distant dream,
Holding onto me.

Crying is beautiful, and I remember you.
I surrender to my broken heart,
It's all that I can do.
Crying is beautiful,
Especially when it rains.
It's so hard to make it through,
When I remember,
When I remember,
When I remember you.

Listening to this song again and again. Repetitively brings me back to memory lane. It is really beautiful. I remember all the single detail of every single thing we do. The time we just lie on the beautiful hillside, holding each other knowing that no matter what we have each other. Lying to a strange country exploring the beauty together. You singing beside me playing the piano. Even driving and holding each other to remember the love we shared. Now I am not being vain and regret every single thing that I lost. That is not the point. Yes I miss it everyday, every minute in life. It was beautiful. The tears and love we shared. You may even doubt about any part was true but I guess I am through with the explain. All I would say that with all that I been through with you made me realize how can I wanna be better. I know it was a lost love that will never be returned but it was a turning point in life for me. Crying is beautiful. This song speaks all my heart~

Love That Shine Inside

2012-02-10T16:55:00.001+08:00

You have been sad

you been hiding so low

don't be scare, yes you keep holding on.

I have been bad, locked myself away

can't bear to face another day

broken and ashamed

but if you search within

yourself you can.

Learn to love you
and you learn to heal the pain
let strength hold you
let it shelter you from rain
those shadows cast away your pride
find the light that shines inside
of you

So alone its so cold where you are
close your eyes
let the peace warm your heart
free your spirit
chase away your fears
and wipe away the lonely tears
feel your courage near
let it reach into your soul
and then

Learn to love you
and you learn to heal the pain
let strength hold you
let it shelter you from rain
those shadows cast away your pride
find the light that shines inside
of you

I know you are hurting

Your world are caving in

But it's like you can't make it

I know your trouble your world's diminishing

But just listen to the voice within and

Learn to love you
and you learn to heal the pain
let strength hold you
let it shelter you from rain
those shadows cast away your pride

Learn to love you
and you learn to heal the pain
let strength hold you
let it shelter you from rain
those shadows cast away your pride
find the light that shines inside
of you

Just a new piece to share. Somehow out of no where it hit me. Sounded like Mr Shinigami's Drown at first but it is a beautiful bright song. I love the beauty that sometimes when we feel this strong emotions and turn it into beautiful tune.

Blank Empty Moments.

2012-02-10T04:00:00.004+08:00

I realize when dark moments comes into my life, I just got no more place for me to write. I somehow felt that at this moment, I felt so empty, hopeless,and things are just relatively just shattered into pieces.I realise now at points now in life, I couldn't find words to write any more. Because there is no other way to write any more. Knowingly this, I would just close my eyes and sleep. Many may wonder why I posted an empty post. To those who happen able to read , I really don't know how to express more. The heart is too heavy to carry on.I sometimes just wish life giving me a second chance. But when I have that, my time is not with me.I know one thing that I still felt guilty for all the pain I have cause James. I will never forgive myself to have hurt someone who love me that way. And I guess it is just Karma. My love will never be answered. No one to blame. Just knowing the only thing is my body doesn't and will never gimme this chance to make it right. Sleeping through the pain day by day. This is just a broken soul will have to pay his dues. My tears flows where no one will ever see. Taking all up as a man.

Make You Feel My Love

2012-02-10T01:43:00.000+08:00

Talking about this song, many have the idea of Adele doing this song. She has put a milestone to it no doubt. "Make You Feel My Love" (also "To Make You Feel My Love") is a song written and recorded by Bob Dylan. It appeared on his 1997 album Time Out of Mind. Yet many has done the cover. Honestly Adele owned this song. Many fail but yet there are still those who made this song kinda personal. Thinking back I did it with Kel for someone I love. This song has kinda been my barbs. Listening to her voice in that emotions again, it sort of help me though the blank moment. I started to write again in Rickism. But that is not the point. I was sinking into my own realm with her voice, my sanctuary. I do not know how many would able to feel this when listening to her. I know this is very subjective. I just found that safe spot for me to be in. Like a cocoon.warm and safe. The tune was relatively short range. No big notes. No big belts. Just an honest voice of a girl telling the story. I just somehow fell back to the peaceful scene I had years ago. Everything were just right again. one of the most beautiful phrases in that song that hit me so hard in my heart. Just something personal. I coloured those that I feel the song most at this very moment.

When the rain

Is blowing in your face

And the whole world

Is on your case

I could offer you

A warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows

And the stars appear

And there is no - one there

To dry your tears

I could hold you

For a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you

Haven't made

Your mind up yet

But I would never

Do you wrong

I've known it

From the moment

That we met

No doubt in my mind

Where you belong

I'd go hungry

I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling

Down the avenue

Know there's nothing

That I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

The storms are raging

On the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret

The winds of change

Are blowing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing

Like me yet

I could make you happy

Make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends

Of the Earth for you

To make you feel my love, To make you feel my love

String Of Crazy Events.

2012-02-09T20:53:00.001+08:00

I kinda am like amazed with the fact of thinking something and it just somehow came true. I somehow been having this idea of my baby would be trashed. Was even joking about it with a friend earlier on and soon later, my wish kinda come true. Sad? No. Confused? Yes.

Somehow there are some little things in life that I am kinda like dealing with now. Things that is outta my control. To share that at the moment, I am not very sure about it. I kinda need some time to digest what is going on at this very moment. But what about this post is we sometimes are living in that world of uncertainties. Anyway, to all my dear readers who may read this post in a different kinda emotions and thinking I am sad or whatever. I relatively feeling kinda neutral to be honest. To be surprise of what happen to me? No, because somehow I am kinda use to my life which always gimme this kinda "interesting" events.

First thing in the morning, I was kinda use to the fact that things are unpredictable yet everything happen for a reason. I woke up at a very weird hour. Lets not get to the time shall we? And first, I thought I was drooling the whole night. Which was weird as I haven't drool in bed before. But to my amazement, all I saw was something I don't wish to see. At a very weird kinda emotions, I just reach out for my Pringles which was suppose to be by my bed, it was just filled with pasta. AGAIN! PASTA!!!! Not to react to it, I just grab a ciggy. It was funny how would I react to it. I couldn't believe how was my reaction naturally. For 28 years in my life. I was never like this before. When I open my eyes in the morning, all I felt was a sense of frustration and just pull my blanket over my head and wanted to continue sleeping.

I jump out of surprise after like a few second reflecting what my action was! And that is how I woke up this morning. Crazy! And I am suppose to be on my way back to KL today. And I shall not elaborate what happen. Picture speaks all. But I am all well. So nothing to worry. Just kinda zoomed out while driving. Don't ask me why, I am still figuring out that part. But its all good.

This is how it looks like. I guess it time for some plastic surgery for her.

Anyway I guess enough of all this crazy negative energy~ Here is a sneak peak on what I am gonna post. Sex & Money! Another discussion post! I can't wait myself!

This is kinda a more crazy to talk about. Lets see! I got like a million weird ideas now.

Poem For You

2012-02-09T15:15:00.001+08:00

This poem is for the one I love
This poem is only for you
To tell you how much I love you
And cannot think of life without you
I want the time to stop
I want the oceans to crawl
To make the moments special
The moments I have with you
When we hold hands,
when we walk together
When we talk of things that always matter
The peace in your voice,
the love in your eyes
Make those moments special,
and is my only Treasure
You are not my way to happiness
You are happiness for me
And I know you respect my feelings
That makes me want nothing but you
Sit beside me and be my life
Help me to sail through this journey of life
Be yourself and be my world
For I want nothing but you the way you are

After indulging with Kell's tune, this is just a random feeling came across me. Well, random is part of me. its just something I dear in my heart~

Randomness Positivity

2012-02-09T12:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it just needed some courage and take that step in life. Honestly, thanks to my angel of love and faith. He really showed me about how things can be much easier and life is beautiful as it is. I guess the things that my angel was facing at the moment, yet he took the courage and come clean to me about something in life. But I guess for him to do so, he took the first step and tell me made him somehow realize that what he was doing and why that decision was taken. I know that it is not easy for you and yet I understand how that feeling is. Just want you to know I am very proud with you and what you have done! I would cherish that for life. Just wanted you to know that no matter what, that faith I have in you. You know how I always see that in you.

Anyway, somehow the courage for me to take that step just to share with him about how things was now and the positive energy been rolling from there. I was just purely filled with the acceptance from him of myself. To my surprise, I was like big time loser or something. I even told that "Someone" I love him and there is no shame of doing that. Somehow when you are clear of what you want in life, you tend to be proud of what you have in life. I know and I am proud to be in love with you. But what makes me happier was I was so clear what I wanted. I just wanted you staying healthy and happy. That is all. Just wanted the best and you being loved. Somehow the burden you are carrying is not a simple load everyone carries. I just don't even wanted you to do anything or react to it. Cause I am just so clear of what I wanted in life.

Mr Shinigami, I love you to the max! You are the only person that will always understand and not judging me for anything. I am crawling over to camp! Lemme plan! I needed a hide out to just ramble what we haven't done for a long time!

On the other hand, the drama in life keeps building. As I know now that I have someone who is very capable to handle it for me! I love you gurl! I know I can't live without you. You are like the most awesomeness planner I can ever find. You just make everything right for me. Cornflakes, was there and showing me why are the differences I had in emotions when I was here and there. But true enough. I should take no nonsense from anyone! I should not care that much and care about myself before anything goes on. Why does this sound so familiar? I am wondering is Mr Shinigami and Cornflakes made a pack to repeat the same sentence. Anyway, I know you guys love me and care for my welfare than anything else first.

I guess I am back to that bitchy me with a little compassion in life that I always see. For now, all I am going to do is just ignore all the negativity around me and focus on work. I need to finish up all the songs for oz. And like WOW! I see my director getting stressed over a lot of things. I can understand all that she is going through. I really do admire her on her vision. I somehow am being inspire and I give full respect that she was able to do something like that. I am not going to let you down. Oz, here we come! Opening night is in 2 month plus! Let the show begins!

This was something Mr Shinigami said that hit me and make me realize what I have to make that change. I love you so much! Thank you for making things right! You always do in your own weird way!

Angels Are Always Watching Over Me.

2012-02-08T17:13:00.000+08:00

In the beauty of life itself, the power of balance are what that is to make it and break it. Honestly, I felt blessed with what I have in life. At the low point in life yet again, all it takes is to let those that care for you to come in. Yes at times like this, I never expect that giving a little attention to those that needed who you care and love makes it so big difference. And for the first time during the conversation I am kinda proud of myself that I admitted myself I fell in love with someone I cared for. I was thinking of a nick name for you as I think it is not right to expose the identity. Thinking of it, at this point, you shall be Mr Shinigami! hahaha...

After a long talk at the place I am hiding at this moment, that 55minutes call was just it takes to make things right. I finally understood what you were talking about to love oneself for us to enable others to know what we could do for those we love. And I agree with you that you are right. I neglect myself. And the source of aura to love was weak. But when I face my fears and what I am lacking the past few days, at least I know I took the first step to admit to Mr Shinigami that I fell in love with someone! And seriously I am really blessed with having people that don't judge me at all. Staying true and communicating whatever they have in mind. And after so long, while talking to Mr Shinigami, I kinda tear up while talking about a certain topic. But I think he didn't notice. (Hopefully) but yeah, honestly some random topics and heart to heart talk about life. I really gotta plan my trip to visit Mr Shinigami. I nearly wanted to type he place and that is not good. Hahaha. . . Kinda needed a place to be with a friend who cares and just see you for who you are. Taking everything off the mind. Thanks so much.

And in the afternoon, Cornflakes was the saviour. And I think I should stop rambling about this or else I would be as random as someone else. And now listening to Kelly's cover of Adele's Make You Feel My Love, it just somehow got deep down. I wonder all of this is karma? I don't know and I shall just embracing this. All I know now even its kinda too late, but falling in love with you is not a need to and it is also not the excuse I take because you are in need or so. It is just something the heart couldn't deny. Mr Shinigami, thank you for making me realize and supporting me this way.

In ways now, I see the beauty of life with the love I could share and give. All those energy doesn't matter any more. The colours of the world just filled back whenever I think what I could just make you smile. I know now my way in life. I start to appreciate myself more. At least today is also the first time I stood up for myself and fight what is rightfully mine. Ricky, you are doing good! Keep it up!

Anyway, 2012 is kind to me. I know what I should do and deserve to be. Al we have to do sometimes, is take a step back and look from the outside. I know what I wanna do for the next few months. I will stay true to myself. Loving the one I love. No caring whatever you gonna do to push me away. I am not asking anything in return. Just want you well and smile. That is what I pray for every day and every night.

You walk your own life. You decide who to give your love. You decide every step in life.

