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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Searching For A Meaningful Life

It is extremely important that we make an effort to lead a spiritual life while, as human beings, we have the opportunity to pursue inner methods that bring peace of mind.

It is common experience that happiness does not arise from external factors alone. If we check carefully into our own daily lives, we will easily see that this is true. In addition to external factors, there are also inner factors that come into play to establish happiness within us.

If external development were all it took to produce lasting peace within us, then those who were rich in material possessions would have more peace and happiness while those who were poor would have less. But life is not always like this. There are many happy people with few riches and many wealthy people who are very unhappy.

In India, for example, there are many pandits, highly realized yogis and even simple Dharma practitioners who live humble lives but have great peace of mind. The more they have renounced the unsubdued mind, the greater is their peace; the more they have renounced self-cherishing, anger, ignorance, attachment and so forth, the greater is their happiness.

Great masters such as the Indian pandit Naropa and the Tibetan yogi Jetsun Milarepa owned nothing yet had incredible peace of mind. They were able to renounce the unsubdued mind, the source of all problems, and thus transcended all suffering. By actualizing the path to enlightenment they achieved a superior happiness. Thus, even though they often had to go days without food—the great yogi Milarepa lived for years in a cave subsisting only on wild nettles—they rank among the happiest people on Earth. Because they abandoned the three poisonous minds of ignorance, attachment and anger, their peace and happiness was indeed great. The more they renounced the unsubdued mind, the greater was their peace.

If happiness depended on only material development, rich countries such as America would be very happy places. Many people try to follow the American way of life, thinking it will bring them happiness, but personally, I find greater peace in more spiritually-minded countries such as India and Nepal. These are much happier countries, more peaceful for the mind. When I return to India after traveling in the West, it’s like coming home. There are so many differences. India is actually a very spiritual country and this makes a great difference to the mind.

When you look at materialistic societies and the way people live, your own mind gets disturbed. The people there are increasingly busy, and new and different problems continually arise; they’re tense and nervous and have no time to relax. In India, you see people relaxing all over the place, but in the West, you pick up the vibration of the population’s agitated minds and finish up feeling nervous yourself. If happiness depended solely on external development, countries like Switzerland and America would be the most peaceful places on Earth, with less quarreling, fighting and violence, but they’re not like that.

This proves that there is something lacking in the way the West seeks happiness. Materially, developed countries may be on top of the world but many problems continue to destroy their peace and happiness. What is missing? It is inner development; external development is pursued to the exclusion of inner development, development of the mind. It’s a huge mistake to focus solely on material progress while ignoring development of the mind, the good heart. This is the world’s greatest mistake.

In itself, material progress is not bad and is to be encouraged, but inner development is much more important. You can’t even compare the two—inner development is a trillion times more effective than external development in producing lasting happiness. You’ll find neither peace nor happiness if you neglect to develop the mind. The good heart brings peace of mind. By all means, develop the material world, but at the same time, develop the mind. If you compare the peace of mind gained through material things to that generated by the good heart—by compassion, love, patience, and the elimination of the violent, unsubdued mind—the superior value of the latter is overwhelming.

Patience vs. anger

Even if you owned a pile of diamonds the size of this Earth, the peace you’d get from that would be minimal and could never compare with that afforded by inner development. No matter how many jewels you own, you’re still beset by mental problems such as anger, attachment and so forth. If somebody insults you, for example, you immediately get angry and start to think of ways to harm, insult or hurt that person.

If you are a person of inner development, you react quite differently. You think, “How would I feel if he got angry with me, insulted me and hurt my mind? I’d be really upset and unhappy. Therefore, I shouldn’t be negative towards him. If I get angry and insult him, he’ll get terribly upset and unhappy, just as I would in the same situation. How can I do that to him?” This is the way you should think; this is the way of inner development, the true path to peace.

When my friend says or does something to me that I dislike and discomfort and anger start to grow in my mind, I may want to retaliate by saying something hurtful. But instead, I should gather my awareness, be skillful and brave, and think, “How can I be angry with my friend? How can I say painful things to her? How can I bring her harm? If she got violent with me, how unhappy I would be, how it would disturb my mind, how it would hurt me. Therefore, to harm this friend who, just like me, wants happiness and does not want suffering, would be most shameful. What kind of person would I be if I acted like that?”

When you think like that, your anger, which at first seems to be as solid as stone, disappears like a popped water bubble. At first it seems that there’s no way you can change your mind, but when you use the right method, when you meditate like this, your anger vanishes, just like that. You don’t see the point of getting angry.

When you practice patience, you try not to let your anger arise; you try to remember how it disturbs your mind, destroys your happiness, disturbs others’ minds and happiness, and doesn’t help at all. As you practice patience, your face becomes beautiful. Anger makes you really ugly. When anger enters a beautiful face, no amount of make-up can hide the complete ugliness that manifests. You can see anger in people’s faces; you can recognize it. You become afraid of anger just by looking at the terrifying face of an angry person. That is the reflection of anger. It’s a very bad vibration to give off. It makes everybody unhappy.

The real practice of Dharma, the real meditation, is never to harm others. This protects both your own peace of mind and that of other beings. This is true religious practice; it brings benefit to both yourself and others. Practicing patience in this way even once is worth more than any amount of diamonds. What kind of inner peace can you derive from diamonds? All you do is run the risk of being killed for them. The value of the good heart is beyond compare with that of any material possession.

Since we want only happiness and no suffering, it is extremely important for us to practice Dharma. Dharma is not chanting, doing rituals or wearing uniforms; it’s developing the mind, the inner factor. We have many different inner factors: negative ones, such as the unsubdued mind, ignorance, delusions and so forth; and positive ones, such as love, compassion, wisdom and the like. Dharma practice is the destruction of our negative mental factors and the cultivation of our positive ones.

