The Fives - Part 1

I like to believe that love is a reciprocal thing, that it can't really be felt, truly, by one.

 – Sean Penn


Loving you- Part 006 : December 4th 2014

I love you.

A simple question, "How many have you loved?" Is your answer, one and only? Or is it several, all of whom have shaped your life? I read this on someone I really cared of in life. And I guess it is really something interesting I wanna write about. 

There are 5 of these amazing people that I came across in life that shaped me for who I am today. It doesn't have to be only that kinda romantic love but all kinds of love that we can relate to. When the question how many that I have love before is being put out, I can say I love 5 people before "you". And they were Who, What, When, Where and Why. And this is the story of my love for them. 

Who I love, was a girl from college. I wasn't really close to her at first. With some superficial facts, and a few actions over the semester, like most guys fantasizing over a girl they barely know. I fill in the blanks like a fairy tale author. And who she became in my head was probably more than the reality. Several time when we get to spend time outside of class, really allows me to see she has a good heart and a bright spirit. I didn't really tell her how I really felt until this very day. The only problem is, sorta just about every other guy. There were times where the cliche girl I knew, may have felt something for the typical crazy awkward music freak that who I was. 

What I love, was an old friend. But she was much more than just a friend. We met in music school when we were just 3, and in touch in the years after. We saw each other grow, and change, and through multiple relationships. (3 for me, and 2 for her.) I saw different boys and girlfriends come and go. She was also there for all of the girlfriend and boyfriend, and break up of mine. Personality, humor, taste, it was all there. Her and I were almost perfect. The only thing wasn't perfect was timing. We were never single at the same time, and when we were, we kinda accepted our orientation fully. What we love about each other, it was never enough to leave who we were with. This is actually something we have to face and accept. And we have to leave behind What we had.

When I love, was the first boyfriend I love when I first came back from the States. It's a bit unfair because he embodies the combination of both love and youth. Feeling of young love is unique and impossible to replicate. Because we can only be that age once. It was a time of innocents, discovery and adventure. We share these 3 elements together and things like our first kiss, late night sneaking out, and early movies where not many people were in the cinema. All of which now have become a nostalgic love. Preserve in a time that neither one of us can touch, but always know it's there. Even though we were young, there is not in a doubt in my mind that When we were there, we were in love. 

Where I love, was a man I was with in Singapore. I never intended to stay or go there that long. It was just a stint that I left KL to live with him there, cause I just somehow came back home from New Zealand. But it all change when I met him. Soon, 6 months had past, and somehow another 6 months after that. I couldn't leave the city. I couldn't leave him. Maybe it was my desire to want things more. Or prove to everyone at home that I could be something more. But he helped me accomplished it over there. With the relationship reflective of the city we were in. A new energy, new experiences that push me to mature more than anyone or anywhere else. When people ask me what city I love the most, I say.. Singapore. The city Where I love the most. 

Why I love is a close friend & family of mine that past away. He told me after he was diagnose that death wasn't what that sadden him the most. The fact that he, felt like he never really fallen in love. He wouldn't get to have those emotions. Good and bad. Of being hurt, and of being held. After he passed, there were words stuck with me the most. Teaching me to see that one of the greatest gifts of being alive is the ability to give and receive and even lose love. There are so many like him I met through the years after my own diagnosis. Whose lives before having any of those experiences. What a waste if you don't  strive to love in our lives. He made me understand why. Why waste this life not loving. 

"You" were the sixth. Which one of the above were you? You were non of them, because you are all of them. You are Who I love, the man on the pedestal, the fantasy, the made believe thing that are actually true. You are What I love, the depth, the inside jokes, the best friend. You areWhen I love, a new history being started with you. We are the young lovers of the older selves that someday reminisce about. You are Where I love,  because I will go anywhere just to be with you. You are Why I love. Because before you, I didn't truly understand I was looking for. Now that we found each other, you have given my past, & future meaning. You are the sixth and I do want you to be my last.