Look At Me

2012-02-07T22:19:00.001+08:00

I would bet my life like I bet my heart
That you were the one baby
I've never been so sure of anything before
You're driving my heart crazy
I can't hold out
I can't hold back now
Like I've done before

How do you do that, babe, make me feel like Im
The only man alive for you
I dont know what it is, that makes me fall like this
First time in your arms I knew
The way you held me
I knew that this could be
What I've been waiting to find

Darling look at me
I've fallen like a fool for you
Darling can't you see
I'd do anything you want me to
I tell myself
Im gettin' in too deep
Then I fall a little farther
Every time you look at me

Written on 2011-11-25 04:09 New York City

Reading back to some of my drafts. I found this very interesting. Wrote this post on the month of november. Sometimes, when time flies by we just see and remember the moment we had there. It is as beautiful as it was. Till now, even though it was just a mere passaby, but I know that this is something we shared for the past 11 years. I love the way you are and that annoying you. But gladly you were always there. I am glad we didn't burn. Somehow you still meant a fair deal in my life.

I guess this song only Cornflakes had listen to it. I guess it should stay that way. Let the beautiful memories kept beautiful.

Just thinking to share this post with everyone. This is one part of my life that really was a turning point for me.

The One And Only

2012-02-07T19:41:00.002+08:00

You've been on my mind

I grow fonder every day,

Lose myself in time

Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You'll never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

Being able to love is a blessing. Being able to be loved is s form of want. To choose to love or to be loved is just a matter of what we decide. Suddenly a bright light shines on me. I felt I am being loved so much. Walked the journey is a must to a better future. This song says what is in my heart dearly. I know this beginning is just a step of a long journey. Listening to this song again and again bring so much life to me. Music and love co-exist in a beautiful way to me. I found the peace I long for. It is just a beautiful start and I know what I wanted is just to grow old with you. Never ever give up on love. I never did. And I am where I wanted to be at this moment.

Music Is My Sanctuary

2012-02-07T18:37:00.000+08:00

Your love is so strong and bright
it leaves me with a smile when I fall asleep at night,
when I am dreaming hours seem as minutes
because I cherish every moment with you in it,

Waking up to your voice “good morning”
sends my heart and soul high a soaring,
love is said to last only till death
but our love will prove stronger than our final breath,
what I am saying is I love you for heavens sake
and when we die our love begins again at heavens gate.

Starting this post with a stanza and I guess I will have to have a beautiful memory in this part of my life. Sometimes life is just beautiful as it is. Holding on to myself and telling myself everything is going to be alright. It wasn't there for me to hold in the beginning. I sometimes ask myself do I really wanted this in life? Yes, but I did not forgot what life is. Its rarely we get what we want. But don't get me wrong. It is nothing negative about this. Just have to take a step back and change perspective of it. Love is always beautiful. All I have to say is my courage isn't there to take what I wanted. But I know it is somehow the best for you at the moment. I rather we share what we have now than just get into that realms of confusion and hardship. Looking back the years I have been into and I am glad I choose this for now.

I am listening to Adele's "Chasing Pavements" and it somehow reflects what I am going through. It is not something bad for me. The least I know that what I am heading all this while. I am not gonna elaborate this. Guess some parts of life choices are meant to be private. The heart beats where it has. I guess being what I am is good enough. Maybe many thinks I should be heading to the place where you guys want me to be. Honestly I wanted to. But its just the right thing happen at the wrong time. At times like this, I chosen to find peace in music where I feel safe and home always.

Now moving on to "For Good" by Chris Coffer and Lea Michele just made me complete. It has ended I think. I start to see the sun. And openly I take this step to change.

I Love You till the very end. You are just someone that really change me for good. I will never give up on you~ Just change another way to love you. Thankful to have you to love me back.

Courage To Love

2012-02-07T02:55:00.001+08:00

Finally opening up today. I was with my bestie Byron tonight at a kids playground lying on the slide talking about crap. It wasn't about the conversation but the understanding of both and company. Somehow I guess I lost the courage of being able to love. Before we left home, we talked about the culture and being in love. Somehow he did got a point. In many ways, culture plays a big part in life. I was questioning about is true love still there?

To my own view till this very day, love has no boundaries. Love has no price tag. Love is an experience you choose to share life with. No matter in sickness or poverty. Love is mutual. Just being there knowing what the person you love is going through and trying to understand and being there for him/her. But on the contrary in many ways, many in the culture we are living today, even many may disagree but the facts shown that what love is to these society now a days are what can you provide. No hard work, just to enjoy as it is.

But this is not what this post is to be. We shall talk about it in another post I promise that. But the real fact was how many there still believe in love? Yes, many does. But in a sense of a fairy tale. Not many has the courage to face the truth and follow what their heart tells them. I am one of them. Honestly, I thought of loving you was the most beautiful thing that happen to me. And all the hardship doesn't really matter. I was trying to put behind the mentality of I am not good enough and things like you would never fall in love with a person like me.

I guess in many ways that my insecurities are always the problems with me. But not denying the fact over the years I did acknowledge and trying to change the fact and make it better day by day. But come to this very day the fact of me telling you in the face "I Love You" has never surface. Why? Cause I do not have the courage to. And I am afraid that I might somehow lose you. In many ways that life has been treating, losing you is inevitable. But the fear of not being by your side at times you needed most is even more fearful. I will not deny I will never understand the pain and hardship you are going through in life. The fact is I know you have so much to deal with in life to the extend I am so afraid I will be another level of stress in your life. I am afraid everyday not able to listen to your voice, see your smile, or even reading your tweets. Whenever you go quiet I am having possible nonsense ideas what may have happen.

I know you celebrate life as much as I do. I know you will be fighting till the end. But the fear in me always stops me from deciding which step to take. I guess that the possible frustration I was having in these past few weeks was because I hate the fact I lost faith in myself being able to love you the way I use to. You were strong when I was weak. And we tend to have fir in the places where we were missing. But I still dare not step in to the idea will I ever fit into you life. I fear that in ways, you would think the the best for you is not having anything because of how life treated you. No matter how hard I wanted you to know that you deserve every bit of life but I know I am not qualify to say anything as I don't think I am deserving anything at all.

As the silent love stays on and somehow I do think you know how I felt and somehow I just kinda blocked the idea about what you think or feel. I guess that the fear has already blown the fact the courage to love you had blown into pieces. Yes, I am a coward in love. But somehow I just know if any decision taken will either destroy what we had or just fucked up everything we have. When thinking back to the point the first time we met, all of us are wearing that mask. Till when we drop it and loving each other the way we were. And the ups and down we have gone through. Many may think what we have in between is strong enough but the fact was our insecurities are our biggest enemy. We both will never step out from that zone accepting the fact and spending the affectionate we share. I still remember the time when we first touched and I kissed your neck. Somehow it wasn't love at that point but we shared that moment. I guess not to you but I remember every single detail of it. It was the first time the emotions of feeling safe and being able to trust again.

Loving you is an exceptional experience for me. Out of my surprise to be honest. Many decision I take was the reason for you which I never spoke about. I am not complaining at all but I know the love we shared was more than sexual and desire attractions. To me the least I know. When did I realize I fell in love with you? I don't know. Somehow it was a mutual feeling we shared together.

For a closing this is the very first time writing post that I don't know how. What I could conclude here is just love has its own way to make our heart beats. I know where I beat and who it beats for. As of who am I talking about, guess time will revealed. Love the two person share are just as personal it is in my view. What other feels doesn't really matters to me. What we have is what matters to us. At this point, my view to the journey to take in front is again being blurred. Not because of loving you. But just because my heart wanted me just to be by your side and keep loving you the way I did. And the mind is telling me that I have given enough trouble in your life.

Whenever it comes to the war of my heart and mind, this will just linger on till the time comes to show who are the clear winners of the answer lies. Till then, the decision that I wanted to take now is just a mere word. Sinking myself tonight with Adam Lambert's "Dreamer". Good night everyone~

Just Me And You

2012-02-07T00:49:00.003+08:00

Holding your hand, cuddling by the fire

What else could my heart desire?
The warmth of your breath, our souls are wired
In our eyes the wildest tigers

Don't make me leave, I don't want to go
Whatever they want, I'll just say no
Together, forever, capable of more
We will banish all of our woes.

I know you love me and I love you too,
Nothing can stand in the way of "two".
Please stay with me and cherish our youth,
Together, forever just me and you.

Smiling Back In Love

2012-02-06T15:29:00.001+08:00

Head begins to spin,
heart beats faster than usual,
yet you feel your pulse missing.
This is a sign of falling in love.
Many find love is a funny feeling
that causes butterflies in your stomach
and spend sleepless nights
without having to feel
drowsy the next day.
Nothing seems right,
yet nothing ever seems to go wrong!
You find yourself smiling
and begin to lose your real self.
You look in the mirror,
but you don't find yourself there.
It is that man who stole
your heart smiling back at you.

Valentine's Day

2012-02-06T13:46:00.003+08:00

The first recorded association of Valentine's Day with romantic love is in Parlement of Foules (1382) by Geoffrey Chaucer Chaucer wrote:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

"For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate."

Whenever this days comes, I am trying to avoid many queries about how and what am I doing to do. I guess I am not just a typical person who wants valentine to be some sorta like what others does. As for this day and the meaning of sharing love with the people you love. Somehow it is kinda not what I wanna explain nor what shall I do. I will be taking a major decision in life this year. Somehow yes it will affect some major changes but I guess happiness will only comes from within. From early December till end of January, I was highly infected with joy and love around me. The hype of being happy was there all the time. I guess no one is able to run away from the laws of physics. What goes up must come down. I would second that thought.

Call me a coward to run away from this. Yes, I think every decision I have taken from the beginning till now was right. Letting go and holding on. Yes I have let go something which meant to me, but I held on to something that I know will never happen. I guess this is call paying my dues. In the terms of past memories, I guess all these are just a form that I have to go through it. My heart is heavy. And my soul is tired. Too tired to feel I guess at this moment. And till the very end, the person I wanna hold on to will never be there for me to hold on to. Not because of whatever reasons but the reasons are unbearably painful yet nothing could change. I know that somehow this is for my good on his behalf. I know no matter what I do or say will never change anything at all. I will never ever understand anything that he had gone through in life. I guess this is what meant to be but not meant to be. How ironic that can be right? This part of my emotions will never be seen. I will have to make that change for the better of both of us.

In the time to come, I do not know what we will be, but I guess for the time being, you will never see what I see. But I am still happy with my own. Knowingly growing old with you is inevitable but just in a different way? I don't know. I know what I know now is I am going to miss you so damn much. But sometimes many things are not meant to be known. Sometimes, it has just have to go through this test. I know now how does it feel whenever it comes to that decision of having you around jumping up and down and knowing you are yet still very fond of getting hurt. I feel what you felt and I guess it is just time.

Having said that, you know I will always be there like I promise. No matter what, this is a decision that I have to make when time comes.

And to Mr D, Thank you for making me realise this part of me that I have neglected. Without you, I will never ever dare to take this step. You are always as inspirational and loving. You are the best thing that had ever happen to me~

Love is great, love is selfless. Love is perfect with loving the imperfections. Love is kind and love is silence. Only the heart will feel and to deny or held it away is a regret we shall live till the very last breath we take. Love needs not the mind to decide, but just where your heart beats, I know mine does.

Love Has No Regrets

2012-02-06T11:34:00.002+08:00

Love is sometimes denied,
sometimes lost,
sometimes unrecognized,
but in the end,
always found with no regrets,
forever valued and kept treasured

I read this on a beautiful book. But do I agree to it?! Yes I know I would a week ago. But now, I felt like crap. I know this would be a big blow to what I have written in the past. I am now having such a hard time. I lost all hope and the faith being in love? I don't know.

I wanted not to be like this. Knowingly with the love I have now I would screw up what I did in the past. In my mind the question kept going on about why and when and how. Maybe I am desperate to get out from this labyrinth of pain. But while I was walking through it again and again. But how can I do so? Yes I do feel way much better after having to see Mr D. Honestly, a sense of peace flows in when I see him with his smile and he is looking better. That was all I wanted. Just to see you healthy and happy. And your patience and listening to me mumbling through. And yet, still gimme that pat on the shoulder telling me I am doing good and just need to swing in to feel myself. Honestly, I do not know how would I do what you did if you were the one that needed strength. All night I was just worrying my fever would do you harm. But you were as you were with that sunshine smile of yours spreading the energy. It is just great to have you around always. I just don't have to be anyone else but myself.

And Mr D, I know I have said this but I am saying it again. You saw how strong you were? Do remember you were meant for this battle. You are stronger than you think you are.

At this moment, with what I have and I know and I am blessed and I should be grateful. But sometimes, scars needed time to heal. Hopefully like what Mr D says 3 months and I will die from it honestly. But yeah, maybe it is time to take a step back and focus a little bit on myself. I guess the neglect I have put into myself have been one of the reason why in the end I fall so hard. For now, just swim with the pain and be what I am.