Linguistically, the word “dharma” means “existent phenomenon,” but when we say, “the practice of Dharma,” or “holy Dharma,” it means that which protects us from suffering. That is the meaning of the holy Dharma; that is the Dharma we should practice.

There are many different levels of suffering from which we require protection. Dharma is like a rope thrown to somebody about to fall over a precipice. It protects and holds us from falling into the realms of suffering—the worlds of the hell beings, hungry ghosts and animals.

A second level of suffering from which the holy Dharma protects us is that of the entirety of samsaric suffering—that of all six realms—and its cause: the disturbing negative minds and the karma they cause us to create.

Finally, the holy Dharma also protects us from the self-cherishing thought and the subtle obscurations that prevent us from attaining enlightenment, the state of buddhahood—the highest sublime happiness. As long as the self-cherishing thought remains in our mind there’s no way we can achieve buddhahood; the path to sublime happiness is blocked. Self-cherishing is the greatest hindrance to happiness and enlightenment. If we practice Dharma, we’ll find protection from the disturbances that the self-cherishing thought creates and will quickly receive enlightenment.

Death is followed by the intermediate state, after which we take rebirth in one of the six realms. Rebirth, life, death, intermediate state, rebirth again: we constantly circle on this wheel of life, repeatedly experiencing confusion and suffering because of impure conceptions and views. When we practice Dharma, we’re guided and protected from the impure conceptions and views that constantly keep us bound to samsaric suffering. Dharma practice helps us at many levels.

Identifying the problem

The problem is that our body and mind are in the nature of suffering; they are not beyond suffering. This is the whole problem. As a result, we are constantly busy. Why is our body in the nature of suffering? It’s because our mind is in the nature of suffering; our mind is not liberated from suffering because it is not liberated from the unsubdued minds of ignorance, attachment, anger and their actions, karma. Therefore, its nature is one of suffering. Thus, in turn, our body suffers.

Without choice, our body is subject to the sufferings of heat, cold, hunger, thirst, birth, old age, sickness and so forth. We don’t have to seek out these sufferings; they come to us naturally and we have to experience them. All this is because we have not liberated our mind from suffering. Our country is not samsara; our city is not samsara; our family is not samsara—samsara is the body and mind that are in the nature of suffering; the body and mind that constantly make us worry and keep us busy. Samsara is the body and mind that are bound by the delusion and karma.

Samsara is a cycle, a wheel. Its function is to circle. How does it circle? Our aggregates—our body and mind—continue from this life into the next; they connect our past life to this one and this life to the future one. They always continue, always join one life to the next. They create an ongoing circle; like the wheels of a bicycle, they always take us to different places. We are the subject who circles, like the person who rides the bike. Our self is like that. We circle on and on, from life to life, taking rebirth in accordance with how we have lived our life, the karma we have created and our general state of mind. Dependent upon these factors, we take rebirth as an animal, a human, a god, a hell being and so forth. Our aggregates carry us like a horse carries a rider.

The problem is that from beginningless time throughout all our previous lifetimes we did not do the work necessary to liberate our mind from the unsubdued minds and karma. Therefore, our mind and body are still in the nature of suffering; we’re still experiencing the same problems over and over again. Had we liberated ourselves from the unsubdued minds and karma we would never have to suffer again; it would be impossible. Once we’re free from samsaric suffering, from the bondage of karma and the unsubdued mind, we can never suffer again; no cause remains for us to experience further suffering. If we’d liberated ourselves before, there’d be no reason for us to suffer now; our mind and body would not be in the nature of suffering.

If we didn’t have a samsaric body, we wouldn’t need a house, clothing, food or other temporal needs. There’d be no need to worry, make preparations, collect many possessions, chase money, have hundreds of different clothes to wear in the different seasons, have hundreds of shoes, make business and so forth. We’d have none of these problems. But we do have a samsaric body, therefore our entire life, from rebirth to death, is kept busy taking care of it.

If you do not think of the evolution of samsara, you will not know how to sever its root.

For example, let’s say there’s a person who is always sick because he eats the wrong food. As long as he doesn’t recognize the mistake in his diet, the cause of his sickness, he will continue to be sick no matter how much medicine he takes. Similarly, if we don’t understand the evolutionary patterns of samsara, there’ll be no way for us to receive the peace of nirvana that we seek. To do this, we must cut the root of samsara; to do that, we must know the correct methods; to know the methods, we must recognize what causes us to be bound to samsara. By realizing what binds us to samsara, we can generate aversion for and renunciation of the causes of samsaric existence.

To understand the evolution of samsara we must understand the twelve links of interdependent origination, or dependent arising, that clearly explain how we circle in samsara. How did our present samsara—these aggregates in the nature of suffering—come into being? In a past life, out of ignorance, we accumulated the karma to be born in this human body. A split second before our previous life’s death, craving and grasping—not wanting to leave the body, not wanting to separate from that life—arose. We were then born in the intermediate state, and after that our consciousness entered our mother’s womb. The resultant embryo grew and our senses gradually developed. Then contact and responsive feelings came into existence. Now our rebirth has occurred, we are aging, and all that remains for us to experience is death.

In this life there is no peace, from the time we are born until we die. We continually go through much suffering as human beings: the pain of birth; dissatisfaction with our situation; undesirable experiences; worries; fear of separation from desirable objects, friends, relatives, and possessions; sickness; old age and death. All these problems come from karma, and karma comes from ignorance. Therefore, the one root of samsara is ignorance, the ignorance of mistaking the nature of “I,” the self, which is empty of true existence—although our “I” is empty of true existence, we completely believe that it is truly existent, as we project. By totally eradicating this ignorance, we put a final end to our beginningless suffering and attain nirvana.

The path that repays the kindness of all sentient beings

In order to do this, we must follow a true path. However, it is not enough that we ourselves attain nirvana because that benefits only one person. There are numberless sentient beings, all of whom have been our mother, father, sister and brother in our infinite previous lives. There is not one single sentient being who has not been kind to us in one life or another. Even in this life, much of our happiness is received in dependence upon the kindness of others, not only humans—many animals work hard and suffer for our happiness; many die or are killed for us. For example, in order to produce rice in a field, many people work and suffer under the sun, many creatures are killed and so forth. The happiness of each day of our life completely depends on the kindness of other sentient beings.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

NATCOMP 2012 Regional (North2) Championship

On the 19th of June 2012. One of the most anticipated regional competition of the National Marching Band Competition - NATCOMP 2012 in Kedah. Kedah state is one of the states in Malaysia that are constantly producing champions in marching band that shine not only locally but also at the international arena.

Since 2009, the national championship trophy stayed with the state. Not only one but two titans reside in this state. SMJK Keat Hwa and SMK Sultanah Asma, lead by the champion maker, Mr Tang Chia Hoe.

In 2011, we witness the revolution of Marching Show Bands by SMK Sultanah Asma also known as SASBand with their winning performance theme - Mulan. They also secure the world title in 2011 beating international teams all around the world. At the World Marching Show Band Competition, their performance lead them to secure not only First Placing, they also won the best hornline, Gold with Honors Award and best visual effect awards.


Top Five Finalists
  1. World Champion - Sultanah Asma, Malaysia - 94.2
  2. Suphanburi Marching Band, Thailand - 91.7
  3. Chein-Kuo High School Marching Band, Taiwan - 90.6
  4. Marching Band Gita Surosowan, Indonesia - 90.1
  5. Victoria Institution, Malaysia - 89.9

And this year, it keeps getting better and better. SMJK Keat Hwa aka KHMB showcase thier great performance theme - Spain.

A total of 6 teams competing in this leg of the competition. But KHMB outshine all with their performance The 12 min show was out of the world. They secure 82.7 points in division one topped up all teams at the moment followed by St John, KL. With two more regional coming up, we are near to the finals of the competition which will be held on the 7th July 2012 in Kuala Terrenganu.

As posted on the official Facebook page on Natcomp 2012, these are the results for this leg of the competition.

NATCOMP North Zone 2. 19 Jun 2012, Alor Setar, Kedah

Division 1
First Place: SMK KEAT HWA - Gold Award
Second Place: KOLEJ SULTAN ABDUL HAMID - Gold Award

Division 2
First Place: SMK PERLIS - Bronze Award
Second Place: SMK DERMA, PERLIS - Certificate Award
Third Place: SMK BAGAN JAYA, PULAU PINANG - Certificate Award

Best Drum Major
Here are some photos during the competition and a short clip of the show.
Apologizing for the quality of the video but this is the best quality video I could find on YouTube. Will be posting a better one when I get hold with the better ones.

All the best to KHMB and anticipating for greatness to shine in Kuala Terrenganu this coming July. But the question lies at will they able to defend the World title for Malaysia this year? Lets see.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Brooklyn Love Locks

But I hadn’t realised that Brooklyn Bridge was such a popular place for romance. Apparently Brooklyn Bridge has become the place for couples to declare their eternal love to each other by attaching a padlock to the bridge.

Scores of locks have been lovingly left on the bridge, some with messages, names or dates written on them, others plain. Despite the fact that it is actually illegal to attach anything to the bridge, there are these handy little loops all over the place, which people have cleverly made use of.

The tradition dates back to a book by Italian novelist Federico Moccia, which became popular when it was turned into a film, “Tre Metri Sopra il Cielo” (“Three Steps Over Heaven“), in 2004. Following the popularity of the movie, couples began declaring their love on the Ponte Milvio in Italy. Sometime later, perhaps around 2007, the tradition made its way over the Atlantic to the US, and people began to attach their love locks to the Brooklyn Bridge.

As I said, it is illegal to leave these locks on the bridge, but no one seems to be doing anything about removing them. And, really, what harm are they doing? I wonder now if that scene in Sex and the City was inspired by this tradition of declaring one’s love on Brooklyn Bridge, although Miranda and Steve don’t actually leave a lock. What do you think? Is leaving a lock on a bridge a good way for a couple to declare their eternal love? Would you do it?

When Season Change

In my time I've seen somethings
People come and people go.
I've seen the colors autumn brings,
And how winter rain turns into snow.

And this I know for sure
Though seasons change I must endure.
For you promised you'll be there when seasons change.

The fire of my soul
Though with time this house grows old
Will remain as long as I can feel you abiding in me
For you promised you'll be there.
It's good to know that you still care
For you promised you'll be there when seasons change

Oh, the fire of my soul
Though with time this house grows old
Will remain as long as I can feel you abiding in me
For you promised you'll be there
It's good to know that you still care
For you promised you'd be there when seasons change
For you promised you'd be there when seasons change 
For you promised you'd be there when seasons change

Dubbed from the movie OST "The Gospel" 
Sang by the beautiful Tamyra Gray. This song was somehow just could relate to those with a broken heart. A lost of a soul in life. A moment when things changed but there ain't anything we could do. Whenever there are the beauty of losing there is gaining. I was just talking to Mr D about how much we could lose sometimes, and the fact was how much we could mourned about it till we didn't see what we have actually gain in life. 

Yes, everyone is bound to have a broken heart. Yes, everyone is afraid of the pain caused. But to me, I am not. At certain times, there are many things that just the family and friends around you could changed that little detail in our heart. Being able to really feel what we have really done to ourselves even sometimes it is not at our fault some times. But having said that, I am not referring to myself as I am a sinner.