Life Is Just Simple

2012-02-05T21:09:00.000+08:00

This is a post that took me days to write. Maybe I was really tired. And thank you to all my readers who send me emails and extend your concern. I am thankful to have all of your support even we didn't know each other. Thank you and I will be well. I just needed time to rehabilitate and I will come back stronger.

Sometimes, it is just a matter of time that we have to take to give ourselves a break. Sitting here by the beach looking at the sunset alone, lead me to think a little bit about what and how life has treated me. Honestly, I am blessed with so much love in life. Thanks to all that had given me so much support at my lowest point in life.

I guess I am just tired from all the things and I need to take things one step at a time. Firstly, thankful in the wee hours in the morning, Mr D with your warm words to support me even at the point you needed more than me. I can't wait to see you this coming Sunday~ And another new character, Mr G who appear commenting on the previous post. Thank you and I am touched with what you say. But I still hate you!

After yesterday post, I had a long talk with Cornflakes. He some said he envied what I could feel now. But as usual, the comfort he gave. I am really thankful to have the big 3 of mine with me at all times. I know how would you feel all the time and I know how you feel to cornflakes. I feel that every single day. But I somewhat don't know how to say what I feel. I am really know that cold lonely sensation. I wish I could make it right and tell you everything is ok. But I can't lie the fact that I know in the end of the day, we felt the same way and we also know nothing will make it right. The more cold it gets the harder it would be sometimes. I just somehow wanna make it right but I myself don't know how.

And watching Adam's new music video "Better Than I Know Myself" was kinda the conflict I am having at this moment. The fight between the light and dark side. In the end of the video, dark made peace with the light living co-existence together. That was some how the balance I wanted to have. I am still searching that balance and wanting to be that person I am. But what am I? I wanted to find myself but could I ever when I don't even know myself now? Walls are being built higher and higher. I am not alright but how am I going to do so? So I decided to come back and see Mr D. I know the one person who saw me for who I was at this moment when I start building walls. But I am not saying that I am pushing friends away. Do not get me wrong. I just needed to mend my wound. Yes I am broken. I know if I say I will be well and come back stronger now it is a lie. I wanted to. Just I do not know how would I able to hold on to that when I can't. Maybe I am really tired to lie to myself that I am well and fine. I just can't find that strength. My head hurts so much everyday. It was just so hard to go on. For now.

Sitting here in starbucks doing some writing work for the upcoming musical in April and blogging at the same time. Waiting for Mr D to come. Maybe whenever I am with him, the part of knowing I gotta be well and fight the war with him does help me to be positive. And I know he needed someone to ventilate. I will always be there.No matter what. This is not a promise. But this is what we have between us. The bond we have build so far. Listening to Outcast Of Love by Adam Lambert now even makes me feel stronger about it. Every word hits me like a knife cutting through me. But like it says. Just follow love, it will never leads to the wrong point in life.

Somehow I know even this year has been kind and well for me, I wanna share this with those who needed this more than I do. You guys know who you are. No matter how hard the journey for neither of us, we shall walk along this path just side by side. Life is hard I know but life is just simple. As long as we know what we are doing and staying true. Those who judge you or just don't talk about it is just doesn't really matter. You know you are genuine and you know who are to stay. With the love and care we share together this will bring us to a longer path in life for us. I know what you guys wanted for me so am I. I know where my journey leads me to and I know what I wanna do. I know beinig judge somehow still hurts very much but yea, truth hurts better than we continue to live in denial. I chosen to be where I stand. I don't wanna hate any more and I don't wanna hate myself any more. I know it is still hard and a long way to go. But I know, love attracts good. I will just have to bear with the pain and pay my dues. As time will only make me better. Just having a little faith.

Judgement

2012-02-03T03:27:00.001+08:00

Up to this very moment, I somehow do feel what and how Andrew really felt the other day. I know sometimes it is easier said until we really face it. Somehow I had my own music today. Somehow I was trying to put away all the negativity away. Or I am really just too broken to move from there? Am I tired? Yes I am. But should I deal with it or just push it away? I am kinda tired to think. Honestly I do think that somehow I was at fault. I oversee many things in life. But I was asking this to myself, is there a person has no mistakes? Yes I did pay my dues. But why am I feeling all these low? I felt miserable. Thinking of what I will do now.

Looking at my tweet and the time, I wonder will my angels see me the same way? Will they tolerant the beauty of pain? I felt kinda dampen in my hopes. Or I wonder I should be taking a step back and start letting go of my past? Yes, I do not deny after tonight, I am still afraid being judge. Somehow I wanted to just let it go but how can I do so? The pain was overpowering me. Should I start running away again? I don't know. As miserable as it would be. I know I would have been facing nothing but the regret of putting James in pain. I really thought I have let go of the memories. Being where we were 2 and a half years ago, all the memories fill in me and the pain was extremely unbearable. I wish I could just let it go and go on. But somehow I feel so hopeless here just sitting in the room with everyone sleeping and me writing here.

I keep telling myself to let it go and it meant nothing any more. But the guilt and pain is just unbearable. It just kept flowing in me and I wish I was just able to stop it right now. How can I do this? How can I just let it go? Whatever they think isn't important any more isn't it? He is a past. But why I am feeling all the knifes cutting me from the inside. Can I still do this? Why? God, I just feel like collapsing down with all my emotions and cry.

Andrew, I know now totally how you felt. Somehow now I knew that at that very moment, you just wanted to run and not staying there and feel what they are judging. You just wanted to let it all go and just be alone but still you have to put on that face that it is ok. I know now at that very moment, no matter what it is, it will not be ok. And all I really know now, even all that love and care for me like Cornflakes, Mr D and many more of my angels, you guys were great and was always there for me. I guess now is me judging myself a little too much. But how can I stop? How to be? I wanted all to stop. Can I just be that person now? Just wanted to keep running and tired of making things right. I guess tonight I will have to just sink myself in with the guilt that will haunt me forever. I really feel now I am not worth at all being love. Just for the reason that I could hurt someone that was loving me for me. But in the end, I hurt him with all my insecurities and the doubt I create.

The only thing I believe I done right was letting you know love is great. It was perfect and sweet. Until it has turn into doubts and the pain was so great it has turn us into what we are. Strangers.

The Island

2012-02-02T14:19:00.001+08:00

How much I love my family. I told Mr D that they are horribly lovely! That is how I describe them. I love them to the max and nothing comes close to that. But they are all as annoying as I am. Its just runs in the blood. Anyway, I had a few rounds of heart attack given by my "Beloved" Mr D~ I woke up in the morning checking my tweets and I saw no updates. Thinking that he might still be in bed or something so as usual I didn't wanna call to disturb his rest. All of a sudden out of no where here comes a text message on my phone with just two words. "I'm Dead:"

I literally guessing that he must have pull himself to work and he is not feeling good now at work. But somehow, it was not that bad. he was actually driving back home after being shoo off by his boss back home to rest. The best part was he is now having dizziness and he has to drive a "short distance" back home which is from Kota Kemuning to Kepong. How wonderful is that. But somehow I just felt the helplessness from his voice. Trying to be cheerful and all. But I know he is taking it slow and glad you start to open up and talk. Take one step at a time. Things gonna be fine. You still got me here walking you through life. You are not alone.

Anyway, I am heading off to an Island today.Where? Lets anticipate. It's a working and leisure trip all together. All I can think of is.. I am not going to be a spoiler now. Just hold on first and you guys shall know. Somehow it is a good day today. I know it will be. Mr D showing improvements and all. Dad being as annoying as he is as usual but still love him very much. I wonder what will unfold for me there. A new way to see how life could be? I don't know and I too anticipate everything. I know things gonna be exciting and kind to me. I am grateful with what I am being showered now in life.

Anticipating the things in life to unfold.

Tribute To Eric James Borges. RIP

2012-02-01T23:15:00.000+08:00

A gay teenager who committed suicide earlier this month claimed he had an exorcism performed on him by his Christian parents before they kicked him out of the house.

Eric James Borges, 19, took his own life on January 14 after suffering years of physical and verbal abuse at school and rejection from his 'extremist' family who made him leave home for being gay.

A friend read from the suicide note he left at one of several memorial services held for the young man in San Joaquin Valley, California last week. In it, he thanked friends for their love and support and mentioned Lady Gaga for being 'a fearless, relentless, proud LGBT advocate'.

Scroll down for video

Tragedy: Eric James Borges, 19, who took his own life in California, paid tribute to Lady Gaga in his suicide note for being 'relentless advocate' for LGBT teenagers

San Diego Gay & Lesbian News writer Melanie Nathan read from the teenager's note, which said: 'My pain is not caused because I am gay. My pain was caused by how I was treated because I am gay.'

'To my friends you gave me life and love, never think this was your fault...To Lady Gaga, you have been a fearless relentless proud LGBT advocate...'

More...

Mr Borges, known as EricJames to friends, interned at the Trevor Project advocacy group for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youth which aims to intervene and prevent suicide.

The teenager was an aspiring filmmaker who produced a short piece titled Invisible Creatures last year. Around a month ago he filmed It Gets Better, which he posted on YouTube telling other young people who are bulled because of their sexuality not to give up hope.

He revealed in his video that he was estranged from his family after he came out - his mother having performed an exorcism on him in a bid to 'cure' him, before he was told to leave home.

Fragile: Just weeks before he took his own life, Eric James Borges, 19, posted a YouTube video inspiring other LGBT youths to be strong

Suffered: Eric James Borges, who made films, was presecuted at school and kicked out by his family after he came out

Laura McGinnis, the Communications Director at The Trevor Project, called Borges' suicide a 'tragedy' and released a statement earlier this month, saying: 'We are deeply saddened to hear about the tragic death of EricJames Borges, and our hearts go out to his family and friends, and his community.

Fierce: Lady Gaga has visited the White House in support of young people who are bullied because of their sexual orientation

'EricJames was a dedicated, trained volunteer. Our main concern right now is that those affected by his death feel supported and can get the care they need.'

In It Gets Better, Borges speaks frankly of being tormented throughout his brief life, saying he was 'physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally assaulted on a day-to-day basis'.

He explained: 'I was raised in an extremist Christian household. My earliest recollections of my experience with the relentless and ongoing bullying was in kindergarten, but of course to a lesser degree.

'Throughout elementary, junior high and high school it got progressively worse. I was physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally assaulted on a day-to-day basis for my perceived sexual orientation.

''I had nowhere safe to go, either at home or school... My parents told me that, among other things, I was disgusting, perverted, unnatural and damned to Hell. About two months ago they officially kicked me out of my house.

'My name was not Eric but "Faggot".

'I reached my limit when I was assaulted in a full classroom with a teacher present. I dropped out, went on independent studies, graduated early and started college.

'My mother knew I was gay and performed an exorcism on me in an attempt to cure me.

'My anxiety, depression, self-loathing and suicidal thoughts spiked.'

Poignant: Borges wrote under this Facebook photo: 'I am human. I am also spiritually, emotionally, and sexually attracted to men. I am OUT. It took courage, and it was all worth it'

Advocacy: Mr Borges, known as EricJames to friends, interned at the Trevor Project advocacy group for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youth which aims to intervene and prevent suicide

But Borges' message to other teenagers was clear: 'I know it is hard, and I know what it feels like to be rejected and abused for your biological sexual orientation.

'And I know what it feels like to live in a world of government-sanctioned homophobia. But I refuse to be treated as a second-class citizen.'

Poignantly, given the circumstances of his death, Borges ends his video with a message of hope and encouragement, saying: 'You have an entire life fit to burst with opportunities ahead of you.

'Don't ever give up, and don't ever for one second think that you're not a valuable and beautiful contribution to this world.'

Fan: Jamey Rodemeyer loved Lady Gaga and left a thank you to her as one of his last postings before he killed himself last year

Last year a 14-year-old boy who blogged about being suicidal due to incessant bullying at school thanked Lady Gaga in his final post before killing himself.

Jamey Rodemeyer, from Buffalo, New York, posted a lyric from Lady Gaga's song The Queen on his Facebook page which said: 'Don't forget me when I come crying to heaven's door.'

He then posted a tribute to Lady Gaga, thanking her.

The singer visited the White House and met Obama administration staff to discuss bullying prevention last month.

Obama senior adviser Valerie Jarrett praised the star as 'a source of strength for many young people who feel isolated and scared at their schools'.

Stereotype - Sex Sells

2012-02-01T21:25:00.002+08:00

Ok now, many may wonder why these few weeks I have been posting some semi nude or some steamy softcore pictures on my blog. I conclude that SEX SELLS!

Somehow it also concludes that we are all stereotypes in our very own way. Which is not a happy thing to agree with. This is my findings after 2 weeks of posting simulating photos on my posts. Whenever a post without or which doesn't have steamy hot guys of softcore images, on average a day my readers would be 900-1500 readers a day. But however I just posted something about something that stimulates our very own human nature, I have on average 1500-2000 readers in 2 hours! Hilarious isn't it?

Honestly, I am not writing any kinda exotic hot steamy stories. My post mostly are just emotions and interest me in life. But somehow we can't deny we live in a culture where we are grow to be this way. Whenever our instincts tells us. But I really wonder sometimes, are we all this way? Look what are we surrounded with in life?

Even in the real economy world, look at how A&F are. Selling point are men! How do they sell themselves? Through sex. I am not saying that it is a bad thing. I do think they are seriously good in their marketing strategy! I am not saying all these are a bad thing or what. But just a realization that we are this way. Our in depth of understanding of what triggers us in real life.

I still remember the conversation I had with one of my angels earlier last week. About judgement and how people label you in life. But somehow it is a culture that we are living in. As the first instinct that reflect in our mind are the things we are build to be in this world. In another perspective, we can still live in this culture but put out the judgement part of someone. I know sometimes it is really hard for us when anger and frustration and even bad emotions we have. We tend to lose control. But what I am trying to say is sometimes we can really make a smile than making others feel inferior in life. What do we gain? Pride?

Honestly, I would say I am a person who has the lowest self esteem in life. I don't even feel good when I look in the mirror. I judge myself. But somehow I try to change this in myself. Trying everyday to tell myself that I love how I am. (Which honestly didn't work at the mean time) but I know I will get there one day. We are living in a stereotype world we do not deny. And it is not a bad thing at all. But sometimes when it comes to words, just remember we can really change all those barbs into roses. Even judging ourselves. I am just a normal regular guy who loves life as it is and I wanted to make myself feel better everyday. I know I am no where near at the moment, but I know one day I will get there. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. You may like it you may hate it. But guess what, the person that judge you sometimes may not even remember who you are after saying so. Or even the most beautiful person in the world may even be judge for something. But everyone is free to be who they are. If they are happy with it, let them be.

And I wanted to emphasize on one thing again! I am not comparing the world and saying this culture is bad. It is just a way we see things. Sometimes, even the ugliest thing may be the most beautiful thing in life. It is all about perceptions. Love has no rules, love have no boundaries, love have no judgement. love is everywhere. This is a beautiful life to be in if all of us could just sometimes put ourselves aside from all we see from our eyes and let love take over once a while It is a beautiful place to be in.

Social Network

2012-02-01T20:23:00.000+08:00

What do think when these two words appear in your mind?
Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Google+, Blogger and many more.

This list will just go on and on. But I am not here to talk about what are the pros and cons about social network. But what I wanted to talk about here is what social network is to our lives. Honestly, the very first thing I do in the morning is checking my twitter before moving to facebook and to google+.

I am a blogger myself. I kinda blog about everything I go through in life. Good or bad, childish or even emotional part of me. But somehow a blog to me is a way for me to express myself like a journal. Just that it isn't private. I do have another blog which is I keep for myself. I somehow like sharing parts of my life. The best thing is when out of no where you kinda like inspire someone to do something in life. Big or small matter. It doesn't really matter. But are we obsessed with it? I know I kinda am. I still remember when I was in Singapore and I wasn't able to get connected for the first day. I need to ask Mr D to tweet for me. hahah.. Now that is stupid. But when I observe the people around me like my brother. He was also one fella that live and breath with social network. I am somehow give it a deep thought about it.

I remember when I was in Singapore, one family of 4 was all on their device. The mother and father was on the iPhone and the kids were on the iPad on facebook. Somehow I think too much of a thing sometimes doesn't do any good to us. Think about a life when we talk only though twitter or facebook. (Somehow I think its a good thing I did not approve my mom and dad on facebook friends request) or just think about what some people do, when they were like dating in the cyber world? or even some people will have to like post every single thing in life on facebook. Sounds like me doesn't it? Argh. this is depressing. What if human don't have sex any more but though fax? ok now that is a very lame joke. I know. hahah...

But yeah true, this is not a life if everything has to be on social network. Sometimes we should think how to balance up life with the things we do in life. I saw one photo which is funny yet somehow kinda slap me in the face talking about social network. Do I want this? Not really. I wonder if I do try a little harder, would I be able to find that balance? Lets see. Only time will tell.

Bizarre Dream

2012-02-01T15:49:00.000+08:00

This is something really really bizarre and funny at the same time. I was actually lying on my bed doing some arrangement work for Oz. And somehow I fell asleep. It was one of the funniest dream I had and I have to share this experience with my readers.

It somehow begun with American Idol competition when two groups of participants boys and girls living in a mansion. And we were all getting to go to Kelly Clarkson's GIG. She somehow turn into the picture of her I saw lately like she had gone twilight fever. She turn into a vampire. It was damn damn funny. I can't really tell who were those people that appear in the dream. I felt weird and somehow I kinda change everything into America's Top Model cycle. It turn tremendously. Into St Regis Singapore Suites. With the butler and so on. And I somehow was craving for food or something and the scene turn into a mall like. I can't tell it was foodtown or it was Wal-Mart. And everyone was like into this shopping with the lowest budget given and time limit. How random more it can get right?

It will go even further! And I saw my best friend Suki. And I did not know how her mother was Latoya London! Seriously guys, please don't ask me why and how! I was enjoying the drama and so on in the dream. And I don't know how it get, it went on to her coming out to her so call mother - Latoya that she was gay. Her mother was upset and crying. And I held her hand, wanted to tell her that it wasn't her choice to make and she is still who she was and loves her very much still. I can't really remember how the conversation went. But I know I was laughing in my sleep so hard! The best part wasn't even near yet.

I have this habit of playing music when I sleep. And somehow, her mother (which I dunno how she was a black girl) burst into this hindi alike film singing Adele's One and Only. Explaining she (my best friend) was her only baby girl she loves no matter what. In that kinda dramatic way lying on the floor with tears and telling me how much she loves her daughter. And somehow there, I open my eyes and Adele's voice kept singing this tune. That was the dream I had. How random and dramatic it was right! Now I felt how hopeless I am with my dreams! Even Dreams are so funny!

Just wanted to share with you guys about this and hope would put some touch and laughter to those who are hard at work today! :)

Malaysia Airlines Links Up To Global Explorer Round-The-World Fare

2012-02-01T15:26:00.000+08:00

Oneworld member elect Malaysia Airlines’ full global schedule involving around 60 destinations worldwide will be included in the Global Explorer from tomorrow, adding one of the most attractive networks in South East Asia to the round-the-world fare offered by all members of the alliance and selected other airlines.

Through this coverage, almost 20 more cities of Malaysia Airlines’ network in South East Asia, including two more countries namely Brunei and Myanmar, will be added to the Global Explorer map, expanding the round-the-world’s global reach to more than 900 destinations in nearly 150 countries.

Some destinations that Malaysia Airlines adds to Global Explorer include Johor Bahru, Langkawi and Kuching in Malaysia, Myanmar capital Yangon, Indonesia’s Medan and Cambodia’s Siem Reap.

Global Explorer covers all routes offered by oneworld’s existing member airlines – American Airlines, British Airways, Cathay Pacific, Finnair, Iberia, Japan Airlines, LAN, Malév Hungarian Airlines, Qantas, Royal Jordanian and Russia’s S7 plus some 20 affiliated carriers, including LAN Argentina, LAN Ecuador, LAN Peru, China’s Dragonair and South Africa’s Comair.

Global Explorer is also offered by a number of airlines that have no links with oneworld – Aer Lingus, Air Pacific, Alaska Airlines and its Horizon Airlines sister, Gulf Air and Meridianafly. Flights carrying the Qantas code but operated by Air Tahiti Nui, Jetstar, South African Airways and Vietnam Airlines are included too, expanding the reach covered by the fare further still.

For travel from Malaysia, four tiers of Global Explorer fares are offered with tier 1 economy fare starting from as low as RM11,184.00 (excluding taxes and surcharges) covering five cities around the world. The highest, tier 4 economy fare, from Malaysia is capped at RM18,171.00 (excluding taxes and surcharges) for travel covering a maximum of 15 cities.

Child fares (between 2 to 11 years) and infant fares (up to 23 months of age) are charged at 75% and 10% of the applicable adult fare.

Bookings and ticketing for this fare can be made direct with systemwide ticket offices of both Malaysia Airlines andoneworld member airlines as well as the other participating airlines. This fare is also available through all appointed agents of these airlines.

An attractive feature of this fare is the free baggage allowance where each adult and child passenger is permitted to check in two pieces of baggage each weighing up to 23 kilograms per piece. Normal charges apply for baggage weights in excess of the free allowance.

Another aspect is the fare validity .Whilst the minimum travel validity for all four tiers is 10 days, the maximum validity allows the journey to be completed within one year from the date of travel of the first sector.

This represents a first step by Malaysia Airlines towards becoming a full member of oneworld, which is on track for later this year. By then Malaysia’s national carrier will start participating in the full range of the alliance’s fares and offer all other services and benefits of the alliance to customers.

Meanwhile, ones network to be added when it boards oneworld later this spring. Both will start participating in the full range of the oneworld fares once they join the alliance.

Global Explorer offers simple, flexible, and great value round-the-world travel for trips of up to one year long.

Four versions of Global Explorer are available. Tiers 1, 2 and 4 are for travel only in Economy Class, but Tier 3 can be used also in First or Business. Not all tiers are available from all countries.

Tier	Class	Max. trip length	Stopovers Allowed	Sample itinerary	Sample lead-in fares for travel from (excluding taxes/levies/charges)
Tier		Max. trip length	Stopovers Allowed	Sample itinerary	Malaysia	Australia	UK	USA
1	Economy	26,000 miles	Minimum 2, maximum 5. No more than 2 within any one region.	Kuala Lumpur – London – Madrid – Chicago – Los Angeles – Tokyo- Kuala Lumpur	MYR 11,184	A$ 3,299	GBP 1,850	US$ 3,799
2	Economy	29,000 miles	Minimum 2, maximum 15 No more than 4 within any one region.	Hong Kong- Kota Kinabalu- Kuala Lumpur- Perth– Johannesburg – London – New York – Hong Kong	MYR 12,810	A$ 3,899	GBP 2,131	US$ 5,399
3	Economy Business First	34,000 miles	Minimum 2, maximum 15. No more than 4 within any one region.	Kuching – Kuala Lumpur – Tokyo – Los Angeles – Santiago – Buenos Aires– London– x Kuala Lumpur -Kuching	MYR 15,085	A$ 4,499	GBP 2,630	US$ 6,199
4	Economy	39,000 miles	Minimum 2 maximum 15. No more than 4 within any one region.	Penang – Kuala Lumpur – Sydney – Los Angeles – Miami-Buenos Aires-Lima-Santiago- Madrid-Paris-Budapest-London - x Kuala Lumpur – Penang	MYR 18,171	A$ 5,199	GBP 3,067	US$ 7,199

Malaysia Airlines Cabin Crew and oneworld

Keeping the faith: Airbus A330 and Boeing 777 remain popular

2012-02-01T13:23:00.000+08:00

Unlike their single-aisle product line-ups, Airbus and Boeing's widebody families have never been perfectly aligned in terms of size and performance.

The European airframer's A330 twinjet spans two of its rival's family - the top end of the 767 and the bottom end of the 777 - and is directly in the sights of Boeing's 767 replacement, the 787. And while the current versions of the A340, the -500/600, are more in syncwith their US rivals - the 777-200LR/300ER respectively - the Airbus quadjet appears to be in the twilight of its life after several successive years of slow sales and low output.

Despite Airbus's success in racking up launch deals for the A330/A340's ultimate replacement, the A350 XWB, sales of the current twinjet have been at record levels, with 196 aircraft sold in 2007 and a further 142 in 2008.


© Boeing The GE90-115 powered 777 versions now account for all orders and most deliveries

© Boeing

The GE90-115 powered 777 versions now account for all orders and most deliveries

The same has not been true for the A340. Production has effectively ended for the original CFM56-powered A340-300 variant - the last of 246 on order was delivered in 2008 - while output of the R-R Trent 500-powered -500/600 is at a trickle.

Similarly, at Boeing's 777 plant in Everett, the output centre of gravity has shifted firmly in favour of the newer GE90-115-powered -200LR/300ER variants.

With a backlog of more than 300 aircraft and production running at seven a month the airframer's biggest twinjet is set fair for the near term. The collapse in the cargo market was largely behind the decision to cut 777 output by two units a month to five from June 2010.

But with the A350 looming, Boeing is evaluating how it could develop the 777 to counter the new threat. Various alternative mid-life updates are being examined along with a broader response such as a 787-based development and an all-new 777 replacement.