But the fact is, afterall the pain, I know one thing for sure. I am alive. Which sometimes is a sad case but on the other hand, to learn what is the beauty of love. And the beauty of uncertainty besides death. Nothing stays forever. We do what we ought to get. At a point of a beautiful gospel. I am sinking in now with what I have learned from the past. My past. A beautiful yet painful one. I am blessed that I still feel everything of it.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

It Hurts Like Hell

Love was always supposed to be
Something wonderful to me
To watch it grow inside yourself
To feel your heart beside itself

Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
(When you know you've given all you can)
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
(You do your best but it's still much too sad)
Sometimes the pain is just too much,
And it hurts like hell, that's the way it feels

True love, it has no hiding place
It's not something you just put away
It's always there inside of you
Oh, and it shows in everything you do

Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
(When you know you've given it your best)
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
(You feel a thousand miles from happiness)
Sometimes the pain is just too much,
And it hurts like hell, that's the way it feels

Here we are, the two of us
So full of love, so little trust
But dying for some tenderness
Ohh, but too afraid to take the step

Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
(When you know what it can put you through)
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
(There's nothing funny if it's killing you)
Sometimes the pain is just too much
And it hurts like hell, that's the way it feels

I know if there is any chance
For us to find our happiness
We've got to learn to let it go
Ohh, forget all the pain we know

Sometimes it hurts to love so bad

After listening to song a friend posted on facebook. I went on digging into the queen of soul Aretha's song. And now one of the songs I am looping is this. She is just phenomenal. I feel everything that she sang and convey through music was just out of this world. And now I am trying to feel what the song meant. It was the soundtrack for Waiting To Exhale. Cast by Whitney Houston, Mary J Blige and many more. I guess since I am bed ridden now at the moment, why not look for more movies to watch and understanding all the classics of the motive and the soul of the songs. Somehow this let me get things out of my mind. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

당신을 사랑하게 메모리

내가 절대 잊지 못할 밤. 웬일인지 그것이 제 인생에서 가장 아름다운 순간이었다. 모든 요점을 외우는 카드를 떠나는하고 수행하기 위해 상승했다. 당신과 함께 그 신비한 밤 축하 하려구요. 단지 두 연인을 위해 공유할 수있는 완벽한 밤이 었어. 당신의 친한 친구들을 당신이 사랑하는 데 사용하는 한 사람과 보내고. 제가 분명하게 이렇게 아름다운이 순간까지 진짜라고 기억, 난 여전히 당신의 존재와 사랑을 느낍니다. 순간 그 케이크와 그 미소를 보았다. 그게 가장 당신을 사랑하는 사람에게 많은 즐거움을 제공합니다. 나는 아직도 우리가 그날 밤 얘기 기억. 우리가 가질 수있는 최고의 아름다운 순간다는. 같이 늙어 성장과 전설이 될 수 있습니다. 하지만 그 소원은 짧게 살았습니다.

오늘은 아주 많이 사랑하는 사람에게 얘기하고 있었어요. 그리고 한 가지를 언급​​ 않았다. 나는 영원히 죄책감과 함께 살아야 해요. 내가 모든 걸 망치 엉덩이가 그랬 거든. 나는 모든 것을 잃을 때까지 네가 얼마나 좋은 사람인지 몰랐어. 나는 욕망에 굴복한 나의 욕망에 대한, 나의에 부여했습니다. 그리고 거기에 당신이 나를 물어 순간 두 번했지만, 난 당신이 깨진 떠난하고 떠나야 할 시간이 다른 옵션을 선택합니다.

가장 고통스런 순간 몇 달 후, 당신은 내가 당신의 가슴에 할로윈을 떠난 못한 이유를 묻는 내게 비명 지르고되었다. 우리가 떨어져 순간이 나의 인생에서 가장 생생한 고통이있었습니다. 통증이 극심한했고 아무것도 상심에 비교할 수 없었다. 이 순간에 오늘,이 순간을 즐긴 일을 봐달라 것은 화가였다. 난 지금까지, 난 아직 준비가 아니라고 말을해야합니다. 우리는 실행할 수있는, 우리가 숨길 수 있지만, 그것은 여전히​​ 매우 결국 당신을 괴롭 힙니다. 당신의 심장 박동 소리를 검색했습니다. 나는 생명의 징조를 찾고 있었거든요. 당신이 떠난 후에 아무것도 살아 없었다. 나를 안고 있었어요 유일한 죄책감 때문. 난 오늘 비행 되길 바라진 않았어하는 형태로 스스로 더 빠지다

그리고 시간이 과거로, 난 우리가 깰 수있는 수천 가지가 실현. 하지만 당신은 위대한 사람이 있었다. 당신은 나와 완전히 자신을 했네요. 어떤 난 정말 그것에 대해 감사해야합니다. 그것은 나에게 최고의 선물이었다. 그리고 나는 나를 살아했습니다. 예, 우리는에 옮겼습니다. 하지만 난 내 자신을 용서가? 저도 확실치가 않아요.

오늘이 듭니다하지만, 난 그것이 올 것이 옳은는 것을 알아요. 그것이 나를 통해 흘러 보자. 나는 혼자가 아니에요 알아요. 감사 미스터 D 그 사람이 늘 것입니다. 당신의 공감으로 저는이 통과 할 수있을 것입니다 알아요. 그것은 내가 할 일이 위해 옳은 것입니다. 이 모든 고통이 오늘 나를 이렇게했다. 그리고 수업은 배운 것이 더 중요한 무엇이다. 죄책감 난 평생을 보내야한다. 지금은 모든 게 쉬울 내가 이동이 났으면 좋겠 싶어요. 그러나이 질문을 움직이나? 그것은 아니었지만 내가 선택한 모든 것을 나 자신도 용서해야 할 때에 자리잡고 있습니다. 내 과거의 게시물을, 내가 가장 사랑하는 사람을 다치게하고 내 자신에게 상처를 줬어. 난 아직도 아기 J.하지만 어쩌면 이것 만큼은 삶 사랑스러운 당신이 그리워요. 당신의 회비를 냈어요. 이제 내 지불 나를 위해 시간이다.