Meanwhile, Airbus has been working to close the gap to the 787 with the A330. A 5t increase in maximum take-off weight to 238t will be available on new-build A330-200s from September 2010 providing a 610km (330nm) increase in range or an extra 3.4t of payload.


© Airbus

The upgrade can also be retrofitted to A330-200s built from February 2004. Korean Air was the first airline to commit to the higher-weight version with an order for six earlier this year.

In an effort to help sales - and current operators - of the A340, Airbus has developed a lower-drag belly fairing, which the airframer believes is worth around 1% in terms of fuel-burn reduction. It will be standard on new-build aircraft from the end of this year, with a retrofit also available.

The four-engined jet has also benefited from an increase in maintenance check intervals that Airbus has negotiated with regulatory authorities for it and its twin-engined sister, which Airbus claims should reduce airframe direct maintenance cost by up to 6%.

In the meantime, the two airframers have been developing all-cargo variants, which are entering the market during the worst downturn the freight industry has experienced in its modern history. The 103t payload 777F - developed from the -200LR platform - made its debut in February with Air France. However, the downturn has resulted in 787Fs for another launch customer - China Southern Airlines - being deferred, withthe result that brand-new airframes have been parked in the desert.

Airbus will be hoping that the timing will be better for its new A330-200F. This 64t payload freighter is due to fly during November and enter service with Etihad Airways' cargo arm in mid-2010.

Despite the sector's current poor trading conditions - cargo traffic has seen year-on-year declines of over 20% - the airframers are evaluating cargo conversion opportunities for the in-service fleet of A330s and 777s, and Airbus and Boeing could both launch modification programmes within the next 12 months for the A330-300 and 777-200/200ER, respectively.

SALES SUFFER

Sales of all the in-production twin-aisle aircraft have suffered in 2009, with orders down substantially on last year. The A330 and 777 are neck and neck at the end of the third quarter, on 18 and 16 net orders, respectively. The A340 and 767 are both in deficit to the tune of one and three aircraft, respectively.

Boeing leads the way in widebody output, delivering 63 777s and six 767s in the first nine months. The A330 is not far behind the big Boeing, on 53, but A340 output remains low, with just nine shipments.

The A330 boasts the largest backlog, with 390 on order, compared with 303 for the 777 and 57 for the 767. With just 14 A340s still to be delivered, production could run out by the end of next year unless more sales are secured.

With the passenger version of the 767 having seen a recovery in sales in the wake of the 787 delays, half of the 10 deliveries in the first nine months were the -300ER model. Freighter production accounted for four aircraft during the period, including the first -300Fs for DHL - which were equipped with Aviation Partners Boeing winglets.

From the Billboards To The Grammys

2012-02-01T13:00:00.001+08:00

After weeks of speculation, it has finally been announced thatAdele will be performing at the 54th annual Grammy Awards on Feb. 12, marking her first live performance sinceundergoing vocal surgery last year.

"I'm immensely proud to have been asked to perform at this year's GRAMMY Awards," said Adele in a statement. "It's an absolute honor to be included in such a night, and for it to be my first performance in months is very exciting and of course nerve-racking, but what a way to get back into it all."

The Grammys: Adele, Kanye West Lead Nominations

The "Rolling In The Deep" songstress joins previously-announced performers Jason Aldean, Kelly Clarkson, Glen Campbell, The Band Perry, Blake Shelton, Coldplay, Rihanna, Foo Fighters, Bruno Mars, Paul McCartney, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift. LL Cool J is signed on to host.

Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Bruno Mars To Perform at Grammy Awards

Earlier today (Jan. 31), Adele tweeted about her upcoming performance. "Ima be, Ima be singing at the Grammys. It's been so long I started to forget I was a singer! I can't wait, speak soon xx," she wrote.

The two-time Grammy winner is nominated for six awards this year, including Album Of The Year, Record Of The Year and Song Of The Year.

It seems that every week, there is a new Adele-related accolade to tout.

And this week is no different, as her "21" album hits its 17th week at No. 1 on the Billboard 200 chart (95,000; down 9%). "21" has been No. 1 longer than any other album since "The Bodyguard" soundtrack wrapped a 20-week run at No. 1 on the chart dated May 29, 1993.

Could "21" hold on another week at the top? That all depends on how new albums from Tim McGraw ("Emotional Traffic"), Celtic Woman ("Believe") and Kellie Pickler ("100 Proof") -- among others -- sell this week. Also new to market: the "2012 Grammy Nominees" compilation.

Rihanna's "Talk That Talk" is up two slots to No. 5 (20,000; down 8%),Young Jeezy's "TM103: Hustlerz Ambition" is steady at No. 6 (19,000; down 19%), and Toby Keith's "Clancy's Tavern" zooms 22-8 with 17,000 (up 27%). The latter album's physical CD was sale priced for just $4.99 at Target stores last week. Also only $4.99 last week: George Strait's "Icon" greatest hits (118-66 with 6,000; up 63%) and Le'Andria Johnson's "The Awakening of Le'Andria Johnson" (174-79 with 5,000; up 78%).

Rounding out the top 10 are Coldplay's "Mylo Xyloto" (moving 8-9 with 17,000; down 13%) and Nickelback's "Here and Now" (falling 9-10 with just under 17,000; down 13%).

Right outside the top 10 is the third biggest entry of the week, as Attack Attack's "This Means War" bows at No. 11 (17,000). Right behind that is the surging "Joyful Noise" soundtrack, which zips 21-12 with a bit under 17,000 (up 23%).

On the Digital Songs chart, David Guetta's "Turn Me On," featuring Nicki Minaj, blasts from No. 7 to No. 1, selling 198,000 downloads (up a whopping 44%). It's the first No. 1 on the Digital tally for either artist, and should bode well for the song's fortunes on the overall Billboard Hot 100 singles chart. (News on the latter list will be released later on Wednesday.)

Last week's No. 1, Adele's "Set Fire to the Rain," slips to No. 2 with 185,000 (down 4%). Right behind her is a hard-charging Kelly Clarkson, which sees her "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)" fly 11-3 with 175,000 sold (up 48%).

Tyga's "Rack City" falls one spot to No. 4 (148,000; down 11%), Flo Rida's "Good Feeling" slips 2-5 with 142,000 (down 21%) and Rihanna's "We Found Love" holds at No. 6 with 140,000 (up less than 1%).LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It" slides three rungs to No. 7 (134,000; down 14%), Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa's "Young, Wild & Free" drops three to No. 8 (134,000; down 11%) and Jessie J's "Domino" hits the top 10 for the first time, climbing 16-9 (122,000; up 25%). Closing out the top 10 is Katy Perry's "The One That Got Away," which returns to the top 10, rising 14-10 with 117,000 sold (up 9%). The latte benefits from an acoustic version of the song, which was released to digital retailers on Jan. 16.

Overall album sales in this past chart week (ending Jan. 22) totaled 5.01 million units, down 1% compared to the sum last week (5.10 million) and down 4% compared to the comparable sales week of 2011 (5.25 million). Year to date album sales stand at 15.95 million, up 3% compared to the same total at this point last year (15.54 million).

Digital track sales this past week totaled 27.89 million downloads, down 2% compared to last week (28.56 million) and up 6% stacked next to the comparable week of 2011 (26.38 million). Year to date track sales are at 89.21 million, up 7% compared to the same total at this point last year (83.60 million).

Next week's Billboard 200 competes with the same week in 2011 when:Amos Lee's "Mission Bell" rang the bell at No. 1, debuting with 40,000.Iron & Wine's "Kiss Each Other Clean" started in the runner-up slot with 39,000. The previous week's No. 1, the Decemberists' "The King Is Dead," fell to No. 10 with 29,000 (down 69%).

Details in The Fabric

2012-02-01T01:56:00.000+08:00

In the early hours of today, it was still raining when I woke up. Somehow I was kinda uneasy the whole night. Somehow when emotionally someone is not stable, our physical mode somehow will get affected. And when I receive the message I somehow knew my intuition is right.

When u tweeted me in the morning, my heart just drop and died-ed. I somehow was worried as hell. I would be lying if I say I am not. But It did make me felt a little better when I know your sister is taking care of you.

Yet again the question kept running within me. But I really don't care any more. I would not care any kinda perceptions that others may think of me. All I wanted is your health and happiness. And I really do not know how to put your smile back there. And at last something came up to me. Out of no where. This came so perfect. Mr D, I want you to know no matter what, you know only you yourself can free you from the pain you are holding on to. I am doing everything. But without you letting yourself free, it will not able to achieve anything.

Mr D, I never ever gave up on you. Please don't give in. Yes, I am very scared. Scare of losing you. I still wanted to go Hong Kong with you. So many things we wanna do together. Please get well. please..

This is for you. I will be there by your side till the end, but you have to know you are doing this not for me or anyone. Just for yourself. Please let us love you. It was never a burden. It was never any responsibility or anything. It is just too much we haven't done. I have fought my fight. Don't give up on me now. You will get well, I know you will.. Please.. please.. If you will read this post, you will understand why this song is for you. I just want you to know I am always here with you. Just by your side.

Calm down

Deep breaths

And get yourself dressed instead

Of running around

And pulling all your threads and

Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it

If its a broken arm then brace it

If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on

Help is on the way

Stay strong

I'm doing everything

Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

And everything

Everything will be fine

Everything

Are the details in the fabric

Are the things that make you panic

Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow

Hell, no reason, go on and scream

If you're shocked it's just the fault

Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine

Everything in no time at all

Everything

Hold your own

And know your name

Go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own)

Are the things that make you panic (Know your name)

Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Hold your own

Know your name

Go your own way.

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own)

Are the things that make you panic (Know your name)

Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine? (Go your own way)

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own)

Hell no reason go on and scream (Know your name)

If youre shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)

Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine

Everything in no time at all

Hearts will hold

Blocked Out Of The Heart

2012-01-31T03:21:00.000+08:00

Nothing in life seems meaningful
Nothing in life seems beautiful
All I have is love for you
I live for you and only you...

You are the ray of hope I have seen
Nothing in life could be as good as it has been
Don't stay away from me
Ah! My heart longs together to be.

It's been long, very long
You are the one to whom I belong
Life has not been easy
You are the one who could set me free.

Commitments we had shared
So we were ready and dared
How can we get our dream this way
Individually, with time to spare!

Fast days are passing by
Together we got to fly
Now no time to step back
Asking time to set a track.

I live for you and only you
Together I am sure we can make it true
Let's get together and love each other
With nothing in this world to bother.

I live for you, You live for me
This is the way it should be
Because, I live for you and only you
Nothing in life can be as beautiful as you.

After reading this beautiful stanzas by Benhur Saons, I kinda feel why more and more poets and writers all yearns for a love which is proclaimed as self satisfactions. I sometimes wonder am I doing the right thing when everyone thinks I am such a dump ass. Honestly, I don't really care about how others wanna label or claim me as I know I owned myself. Months ago when decided to take on this journey, I knew it was never easy. And deep down, I know I wanted nothing but your health and happiness. I really do understand that the pain and hardship you are going through in life now.

I was defeated today. I was talking to Cornflakes about myself and my own problems. But as what he does best, telling me it was the right path and choice. All I have to do is keep loving him and give the best to make it right for myself. As supportive as he was always.

I know sometimes it felt like being betrayed and sentence to death when you really got no one to turn to. I know I should not feel lost at points like this but I really don't know how. Honestly, I felt disconnected. Something and sometimes, it was just a thing we say hi and brushing off things. I wanted to talk it out, but I am just too far away at the moment to even make things right.

I really can't read minds My Jo, ( Scottish meaning of dear) But all I felt you felt you will somehow burden and couldn't return the care and love providing to you. And you wanted to just run off the way it is. I was the way you were if what I felt was right. But you changed me to say it is ok to let people into our life and let them love and care. I really don't know what else I would able to make it right. And I know now it is extremely hard for ya and I know it will be tough fighting alone. But I am not asking anything in return from ya. I just wanted to stand by you and do what you have given me. Is that too much to ask I wonder sometimes.. .. ..

Or maybe I am just too tired to feel anything and all are not right. I really don't know. I really wish now that the wish I got would really comes true. May all the love and health filled you and make it right again. You are not alone. I am always just here standing beside you. I held on you all this while. But will you let me hold on to make yours right too?

When there is love, there ain't any judgement nor prespective even perceptions. It is just the heart beats that counts and counting every beat is just for you~

My Feeling - Your Thought

2012-01-31T00:12:00.000+08:00

Your thought just runs through my head,When am awake or in bed.
Life has suddenly taken a big leap,
Happiness is about to heap.
Having you by my side has got the happiness,
I longed for quite a while for this oneness.
Your thought makes me smile,
Helping me cross yet another mile.
I love you lots my sweet lil' baby so smart,
Promising each other to never fall apart...
Let's just enjoy the happiness together,
as it marks the start !

A Wish

2012-01-30T16:47:00.003+08:00

I was really caught up with work and was too tired to write anything last night. Yesterday was once of the awesome days that I was in. I was being brought to this very nice restaurant for the most awesomess food. But that wasn't about this post. Zalina took up us to this beautiful retreat centre on top of the hill. It was the most beautiful place I have ever been to.

There was this wonderful beautiful stupa there made out of the offering bowls for monks. I lost count every time I nearly hit 1000 which is not even near to half of the bowls use to build it. One the most beautiful thing was on top of the stupa. There were nearly thousands of bells and chimes. The sound of it was peaceful. I have recorded a short clip to share with you guys.

When I was on top of the pagoda, there were like a lot of bowls there. It was said that those who had their coin toss into it, it will have one wish come true. It looks easy but it actually isn't easy at all. There are only eight bowls at the very tops. The coins will not fall to the floor either. It is either you will get it into the bowl are just right into the pipes above. Wishes comes true only when you throw it into the bowls.

This is how Erin do it. Throwing the coins into the bowls above!

So here comes the adorable cutie Erin, bringing me coins. As most of you know I believe that making my own luck and everything. So relatively my mind was empty. And here goes, believe or not, the 10 bhat went into the bowl. So Zalina ask me to make a wish. As natural it comes, all my mind was just wanted you to get well and just wanna see you healthy. I think until today, one month past, and 2012 had given me more blessings than I am asking for. So I guess this is the right choice too. I am really sorry guys, I wish I would write more. But just my emotions these few days wasn't right at all. I wish I would be at a lighter emotions and definitely promise to write about this trip.

I could summary this working trip as, Busy, Relax, Spiritual and Hopes.
Here are the pictures.. I hope everyone would enjoy it as much with the clip as well.

My Religion - Love

2012-01-29T12:30:00.001+08:00

I have been astonished that
men could die martyrs
for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd
for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.

Borders

2012-01-28T13:39:00.000+08:00

Sitting here waiting for my uncle in Thailand. I feel sometimes life has it's own way to make things right. Even at times when most doubtful. I was kinda emotional last night with the physical annoyance and mental state. But I bring up the real me within again. When I got up this morning, my brother fell sick and wasn't able to go to Thailand with me. So I decided to go myself by my own style. I took the bus from Kangar to Padang Besar. While I was on my way, my uncle called me up ask me to wait for him and he will send me to Songkla from there. With the low emotions and overflowing from last night, I felt so content now. With just a little faith and a smile, things has changed into a strings of beautiful events.

I was texting with Zalina while I was on my way and she even wanted to come pick me up. But of course, I would go there by myself. She is such a sweet heart even I never met her before. I couldn't wait to go meet her. I have a feeling she would be like Nell. I feel she is also filled with a pocket full of magic dust.Reflecting back on my so called confusing post last night. In facebook many has email me showing their concerns. But what I would say is I live my life myself.

Honestly, I do not know it was me myself or I start to feel the gap between. But I will not explain any further. I am here to stay and I will be myself. Nothing more and nothing less. I will never deny my heart about how I feel and I won't hide. I know maybe you may think I will never understand what or how you feel. But I learn something important this year. Even it is still January. Letting people into our life. Thanks to Mr D to teach me this.Yeah, it is really uncharted waters for me to explore but it is also a territory that I will never know how will that feel if I never try. I have done my part. And seriously, I never felt that good. A long talk with Cornflakes last night till 3-4am on the phone. And irritating Garend. I really see life differently now. Sometimes, we thinks it is best for us but if we just put in a little more effort, things will change and you will never know to the better or worst until you try.Just a little faith and everything will be well.

Well, sitting here at the border waiting is as much fun as I never expect this.But yet again, I won't deny sometimes living in a culture of insults, we tend to judge most of the time. But when we take our stand and try make that change, this is where the interesting part fill in our story. Till then.

Love
Ricky

Is Hope Lost?

2012-01-28T01:04:00.001+08:00

Wanted to post this on Ricism but in the end, what the hell. I believe all these served as an inspiration to many life out there. And I wanted to share this to have others see the beauty and harshness of life. Ricism will have a long holiday at the moment and stay tune in Ric's Memoirs.

“Is hope lost?”
The mind-boggling question silently haunting into the wee hours.
Attacks upon attacks upon attacks,
In broad daylight and even into the glimmers of the sunsets.
Its refusal to seize almost murdered me.

My constant reply, the only one i know, but still,
“I don’t know.”
The words which form the sentence, free from grammatical errors, sounds perfectly right but, but yet, absolutely meaningless.
There was never really an answer.

Around I trot like defeated titans,
I drag myself through the flames of Sahara,
Bitten was i the frost of Atlantic,
The tempest, the winds of Katrina,
The seven stages of Hell, my life.

“Almost lost”, my heart whimpers,
Far far far from found,
The will to hold onto the fleeting grip,
The courage lessened by the days,
Fear was omnipresent.
Darker the days more than midnight.

“Is hope lost?”
I asked a passing stranger
with eyes of sunlight and
Smiles made of rainbow.
“Is hope lost?”
I asked again.
Silence was loud but,
With a touch as calm as the river and
Kisses as soft as rose,
A reply,
“No hope is lost.
You. You. You
are the hope itself.”

Dear you,

The strangest and sweetest of things happen when you least expect it. Thank you for bringing me back to life and restoring my hopes. You’ve made me feel things again of which I thought would be impossible. For that, I’m grateful. Until we meet again…

Lots of love

Blessed & Filled With Love

2012-01-27T23:46:00.001+08:00

After a strings of drama by my brother's car, I ended up having our first reunion dinner with my family. I always believe everything happen for a reason. I honestly do think I am very blessed, no, I am too blessed! With the extended family from my mother's family, two big tables. But the main attraction of attention stays with my family. Everyone was like having a discipline dinner in jail or something. My family are like the rebels. Loudest and doing everything out of the norm. I guess this explain my usual attitude. And I am not complaining at all. Everyone were looking at us and somehow like we are these weird exotic animals.Then out of no where, one of my mother's cousin asked why are the 6 of us so close? (Including my brother's girlfriend). We just look at them and seriously, how could we ever explain that without sounding like a bitch? See!! I told you guys sometimes it is so hard. If we were to be honest, people will think that we are bitches. But we just smile and brush off and continue with what we do.

Honestly, I am happy and blessed as my family accepted me being gay and everything. All they wanted is my well-being. My youngest brother Elvin was sorta like staying away from the cousin of ours who is utterly nonsense when he got drunk with one cuppa beer. He was really a mess. And I find my brother kinda cute being his own kinda bitch! It runs in the family! Then outta no where, he turn to me and said,

"Kiko, he is like so gay!!! I can't even stand the way he ask me about the things that usually girls ask me. Even you are gay you are like all sorta cool and even your gay friends are cool and awesome. He is like NONSENSE!!"

Elvin is 17 this year. And seriously, the only reaction I wanna give him was a big hug! But in the same time, it was funny! I really felt so touched he could even openly talk about this kinda things. The night went on and more and more interesting things happen. I overheard my father and mother talking to my other brother (Ernie) and his baby (JiaJia) Explaining that why being gay is nothing wrong. It wasn't a choice to be made by me. And no matter what, family should be supportive and happy on whatever decision I made in my life as like I was supportive towards both of them. I seriously am now overwhelm with the joy and love shared by my family. And daddy even says he hope that I would find someone deserving for me and if we decided to get married, he will be there like he did always. I tear up and i pull my youngest brother out to company me for a cigarette to compose myself.

Love does really makes wonders. But I really do not know how to explain myself. I should be feeling extremely happy with this. But somehow there is like something missing. I am not saying I am not happy. Just something is not there to complete this. Love has no judgement, no discrimination, no race, no age, no gender, no illness, and no boundaries.

I know there are so much love from my family and friends that have shown me. But today I just somehow couldn't run away from the fact the lack of the love I am yearning for in life. The person to grow old with. I know memories are meant to be memories. But today, I felt I was an idiot to have washed the love I had into the drain. But that is a love too sacred for me to hold. He deserve someone better. But yes, I miss the time when we were in love. After I have move on from that, when I fell in love again, I have love a person who is still raw with this. Somehow it doesn't fit the whole picture. The things we wanted in life are different. But glad we didn't burn, we are still close and being supportive with each others decision. And then, another one is a love that will I never to hold on as the decision was never mine to make. He is much deserving a love that he dream of. I know I will not fit into that picture with him. I am not good enough to make him felt loved and safe. I know I have made the choice of that months ago. I know definitely I am doing this all right.

Maybe is the emotions with all the emo songs playing in the background make me feeling it. Relatively yes I am feeling kinda lonely with Kelly's voice singing some jazzy tunes. I am happy with what I have now and what I am doing. But sometimes, I tend to forget what I am, just a normal human being. Whenever I reflect this, everything flows in. I would be lying if I say I am not thinking of ways to keep you safe and happy. I would not go further about this.I definitely know if you were to read this, you would even walked out and feel I deserve more than this. But if you were to really walk out from me, I will never ever will even forgive you. You promised that you will not judge me. I kept mine that I did not. I will say this again, I decide and manage my own life. I am doing everything on my own accord. I am not expecting anything at all from you but just your well-being. Damn this is hard to make it not obvious! Damn I miss Andrew now, he is always the best to help me make things blurred! Where are you when I need you?! hahaha.. but back to the story, yes I am just doing what I wanted to.

In many ways, even with what I am now, I am really happy. I have had a love which I always dream of. Yes I screwed up, but yeah, everyone makes mistakes in life. But I am kinda content with myself now. Somehow sometimes when I think back of what I had I wanted you to have that. Now I am talking about Mr D. you Now I feel light headed after a few bottles of reds with my family. I am so having faith to finish this post. Mr D, of all people in my life now, you are way on the top of my list! So spare me with your nonsense and embrace your bitch to make life beautiful for ya. All I really want you is have some faith. Not in any other things in life. But yourself! I shall not elaborate here. I know you would kill me. I still love you very much even you gonna chop me into pieces! Hahaha...

Oh my god, somehow I find even what I wrote is confusing now. Which is which? haha.. that is the whole point isn't it? Anyway, back to me. I don't know what could I even say, sometimes, when things build up so much in the inside, I just do not know how should I put in down in words. In many ways, I am complete with what my life is now, having Mr D and the big three, with all of you here, I know I should be content. But all I really wanna be tonight is indulge with the emotions with Kelly's voice and cry. Cry of happiness or loneliness, I seriously couldn't tell. I am kinda feeling the alcohol driving me light headed but sober at the same time. Honestly, I miss love and being love. Just overwhelm really with the love my family shared with me. I guess now my journey this side of my life is completed and I should be building a new one for another journey. To where? I do not know, but time will unfold itself. And while browsing facebook today, I saw this loving couple who are just sharing their love and it is really warmth to me. When many ask me when would I have this? I would just smile and say, I had it, and I know how beautiful it is~

Fall In Love Again And Again

2012-01-27T00:40:00.000+08:00

We came together underneath the stars above.
What started out as liking,
soon developed into love.
I sense a certain something that,
in my heart,
felt so true that I knew
I waited all my life
to fall in love with you.

To love me back is another story
But for that to happen is not important anymore.
To hold you is just wants
felt so right even where we are now.
But having you life is a gift
felt the sense of certainty of continue
To love you is a blessing
fell into the depths of gratitude to cross path.

We came together underneath the stars above.
What started out as acquittance,
soon developed into love.
I sense a certain something that,
in my heart,
felt so right just knowing you and the wellness with you.
I waited all my life
to fall in love with you again and again.

Inspiration

2012-01-26T22:45:00.000+08:00

Today was one of the day that some random small thing that make it magical. After a hard week sometimes out of no where a wonderful soul would just comes and touched you with the most simple words. Sometimes, I wonder what did I do? Honestly, this blog is like my online journal where I throw things out like nobody's business. I never thought of it would kinda make people dig into it. I know I sometimes gets too emo or being bitchy or even just being a bimbo on this blog. But randomly, I receive an email today from facebook.

A rare thing that I never expect. Saying that he digs into my blog and it sort of like inspire him or something. I was like two eyes pop out like popcorn. It was random and honestly we didn't know each other before this. But it meant so much to me honestly. Sometimes, I really treated this blog like throwing out whatever energy I have from time to time. But it has inspire people and became a faithful follower. And before this, I thought only random gossip lovers would dig into my blog. But today with the compliment given. It inspire me to even write more about the perceptions and what the life issue we are facing. Thank you - Lee Alvin. Your mail really meant a lot to me.

And also, to all my angels. You guys make all these happen to me. Giving me the chance to feel this. With all the love and care. With the acceptance. What I can be is grateful and thankful. Because of you guys, you made me realize about life and how much this fight meant to me. The pain that you guys shared with me, make me even wanna make this change possibles. St James Foundation is not possible at all without your support. Everyday is a turning page and a new chapter. I will be fighting on everyday side by side with you all. In health, in life, and whatever it is. I promise I will be standing beside you guys always. This is a beautiful year for me. Let us make it more magical and wonderful.