난 당신이 너무보고 싶어요

A Glimpse Through A Vivid Past

13th June 2009

A night where I couldn't ever forget. Somehow it was the most beautiful moment in my life ever. Remembering to every point, leaving a card and rose for you to follow. Celebrating that wondrous night with you. It was just a perfect night to be shared for two lovers. Spending with your close friends and the one you use to love. I remember clearly it was so beautiful and real till this very moment, I still feel your presence and love. The moment you saw that cake and that smile. It brings so much joy to the person who loves you most. I still remember what we talked about that night. Saying that it was the most beautiful moment we could have. To grow old together and be legends. But that wish was short lived. 

I was talking to someone I love very much today. And I did mention one thing. I have to live with that guilt forever. Because I was an ass to ruin everything. I didn't realize how great a man you were till I lose everything. I have given in to lust, given in to my desire, my cravings. And there was the moment you asked me twice but I choose the other option which left you broken and the time for you to leave. 

The most painful moment was after months, you were screaming at me asking why did I left a hallow in your chest. The moment we were apart, there was the most vivid pain in my life. The pain was excruciating and nothing could compare to a heartache. Tonight at this moment, reliving this moment was mad. I have to say till this very day, I am still not ready. We can run, we can hide, but it will still haunts you in the very end. I was searching the sound of your heart beat. I was looking for a sign of life. Nothing was alive after you left. The only thing that was holding me was guilt. I indulge myself more in a form that I never wanted to be in. 

And as time past, I realize there are a thousand ways for us to break. But you were a great man. You cut yourself totally with me. Which I really have to thank you for that. It was the best thing for me. And I made me out alive. Yes, we have moved on. But have I forgive myself? I am not sure too.

But as tonight comes, I realize that it is the right thing for it to come. Let it flow through me. I know I am not alone. Thankful that Mr D who is always there. With your empathy I realize I will be able to go through this. It is the right thing for me to do. All these pain made me who I am today. And what is more important that the lessons learned. A guilt I have to bring on my entire life. I wish things could be easier and wish that I could move on. But is moving on the question? It wasn't but it lies at when should I forgive myself for everything I have chosen. Realising the past post of mine, I hurt the person I love most, and I hurt myself. I still miss you dearly baby J. But maybe not this life. You paid your dues. Time for me to pay mine now.


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A Song For You My Dear

I know that I am going away
I'll be back soon
There's things I've gotta do
So don't you even dare
Give me that "come back" stare
'Cause you know I'm not that strong, no

I need to say goodbye
But every time I try
Something you do
Pulls me back into you
So tell the driver please
That I'm not gonna need
His services tonight, oh no

You got a way
Of making me stay
You got my heart in your hands
You got a way
Of saying my name
That I can't resist
You got a way with me

No matter how I try
I just can't say goodbye
When I see that smile
It makes me stay for a while
So we're not gonna leave
Until the autumn trees
Turn from red to winter gray
Yes, that's what I say

You got a way
Of making me stay
You got my heart in your hands
Yes, you've got a way
Of saying my name
That I can't resist
You got a way with me

No, I can't resist
'Cause you've got a way with me
In so many ways listening to Thank You Camellia and this song struck me right in the heart. Every word meant every single emotion that I am feeling right now. At that point I think back the last time I met you, I dare not even dare to bring up that topic. Because I know I am not that strong. But all the emotions fits when it brings me back to that moment in life. 

Lying here in the ward and couldn't possible move my lower part but still trying to get up. The frustration of the pain that kept me wanting to be better. But could I possibly do it? I am extremely tired. And honestly, I don't feel like talking to anyone at the moment. Because no one will ever know what I am feeling and I really don't wanna make them understand either. But having said that, I still have somebody out there that would understand. But just that I couldn't reach out. 

2 more days for me and I am not feeling any better. Would I break this year round knowing that I couldn't do anything to make me forget? I am feeling everything crumble down. Nothing much on my part that I could possibly do but to bare with everything. Sometimes, I wish it all ended long ago, the pain is excruciating and I don't know how to use words to describe. I feel I just wanted to live without this curse. This half life I am having, isn't a blessing at all. Am I talking on my condition or am I talking on my emotions? I am now being blinded by the physical pain that I am bounded by the emotions.

The New Malaysia Airlines Airbus A380 Interior

Here are some compiled pictures of the interior of the new Airbus A380 for the national carrier.

Malaysian Now Can Fly Direct Flights To Boston

MALAYSIA Airlines (MAS) is targeting to complete code-sharing arrangements with four more oneworld member airlines, a day after announcing the signing of similar agreement with another member of the global alliance, Japan Airlines (JAL).

To date, MAS has signed 23 code-sharing agreements with various airlines and is looking at signing more as a strategy to extend its reach without having to mount its own flights.

The national carrier is now in discussion to have code-sharing arrangement with oneworld members, namely American Airlines, British Airways, Qantas and Finnair.

"Discussion with Finland's Finnair is closing and the code-sharing agreement may be concluded by year-end," MAS senior vice-president of international affairs Germal Singh Khera told Malaysian reporters here.

MAS announced the agreement with JAL at a press conference held on the sidelines of the two-day International Air Transport Association (IATA) annual general meeting, which started here yesterday.

A code-share agreement is an aviation business arrangement where two or more airlines share the same flight. A seat can be purchased on one airline but is actually operated by a cooperating airline under a different flight number or code.

Under the code-share, which will commence on July 1, JAL will begin marketing MAS flights between Malaysia and Japan, as well as five other domestic points and seven regional destinations such as Bangalore, Chennai, Hyderabad and Mumbai.

Conversely, MAS will place its flight indicator MH on JAL-operated flights connecting Tokyo (Narita) and Fukuoka, Nagoya and Sapporo in Japan, as well as to nine international cities including Hong Kong, Taipei, Seoul, Guam, Honolulu and across the Pacific to Boston, Chicago and New York.