And also to Mr D, especially you. Remember, I will always be there for ya. Keep on fighting this fight till the end! I will never give up on you no matter how far or where I am. You know that yourself.

Every page is a beginning of a new story. This is our story.

Temptations

2012-01-26T18:04:00.001+08:00

We are bombarded with all the people around us. We live in a culture of insults, surrounded with people who are richer than us, have better sex than us.

- Gwyneth Paltrow

This is what we live in. Naturally somehow we are blinded. The society somehow has already made us this way. Many may not even see we were actually being hurt by this fact. In fact, yesterday one of my angel were talking to me. We had an honest talk about what the past has somehow runs us down. Sometimes when we are so blinded with all that is running around so wildly and freely. Many of us sometimes don't realize our words has the abilities to bring others down. Many are not mindful with our actions and speech. In fact, with just a little empathy, we would have made all these barbs into roses. But how many had done it this way?

It was heart breaking sometimes to see the people who we care and love being brought down by words. Common, get real people. Can anyone of you says you never made any mistakes in life? I have made tonnes of wrong decisions in life, wrong actions, and to certain extend sometimes I really broke my family's heart. But what matters really is not being judgemental and just show some empathy towards those we care and love. We would really make a little difference. No one is perfect in life. No one will be Glinda. Hahaha...

But somehow, all the imperfections just brings out the very best of a certain individual. I do see mistakes as a beautiful part in everyone's life. With the mistakes we make, we eventually will become a better person or the worst. I am not saying its all healthy about this. Yes, not many that will turn out to be on the good side. But what is also wrong with some dark side of human? Without the dark, we will never know what is the light right?

Sometimes, we just need to take a step back and see in a different view. Everything we are doing in life, we will always be surrounded with temptations. Those temptations yes is really irresistible. But it is not impossible to resist. Most of us, will indulge. But there are also those who manage to resist. But to be honest, those who are able to resist, they had their fair share of indulgence. (Sometimes more) Ok, I admit. I was a little over when I did indulge. But the fact is, when time comes, people grow older and we start to evaluate what are the things we want in life. Either way, there is never the right or the wrong thing. It is all perceptions. Like myself, whenever someone call me a bitch, I really do see it as a compliment. Even when I was younger, close friends calls me a slut. But what is wrong with that? We live our life. We decide on our own journey in life. Even with temptations, everyone has the right choice to do whatever they decide.

Turning back to myself, do I still wanna stay celibate? Answer is still YES. Its a challenge I have put myself on with. Its my quest to respect every individual as they are. Yes, I did not deny, temptations are there. Especially with all that surrounds me all the time. Yes I am still having the urge. But till now, successfully being celibate since Oct. How is the result treating me? Honest people that care for me as a friend, people who wants nothing but for your happiness filled my life. The whole circle of friends has changed. Everyone around me respected my decision and support me for what I see rightful for me, even some thinks its just nonsense. But yes, they still wants me to be happy as I am. I think this journey has given me a very good start. Hopefully soon, will I be having what I always wish for? Let the year unfold itself. I am waiting for every turning pages in life. Can't wait to see what will happen next.

Without You No.2

2012-01-26T14:16:00.001+08:00

A reflection whenever I listen to this song. It is somehow a beautiful memory.

But I think its best to stay as a memory. I sometimes wonder what does it meant to you the time I was still with you. I never felt I was worth anything. I am not complaining nor anything here. Just a past that came around recently. To go back to that time, I don't really think I wanna be back to that time.

The love was so insecure in many ways. It was kinda mixture. I felt like sometimes when you were near when no one was there with you. But when you have everything, I always feel alone. The loneliness was fearfully even you were lying next to me. It was very painful. But the credit will be given to you too. You made me felt love too. Just in another way. I know no one is perfect and I never want you to be. Maybe it will never be right for us to be together.

But talking in the future, this is something I will never able to say. Time change, people change. But it will be a path unknown. No point of finding out now. Let time unfold to itself. But all I wanna say is I am complete now and I am happy to be in my own way~ Sharing this song to have a closing chapter in my life.

A closing of a chapter and a new beginning of another.

I can't win, I can't reign

I will never win this game

Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,

I will never be the same

Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly

I will never make it by

Without you, without you

I can't rest, I can't fight

All I need is you and I,

Without you, without.... You

Can't erase, so I'll take blame

But I can't accept that we're

Estrange

Without you, without you

I can't quit now, this can't be right

I can't take one more sleepless night

Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb

If you're not here I'm paralyzed without you, without you

I can't look, I'm so blind

Lost my heart, I lost my mind without you without... You!

I am lost, I am vain,

I will never be the same

Without you, without you

Talk The Talk But Could I Walk The Walk?

2012-01-24T20:05:00.000+08:00

Lying on the bed the whole day. I was really thinking about the things I have said in the past. But sometimes, I believe many will agree with me that could we do what we encourage others or consoling them? I talk on a great honour but could I really take up that what I have said? I am not really sure.

Somehow being here doesn't help me at all. I know this is inevitable but what else can I do? The negativity is flowing through me and I am helpless. The more I stay the more my thoughts runs wildly. Back to the topic, somehow an honest answer NO, I can't do it at this moment. Sometimes, I felt I am trying so hard to let them in. Yes I felt better with the support and encouragement. But the burden flows in. I will always still the the burden. At points, I really feel like just do what I do best. - Disappear.

Yes many of you after reading this will even hate me even more. But it is just an honest confession. I really wish I never needed to do this. In many ways, I felt guilty. Guilty of keep pushing a friend that needed is a little care and love. I know that the society issue is something that needed time and education to change. But I have been harsh. I was being inconsiderate.The intention of it wasn't bad. But I didn't really stand in his shoes to say anything. I stood at my own point of view. I officiate my apology publicly here. I wasn't thinking on your stressed that you were facing. I didn't really felt your pain. But I wanted you to know I didn't meant any harm.

With now on my own, where my road will lead? Honestly, I do not know. I am now at a cross road. And I can't decide. Yet decision is to be made. The only question left was when will it be? I don't know. Time will tell. I really am embarrassed with what my actions were. I talk a great talk of acceptance. But I couldn't accept the fact myself. I know, life goes on.

For now, all I prayed for is your wellness. Still waiting for Batman's mail to come. I really wish there is something could do to make this different for. As of myself, decision will be left hanging for the time being. Drained myself out from Kelly's all 5 albums. Looking back at the journey from beginning till this very moment.

But glad somehow I could get things off my mind for a little while. Waiting for my second shot at the moment, trying to let all negativity out. Deep down I always know the only thing I wanted is being well. Living on is a promise. Giving in is unacceptable. I will just have to hold on there till the world begins at the very end. I know I am being loved and cared for. But some what still afraid of the unknown.

And today on facebook. people are starting to post on valentines day. The one I really fear for. Going into the third year, will I able to overcome it this year? I don't know. I tried last year but failed. I do not know will I even wanna try this year. Lets keep the option open shall we? For now, I am still feeling the failure of giving hope. A hope when I myself wasn't able to do it myself. Maybe after my rest I will be alright. Lets see how it goes. Heading off to bed again soon. Maybe I am purely tired.

Dreams

2012-01-24T09:40:00.000+08:00

For the past few days, the only thing I was doing repeatedly was sleeping. I somehow realize I miss sleeping so much. For only one reason. - Dream.

I somehow find dreaming kinda exciting. Things that you are not able to do in real life, you can seems to do in dreams. Tend to be in control over the crazy things. When you dream about something, some place or someone you dislike, you can make it change. Change the place, change the person into something else. It's like being your own director in your own movie. How fun can that be? Awesome isn't it!!!

The one I really think which is extremely funny dream was days ago. Because we were all boys in the family, I dreamed about mommy was preggers. And she given birth to this beautiful baby alien girl! She looks normal like every kid. Not like big head or blue or something. Just that she would grow from an infant to a 2 year old kid in just hours. Want makes it more funny was she was extremely bossy! I thought I was a bitch. But she was even a bigger one compare to me. And the freaky part was, she has an assistant. It was my son - Geneboy (My Pincher) and he walks with his two hind legs and was bossing around with her! I wish I could remember the conversation. Because I laugh till I actually woke up and people look at me at this very weird face.

But there are also dreams that I couldn't control at all. I was actually writing a post about it earlier last night. But somehow I got too emotional and delete it. How stupid right? So it teaches me one little lesson never write when you are irritated or not in a good mood. Somehow I am fearing of losing someone who I care. I was furious about how the society actually see and having perceptions about public illness. I realize yesterday the damage has gone way beyond what I can manage to fix it in one life time. The aftermath of it. Somehow those that suffer from all this social illness even see themselves as a threat and a problem.

Honestly, I was sadden by it. Not just because only the person I cared for reacts this way. But the cause was way damaged. I was naive enough thought I would bring warmth and security to them. But the fact was no matter how hard we try sometimes, I tend to forget how bad they were scared! And scar stays. But no matter how bad the fact is, I will not give up! I need a plan. Education is the most important thing now. Educating the public to understand what are the risk and what are the ways all this could possibly be.

To the person I meant to be. You know I am talking about you here. I really never see you in that eyes. I know the risk and understand the pain you are going though. But you have to start letting yourself see yourself in another way. Yes you are sick now, but you are denying yourself a normal life. For those that understands in an out of the risk and how does it works, I know how lonely you are at times. When you say you couldn't take that overwhelming emotions that everyone is happy, because you look at yourself differently. You really need to see you are not different than us. Just that you have an extra thing to take care of at the moment to be well in the future. There isn't just 20 years for you. There will be 30,40 and many to come.I know you do. But you gotta stop denying yourself that. I really did see you for only you and nothing else. To those who really cares and love you, it is really painful for us to see you this way. I know we will never understand how you are feeling but you need to give us that chance. I am asking for you to give yourself that chance. I said it earlier, I will try to stand in your shoe. But you kept pushing everyone away. Think about it.We just wanted you to be around to share life with us. But do you wanna share yours? It is your call. I am not going to force you. But I will stand here to wait for you to decide. But I will never gonna give up on this fight for you. Because to me, you are worth it. You too have your dreams. I really want you to see you are able to do so. There is nothing to lose. Dream the dream and live the dream. You know you can always count on me to be by your side without judgement, without pretence and without giving up on you. And yes, you didn't ask me to do this. I want it myself.

Aftermath

2012-01-23T22:37:00.000+08:00

I look back at this blog, I realize somehow I made it like an open journal of mine. But who really cares right?

I am not trying to give an attitude here but somehow I saw the aftermath have given to those who needed. I am not complaining here, but just I am very sad to know that it's the truth. Many of us are really fighting out there for those who needed. But its somehow just bad I see the aftermath. It was painful to know the truth.

There is no blame at all here. It was just painful to know the person you love and care is still seeing from that point of view. How can I make you feel safe? How can I make this change for you or even those who needed this? I find the perception on the society has soiled so deep in them they think its a sickness. And I believe they do see that it's a burden too.

I am sad, but I won't give up this fight. It is more severe than I think. I will do every single thing I can to change this. I am putting all this to a stop. You been inspiring to me. So I am so going to fight this to the very end. And NO I AM NOT GIVING UP THIS FIGHT!

No matter how bad the aftermath would be, no matter how much you think about it, Nothing is going to change! Until you really see you are deserving. Deserved of being love, deserved of being held, deserved of being cared for. Others may judge you. But I don't. Cause I understand it in and out. I know what to do and what not to. Because of love, I will be the first to take the arrow if anyone even try to hurt you. NO ONE will have say on anything unless they really understand what you are facing and knows your pain. I told myself long time ago, there will be no more tears. This year will be a great start of your journey. I would be the protector to make sure you will only be filled with care and love. You are my angel, let me be yours.

Wonderful Wicked Birthday Celebration 2012

2012-01-23T22:36:00.000+08:00

I know this is a little late for the post. I have been a little preoccupied with the recent things I have been working on. But this year's birthday is just pure wicked and beautiful.

Thankful to a bunch of wonderful people in my life. I faced what I have feared all this while. Thank you very much. Special thanks to Nell for coming as well despite the busy schedule you are having at the moment. You were the diamond to the whole celebration.

To Garend and Mr D, thank you for that special cake. It was the most emotional part. I am glad you guys done that. It was one of the awesomess thing. The cake was extremely sinful not forgetting to mention.

Mr D, Nell, Cornflakes, Garend, Michael. You guys made it magical for me. It was a great celebration! Thank you so much! I will summarise this celebration with 3 words, Camwhore, Wicked, and Love!

Who are the ones who cam whore, I admit its me. And as of the others. I let you guys have a say on that.

Foot Prints In The Sand.

2012-01-23T22:35:00.000+08:00

This song somehow brings the best and the worst within me. I still remember vividly how and what was I in listening to this song 22 months ago. I somehow still feel a little sting but I guess time really heals. Lets us not go back to the past. Listening to this song over and over again made me realize this is still the best one dedicate to you. Word by word, it showed this was the only one I can say how I feel.

I know in many ways, I am feeling all the little pain from my body but deep down, your voice echo, telling me it will be alright. Holding me close to you. Feeling all the warmth in life you shared. I know you are feeling emotional tonight. But somehow happy manage to make you smile a little. Seems a lot of people are not in the very good mood today. Andrew, Mr D, Arianne and many more seems kinda shaky. Maybe is some astrology thingy going on. But anyway, I wanna share my love towards these beautiful important people in my life. I really wish all of you are able to go through things smoothly and able to put on that smile.

Mr D, without you these few days, I will not have the courage to talk about this. Again, you showed me the way which makes me wanna be better.Even you were busy and so on, but you never fail to be there.

Cornflakes too, you stay close on my updates, always the first one to know where I am and wanting to make sure I am well and so on. Honestly, you guys completes me. Really, I am more than thankful to have all of you here to make me better.

Speaking of which, I somehow just feel even with all of the changes in life now, I mean I am blessed with great friends, we accepted each other for who we are. No pretense, no lies, nothing to hide. And I am being loved by all of you so much. I am also facing the fact that all had been the past has turn into memories. I thank you all for making me possible.The picture now is not just about loving one person in life. But to look at a different perspective. I have been taught though time to be this. I am grateful to it. Even now, I know the heart belongs to a person in life. But I am complete. I am happy. Nothing more I need to do to make things complicated. I know I will be there for that person and vice versa. I am happy as I am. Asking me to want more? I would be lying if I say it never cross my mind. But somehow I choose it to be this way. I had made a choice months ago and I am following my heart. That is all it matters now.

Etta James - You Will Be Missed.

2012-01-21T09:13:00.000+08:00

Early in the wee hours at the other side of the world, news flows as the legendary Etta James has passed on.
This is my tribute to a legend who change the love of mine to music. Your earthly voice and undyingly spirit of giving beautiful tunes. You will be missed. Rest in peace.

Your voice live on with us.

Outlaws Of Love No 2.

2012-01-20T13:35:00.000+08:00

You get mercy when you give mercy. You receive judgement when you leash out judgement. "Judge not, lest ye be judged". I am saddened by the hatred, prejudice and religiosity of current Pharisses who claim to speak in behalf of God. "LOVE ONE ANOTHER"! Prejudice, racism and homophobia are all wrought out of fear and ignorance. The "Cast out all fear" "Perfect love casts out ALL fear". We should be in the mist to minister love, not hatred!

HATE = MURDER! Those who hate in their heart are just as guilty as those who kill! Can we stop the madness and respect life and one another? Some may read this and spew ugly words to me but I say, Who Are You To Judge Me or Anyone Else? Yes, I am homosexual but I am also human and will stand up for anyone who believe in love.

The are shared among friends, between lovers, with family.

But why the world still out cast us? Why are we still outlaws. There is nothing to do with the government. This is pure ignorance. I have lost friends who are being outcast because of this. The society murdered him. No one will able to stand up and change my mind. I know what am I doing. I know what will I have to do to make things right. I know who to be with. I know what to do to protect myself so I would give more love to the ones I love. No one will ever judge me for that.

I am being irritated with all the negativity around me. I am going though a tough time myself. But I know with just a little more effort, I can make things right. I am a colon CA patient. So what is wrong with that? I know who are the ones standing with me.

Those who are friends, they kept you in their hearts. Not putting you aside and forget you. I have given too many excuses believing that I am still someone. Years ago someone important in my life told me that this is not how friends treated friends. But I ignore that fact. I still put you here as someone I love and care. But you prove me all wrong. But needless to say, I am blessed with so many beautiful people in life now. I am complete. I am loved.

Listening repeatedly on my iPod "Outlaw of Love" The rage in me anguished. The fear in me gone. As I am speaking now, I know I will never be alone fighting this battle. To a special angel in my life, even you are facing much more than I do, you never fail to be there to hold me. The pain I am only having is to know that I am limited to do what you can do. I wish I would trade places with you sometimes. To know you are in a better state.

If anyone who is reading this. As an outlaw myself, no matter you are gay, lesbian or transsexual or straight. Do remember out there, there are so many who are begging for a chance. Please do not deny them. I can't do this alone. Stop all ignorance and start giving them that chance. It hurts me so much that many have even tried or had killed themselves. Lets us not lose more people in our life. Don't fear, love should not be build base of fear. I am fighting a lonesome battle. I really do hope more that would join me to give those who really needed another chance in life. Because of the society today, they felt fear, they felt outcast, they felt being not deserving. They felt the don't deserve love. They felt burden. Please do not push them away any more.

The Gift Of Love

2012-01-20T04:04:00.001+08:00

Today was one of the day when you were just overwhelm with love and care when we start giving it to those that really need it. I am at a point where I don't regret at all establishing St James Foundation. Since the moment we plan for our very first giving back event in KL. The responses and the people who participate made it even much more special. I am glad to have all this beautiful souls around me that made it happen.

First, I wanna thank Garend for helping to arrange everything. Without you this is not even possible. Thank you so much for making our first step possible. All the hard work put into . Your actions speaks louder than words. I am grateful to have you on board to make this possible and running the foundation for me. Thank you.

Upon arriving at the hospital, it was hilarious. Me, Nell, and Paul were actually lost. We have walked the whole compound of the hospital. But it was a very good work out. On our way, we were join by Cornflakes. We were all excited despite the jam we were in earlier on and the waiting time. But once we were there, Staff nurse Rozie greeted us at the entrance of the paediatric ward. We were lead to the first floor where the Oncology ward is located.

At that moment, honestly, I hate the fact of being in the ward again. But as usual, Cornflakes was there for me to calm me by cam whoring with me. It was such a great experience.until now I am still overwhelm with the joy that I had at this hour.

When we reach the ward, we waited for the ward Sister (Head Of Nurse) to come. We were told to have our hands cleaned. It was kinda funny as the staff nurse have to teach us one by one. Moments later we were join by Sister (Sr) Sakinah. She brief us though the things we should and should not do. And as usual, group photo with the staff!

At first it was just five of us there at the ward. Jeffrey and Michael join in later as they just finished work and were stuck in the jam. But I am very glad that all of them came. There were a total of 37 kids at the ward. But the ones that we are able to interact with are 27. In many ways, we did our best to cover all the kids. For myself, I only manage to talk to 5 kids personally and had a chat with their parents. Honestly the smile at those young little souls kinda make me wanna even be strong to fight this with them. At points, I wish I had their courage and strength to go though what they were going though. Some of the kids just came out from chemotherapy. But you know what, non of them shows any sign that they were in pain. All of them put on that smile and it was kinda a slap to me. Anyhow this post is not about me. I guess that pictures are worth a million words. These were what we were doing with them. Playing and talking to them. And in return, just that little smile they give. Deep down all of us know it's worth doing this again.

There is one particular kid who got my heart. Nadia. A 15 year old who was bed ridden. She is having her PMR but yet she misses her friends back at school I promise her I am bringing her to go aquaria KLCC. She was my special kid. I gave a a cactus. And hope she would have something to look forward to. I am definitely going back to see them next month. And I hope more people would join me to give back love. I wish everyone would start taking the first step to make this change. Let us share some love to these beautiful kids. I really misses Nadia and I wanted to go back and see her. I really wish more people would join us to make a difference. This world would really need some love to those who really wanted it. Let us do what we can while we still can. They really need us.

Giving Back Love and Care

2012-01-19T16:59:00.003+08:00

I am so excited now and pumped up with energy.
This is St James Foundation first event in Malaysia. We are starting off with a small group of people to spend one hour with the kids at Hospital Kuala Lumpur Paediatric Oncology Ward. No monetary donation is allow. We strongly believe it is not ok just to give money. We believe in the personal touch. I am so happy that with us such a small group of people wanted to spend time with the kids. There will be 40 of them. Its just an hour plus away and we are now drawing nearer to our first ever event in KL.

I can't wait to be there and spend some time with them. This is one of the most amazing moment I am anticipating for. Come join me. From 6-7pm at Hospital Kuala Lumpur. If anyone is interested, please do contact the following person in charge below. You can find us on our facebook page too. I can't wait to make this a success. Our very first step to a long journey.

Giving back to the Pediatric Oncology Ward in Hospital Kuala Lumpur
Public Event · By St James Foundation

We represent the St James Foundation and currently planning a visit to the HKL (Hospital Kuala Lumpur) Pediatric Oncology Ward to spread some love and joy to the Kids there. Please do come and join us to give back to the Society. We want you to be there, to get your hand dirty, to reach out to these kids, and show them there is a bright future for them, and above all, to show them there are people out there who care for them.

Garend Chin - +6012 6101059
Eric Hah - +6016 2792906

Fear No.1

2012-01-19T02:21:00.003+08:00

This word did seems kinda scary at times. That is why it is called fear. In many ways, everyone lives in fear. No matter how much they wanna deny it. We still live with it. But what do fear really brings to us and how it affects us in life. I know mine did a great job till all are dead worried about me.

In many ways, I always fear of losing. Losing the people I care and love, losing the thing or person that means most to me. I kinda grew up with it but I still fear. But after being given a pep talk by Mr D. Today, I know that running away from it won't help me much.

Honestly, I asked myself this. What more do I fear? Having a total change in life, a change in my circle of friends, a change in my future doings, and a change in my life style. I literally shouldn't be afraid anymore. Starting off last year when I met my angel Andrew again. After kicking the habit and so on. Everything has change tremendously. I group of friends who wants nothing outta me but the best of my wellness. Those who truly love me for Who I am. Expected nothing but the best of my life and wanted me to be happy.

Seeing on how they put in that much effort to celebrate my birthday in Singapore with me. Yes, of all places. But they were supportive and them were giving me all the reason to stand strong facing my fears. Mr D, he was the most forgiving and accepting person I have ever come across. Even at points where I am down and low, even with everything he is facing in life, he never even show a single point to be weak. From courage to supportive. I am literally filled with love and so much care in life. But what do io fear?

A past.

Sometimes, a past are meant to be a past. But some of us, like myself, live in it in a way. Not about the painful stuff or how me being mistreated in life by those who never really cherish me for who I am, but to those that really cared for and loving me. Somehow I was still punishing myself. I would never really face all this if Mr D didn't talk bout this. Yes I was still running away. But for me to move forward, to have a real life with someone I love and care, I have to forgive myself for all the stupid and childish things io have done. In what Andrew did tell me before. Who doesn't do mistakes? Who doesn't done wrong in life? What matters is how we are planning to move forward in life from here.

Fears is always a living part of all of us. And now, after that long talk, I guess the only way for me to able to move on is facing it. But one step at a time. At least I know I am trying hard to make this change for my future and for the better. I take this post as a promise to myself. Make this change. And without all of the beautiful souls I have in life now, I will never be this man I have become.

Signing off good night with a grateful gratitude

Ricky.

Ric's Memoirs

Just A Dream

The Lily and I

Straberries Heart Shape Bites For The Love Ones

Valentine's Day

Love At The End Of A Beginning

Grammys 2012: Adele's '21' wins album of the year

Rest In Music - Whitney Houston

Dark Realms

Hometown Glory

Helpless

Crying Is Beautiful

Love That Shine Inside

Blank Empty Moments.

Make You Feel My Love

String Of Crazy Events.

Poem For You

Randomness Positivity

Angels Are Always Watching Over Me.

Look At Me

The One And Only

Music Is My Sanctuary

Courage To Love

Just Me And You

Smiling Back In Love

Valentine's Day

Love Has No Regrets

Life Is Just Simple

Judgement

The Island

Tribute To Eric James Borges. RIP

More...

Stereotype - Sex Sells

Social Network

Bizarre Dream

Malaysia Airlines Links Up To Global Explorer Round-The-World Fare

Keeping the faith: Airbus A330 and Boeing 777 remain popular

© Boeing

The GE90-115 powered 777 versions now account for all orders and most deliveries

© Airbus

From the Billboards To The Grammys

Details in The Fabric

Blocked Out Of The Heart

My Feeling - Your Thought

A Wish

My Religion - Love

Borders

Is Hope Lost?

Blessed & Filled With Love

Fall In Love Again And Again

Inspiration

Temptations

Without You No.2

Talk The Talk But Could I Walk The Walk?

Dreams

Aftermath

Wonderful Wicked Birthday Celebration 2012

Foot Prints In The Sand.

Etta James - You Will Be Missed.

Outlaws Of Love No 2.

The Gift Of Love

Giving Back Love and Care

Fear No.1