Covering up to 347 weekly flights of 51 sectors, the selling of the MAS-JAL code-share service will begin today. The code-share on the Malaysia-Japan trunk route covers MAS' 11 times weekly Kuala Lumpur-Tokyo return flights and the six times weekly Kuala Lumpur-Osaka return flights as well as JAL's daily Tokyo-Kuala Lumpur return flights.

"The code-share between Malaysia and Japan will offer the travelling public in both countries more choices of flight. It will offer flexibility to passengers as under the code-share, the frequency of flights is effectively increased," Germal said.

MAS head of commercial Dr Hugh Dunleavy, who represented the national carrier in exchanging aircraft models with JAL's chairman Masaru Onishi as a symbolic gesture of the code-share, said it is on track to become a full member of oneworld by year-end.

"As much as we want to sign code-share agreements with more oneworld members, our focus now is to ensure that we become a full member of the alliance by year-end," he said.

Meanwhile, in a statement released here, MAS group chief executive officer (CEO) Ahmad Jauhari Yahya said the partnership with JAL provides the national carrier the opportunity to expand its reach without having to mount its own flights to cities in Japan and beyond in North Asia and the US.

"This code-share is expected to greatly contribute towards increased tourist arrivals into Malaysia. As one of the most affordable tourist destinations in the Asia Pacific region, we are confident that more tourists from other parts of Japan will take the opportunity to use this code-share and visit Malaysia."

Earlier, when opening the meeting, IATA director- general and Tony Tyler said the global airline industry profits for 2012 are projected to be US$3 billion (RM9.5 billion), unchanged from the last update in March.

While the recent fall in oil prices, stronger-than-expected growth in passenger traffic and a bottoming out of the freight market are driving improvements in the outlook, these are being offset by the deepening European sovereign debt crisis, he said.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love we've been working on

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms

We're going down
And you can see it too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand

We're going down
And you can see it too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

Go cry about it, why don't you?
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Lying here in this familiar yet strange room. And getting myself ready for the worst that is coming. In 3 days time, a history will be relived. Am I ready to face it yet again? I am not sure. I was never sure when it comes back to you. Till this very day, I still am missing you very much baby. You were the only one I would call baby and meant it by heart. In sure time, it will become easier year by year for me to face this. 

It will mark 3 years now without you in my life. Yes, especially now, I am thinking how are you doing now. I wish all the best in life with whatever and whoever will be there by your side.Repeating this song on my iTunes, it really makes me feel grateful that our path crossed. I remembered clearly how we both celebrate your birthday 3 years ago. I thought that time would really heal everything. Yes it did but your memory are still fresh. And I was silly and did stupid things that made me realize how to love. Yet I am thankful without you, I will never learned to be who I am today.

Yes baby, I still miss you very much everyday in my life. Even I don't talk about it any more but you have sowed the seeds deep down within. The memory that you cried out that I have dug a hollow on your chest at that moment you needed me. But we both moved on. I am living with that guilt and fear that I would ever do that to the person I love now. You were right baby, when I was with you, I only love myself and I didn't cared about what you felt till I lost everything. 

But it was a past, a past that brought me the present. This is the only song that made me realize when the moment both souls aren't inter-wind, the love will never grow no matter what we both do. It was really that we both know. Like how the lyrics says, 

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room 

Friday, June 8, 2012

I'd Fight For You

I can tell something’s not the same
Cause we’re both losing at the loving game
We’re hanging from words
Your tongue is a fire
And I can’t keep putting out the flames

There was a time when you could tell the world
That you, you knew I would fight for you
You knew I would fight for you
But now I know that I can’t let you go
Cause I wrote the last song i’ll write for you
The last song i’ll write for you

I’ve been waiting just to feel this way
Where my night’s not made by every day
That you ever had, the good and the bad cause I
I’m through calling out your name

There was a time when you could tell the world
That you, you knew I would fight for you
You knew I would fight for you
But now I know that I can’t let you go
Cause I wrote the last song i’ll write for you
The last song i’ll write for you

We’re just drifting apart
Two beats in two different hearts
Before I say goodnight, I want you to know

There was a time when you could tell the world
That you, you knew I would fight for you
You knew I would fight for you
But now I know that I can’t let you go
Cause I wrote the last song i’ll write for you
The last song i’ll write for you

Now I know that I can’t let you go
Cause I wrote the last song i’ll write for you
This is the last song I'll write for you
Sometimes, thinking back if our position would change what would I do for you. But this is something very personal I suppose and only I will know what will I do for you. Going under for the 3rd time would be really tough for me at this point. But I know sometimes, this is what I would do. I asked sometimes, why would I wanna do this? To be able to be part of your life. Even at the furthest place on earth. 

I know this isn't a thing that many would understand. But this is also isn't a thing for. In a world where just two of us exist, what matters is how I feel and what I would go a distance for. Sometimes, this will just be a part of my life that be a question mark. To me, it just fits perfectly. I know this is what I feel very much at this point of time.

Thursday, June 7, 2012


What do you do
when you've done all you can
And it seems like it's never enough?
And what do you say
when your friends turn away,
and you're all alone?
Tell me, what do you give
When you've given your all,
and it seems like
you can't make it through?

Well you just stand
when there's nothing left to do
you just stand
Watch the lord see you through
Yes after you done all you can,
You just stand

Tell me,
how do you handle the guilt of your past?
Tell me, how do you deal with the shame?
And how can you smile
while your heart has been broken
and filled with pain?
Tell me what do you give
when you've given your all
Seems like you can't make it through?

Child you just stand,
when there's nothing left to do
You just stand
Watch the Lord see you through
Yes, after you've done all you can
You just stand.

Stand and be sure
Be not entangled in that bondage again
You just stand, and endure.
God has a purpose.
Yes, God has a plan.

Tell me what do you do
when you've done all you can
And it seems like you can't make it through
Child you just stand
You just stand

Don't you dare give up (You Just)
Through the storm (Stand), Stand through the rain (Stand)
Through the hurt (Stand), jet through the pain (You just)
Don't you bow (stand), and don't bend (Stand)
Don't give up (Stand), no, don't give in (You just)
Hold on, (Stand) just be strong (Stand)
God will step in (Stand), and it won't be long (You just)

After you done all you can (After you done all you can)
After you done all you can (After you done all you can)
After you gone through the hurt (After you done all you can)
After you gone through the pain (After the yo done all you can)
After you gone through the storm (After you done all you can)
After you gone through the rain (After you done all you can)

Prayed and cried
(After you done all you can) Prayed and you've cry
(After you done all you can) Prayed and cry

After you done all you can you just stand

*Something I wanted to tell you that I didn't manage to. Call me a coward but this is for you. We have given our all. We have prayed, We have cried, Now is the time to give everything in to the higher power to hold. No matter what is set for me, it will be the way it is. I want you to know I am doing everything that I could to stay here with you. I know that now the only thing that matter to me is you. I will be breathing on to give everything we could for us to hold on to. This is the way I could do. Sing this to you to make you understand that we have done what we can and now it is not in our hands to what will happen next. But I will always have you here with me. No matter where I am.*

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Never Said

Always in a rush
Never stay on the phone long enough
Why am I so self-important?
Said I'd see you soon
But that was, oh, maybe a year ago
Didn't know time was of the essence

So many questions
But I'm talking to myself
I know that you can't hear me any more
Not anymore
So much to tell you
And most of all goodbye
But I know that you can't hear me any more

Always talking shit
Took your advice and did the opposite
Just being young and stupid
I haven't been all that you could've hoped for
But if you'd held on a little longer
You'd have had more reasons to be proud

So many questions
But I'm talking to myself
I know that you can't hear me any more
Not anymore
So much to tell you
And most of all goodbye
But I know that you can't hear me any more

The longer I stand here
The louder the silence
I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear
Your voice when the wind blows
So I talk to the shadows
Hoping you might be listening 'cos I want you to know

It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
And as I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I never said
I can't take back the words I never said

Sunday, June 3, 2012


但, 爱也让我们找到对方.
陶醉在我们的怀抱里, 让我们拥有的 "现在"



This was the only image sowed deep down.

Broken Bridges

Where a moment there I saw something similar,
Something that I felt so different yet familiar.
I felt the tiredness within you but I couldn't feel that you were going through.
Somehow it brings you into something that no one could ever know how you feel inside.

Let go of yourself, let it flow out from within you.
The heart you have was as beautiful as gold.
Let go of yourself, let you bring you to where it will bring you.
The faith you have is still strong.
Let go of yourself, let you bring yourself love and faith.
The past will be a past. What you have is now.
There aren't broken bridges when you know where you are heading to.

The only way and I could feel is a soul screaming for acceptance.
But I knew somehow you will be all grown up and and whole.
Time is the only thing that was blurring your path.
Patience and faith is all you gotta have.
All this broken bridges are never broken.

Let go of yourself, let it flow out from within you.
The heart you have was as beautiful as gold.
Let go of yourself, let you bring you to where it will bring you.
The faith you have is still strong.
Let go of yourself, let you bring yourself love and faith.
The past will be a past. What you have is now.
There aren't broken bridges when you know where you are heading to.

Have faith, let go to find the roots before you have branches,
Have love, let go of all that binds you and let the unknown unfold.

Let go of yourself, let it flow out from within you.
The heart you have was as beautiful as gold.
Let go of yourself, let you bring you to where it will bring you.
The faith you have is still strong.
Let go of yourself, let you bring yourself love and faith.
The past will be a past. What you have is now.
There aren't broken bridges when you know where you are heading to.

I Need A Doctor

I'm about to lose my mind
You've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life

I told the world, one day I would pay it back
Say it on tape, and lay it, record it
So that one day I could play it back
But I don't even know if I believe it when I'm saying that
Ya'll startin' to creep, and everyday is just so gray and black
Hope? I just need a ray of that
'Cause no one sees my vision when I play it for 'em
They just say its wack
But they don't know what dope is
And I don't know if I was awake or asleep when I wrote this,
All I know is, you came to me when I was at my lowest
You picked me up, brething life in me
I owe my life to you
But for the life of me, I dont see why you don't see like I do
But it just dawned on me you lost a son
Demons fightin' you, it's dark.
Let me turn on the lights and brigthen me and enlighten you
I don't think you realise what you mean to me
Not the slightest clue
'Cause me and you were like a crew
I was like your sidekick
You goin' either wanna fight when I get off this fuckin' mic
Or you goin' hug me
But I'm out of options, there's nothing else I can do cause ,

I'm about to lose my mind
You've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life

It hurts when I see you struggle
You come to me with ideas
You say they're just pieces so I'm puzzled
'Cause the shit I hear is crazy
But your either getting lazy or you don't believe in you no more
Seems like your own opinion's, not one you can form
Can't make a decision, you keep questioning yourself
Second guessing and its almost like your begging for my help
Like I'm your leader
Your susposed to fucking be my mentor
I can endure, no more,
I demand you remember who you are
It was you, who believed in me
When everyone was telling you don't sign me
Everyone at the fucking label, let's tell the truth
You risked your career for me
I know it as well as you
Nobody wanted to fuck with the white boy
Dre I'm crying in this booth
You saved my life, now maybe its my turn to save yours
But I can never repay you, what you did for me is way more
But I aint giving up faith and you aint giving up on me
Get up Dre, I'm dying I need you, come back for fuck's sake 'cause ,

I'm about to lose my mind
You've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life

Bring me back to life
Bring me back to life
(I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life)

It literally feels like a lifetime ago
But I still remember the shit like it was just yesterday though
You walked in, yellow jump suit
Whole room, cracked jokes
Once you got inside the booth, told you, like smoke
Went through friends, some of them I put on
But they just left, they said they was riding to the death
But where the fuck are they now?
Now that I need them I don't see none of them
All I see is Slim
Fuck all you fair-weather friends
All I need is him
Fucking backstabbers
When the chips were down you just laughed at us
Now you 'bout to feel the fucking wrath of Aftermath, faggots
You goin' see us in our lab jackets and ask us where the fuck we been?
You can kiss my indecisive ass crack maggots and the crackers ass
Little Cracker Jack beat making wack math,
Backwards producers, Im back bastards
One more CD and then I'm packing up my bags and as I'm leaving
I'll guarantee they scream Dre don't leave us like that man cause ,

I'm about to lose my mind
You've been gone for so long
I'm running out of time
I need a doctor
Call me a doctor
I need a doctor, doctor
To bring me back to life
Bring me back to life

At this very moment when this song is played. I suppose this is what I felt after this morning. A moment there I was really wondering how to put this in words but this song says it all. The lyrics reflects what is within! Trying to stay strong on this! I hope I will pull it through.

Saturday, June 2, 2012


At this point, I was really thinking of the few options that I have left in my hands. I grew anxious and nervous. But what I could say that I gotta have a little more faith in me. The journey is about to begin. But the least I have is something to remember and all the love and blessing from all my friends. The only thing that I am really glad is to one of the most important people I have in life, I will be seeing him tomorrow. But I still do not know how to drop the bomb to him. I am pretty sure he will be taking it well.

I finally talked to Mr D about the journey today. And as usual, he is like finally! Kinda hate that he always rape what I am thinking in my mind. But I am honoured to have him all this while. He played a great part in my life. Showing the most important thing life could share. Love and faith. I do not know how to thank enough for everything he had changed my life.

Sitting here at the edge of the bed, listening to Adele Hometown Glory. Flowing in with her voice and letting the music overpower me. I feel every bit that I am. Being alive, being to feel pain, being able to love, being able to breath. Being able to live the wonder of my world.

To live is to embrace fear and pain. With love, we conquer fear and pain. The melody was living within me and it was purely just like a dream. Totally naked, just me without anything on. No mask, no pretence, no fear, no pain and no shame. Letting everything of the words bring me into that part that I have no visited in months. I grew in the beauty of fear. But I embraced the pain. Knowingly it is an unknown journey but I will prevail. Everything now is in place. Everything is falling into place but health. The wealth of living on. I let it grow stronger and letting myself go tonight. Being naked lying on the floor without the fear of being judge.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Poem Of Love

See! the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea: -
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?

My heart to you is given:
Oh, do give yours to me;
We'll lock them up together,
And throw away the key.

How did it happen
that their lips came together?
How does it happen that birds sing,
that snow melts,
that the rose unfolds,
that the dawn whitens
behind the stark shapes
of trees on the quivering summit of the hill?
A kiss,
and all was said.

The hours I spend with you
I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden,
a dim twilight,
and a fountain singing to it.
You and you alone
make me feel that I am alive.
Other men it is said have seen angels,
but I have seen thee
and thou art enough.

Tell me how many beads there are
In a silver chain
Of evening rain,
Unraveled from the tumbling main,
And threading the eye of a yellow star:
So many times do I love again.

When you're in love
you never really know
whether your elation
comes from the qualities
of the one you love,
or if it attributes them to him; 
whether the light
which surrounds him
like a halo comes from you,
from him,
or from the meeting of your sparks.

Stay With Me

At this very moment, I still felt nothing at all. Maybe it takes some time for it to settle in. Feeling your passing is something I didn't see at all but I know no one is able to conquer death. Acceptance was the only thing we could held on to. I still do not know how I feel at this moment. I really don't. All I could feel is like without you now, everything is just different. I felt naked and I couldn't possibly relate to that pain everyone is having now.

Maybe acceptance of death is way much easier for me than anything else. To me everyday living is a blessing. I can't stop it or make that change about it. But one thing for sure, old memories flooded me. It isn't like walking down memory lane. It is like being push to that moment in life that we are trying to get over with. I do not know getting over with is the right word to use. Or I should say that trying to live with that memory and coping with it from time to time.

Sitting there with Rainer tonight, showed her a few new tunes that I wrote and there was one thing she said, it sounded right whenever you let your emotions overpower you. I know it is not an easy task but it is something you do best. While I was waiting for my ride earlier, all the memories starting to flood in. And I realize it is 12 more days to your birthday and 22 days marking the 3 years mark of losing you totally in my life.

I would be lying if I say I do not miss you at all. I know that it is just a button for me to iMessage you to ask for your well-being. But I know after all these, we both we broken. Even that we both are not together any more and you moved on ever since. Sometimes, I do ask myself is it a blessing or a curse for me to hold on to this. But what the hell with it. I know that because of you everything I am is being mould into today.

Repeating Kelly's Because of You for Shinigami version, I realize how beautiful that tune was. It was totally a different emotion and all. I never played this song ever since I got it till tonight. Looping it on my iTunes. And maybe like the song is being convey, I am still afraid and I learn from everything we had and lose. Crying with the same damn thing and feeling the pain that lasted this long. All the emotions were real. And because of you I am afraid. The most painful moment was seeing you walking away with your back leaving behind everything with that closure. At that moment, I realize nothing is more painful that a heartache.


Where Broken Heart Goes

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Live to love and love to live. The motto that I held on my entire life. Just a regular guy who loves what I am passionate in life. A song writer and producer. Living life on the move. From Malaysia to The States, New Zealand to Singapore. With the companion of great people in life. In and out from the music industry. Taking everything one step at a time. 
Eric believe what Eric says~ Cuz Eric is God~