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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Details in The Fabric

In the early hours of today, it was still raining when I woke up. Somehow I was kinda uneasy the whole night. Somehow when emotionally someone is not stable, our physical mode somehow will get affected. And when I receive the message I somehow knew my intuition is right.

When u tweeted me in the morning, my heart just drop and died-ed. I somehow was worried as hell. I would be lying if I say I am not. But It did make me felt a little better when I know your sister is taking care of you.

Yet again the question kept running within me. But I really don't care any more. I would not care any kinda perceptions that others may think of me. All I wanted is your health and happiness. And I really do not know how to put your smile back there. And at last something came up to me. Out of no where. This came so perfect. Mr D, I want you to know no matter what, you know only you yourself can free you from the pain you are holding on to. I am doing everything. But without you letting yourself free, it will not able to achieve anything.

Mr D, I never ever gave up on you. Please don't give in. Yes, I am very scared. Scare of losing you. I still wanted to go Hong Kong with you. So many things we wanna do together. Please get well. please.. 

This is for you. I will be there by your side till the end, but you have to know you are doing this not for me or anyone. Just for yourself. Please let us love you. It was never a burden. It was never any responsibility or anything. It is just too much we haven't done. I have fought my fight. Don't give up on me now. You will get well, I know you will.. Please.. please.. If you will read this post, you will understand why this song is for you. I just want you to know I am always here with you. Just by your side. 

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If its a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything
Everything will be fine

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all

Hold your own
And know your name
Go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own)
Are the things that make you panic (Know your name)
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way.

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own)
Are the things that make you panic (Know your name)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine? (Go your own way)
Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own)
Hell no reason go on and scream (Know your name)
If youre shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Monday, January 30, 2012

Blocked Out Of The Heart

Nothing in life seems meaningful
Nothing in life seems beautiful
All I have is love for you
I live for you and only you...

You are the ray of hope I have seen
Nothing in life could be as good as it has been
Don't stay away from me
Ah! My heart longs together to be.

It's been long, very long
You are the one to whom I belong
Life has not been easy
You are the one who could set me free.

Commitments we had shared
So we were ready and dared
How can we get our dream this way
Individually, with time to spare!

Fast days are passing by
Together we got to fly
Now no time to step back
Asking time to set a track.

I live for you and only you
Together I am sure we can make it true
Let's get together and love each other
With nothing in this world to bother.

I live for you, You live for me
This is the way it should be
Because, I live for you and only you
Nothing in life can be as beautiful as you.

After reading this beautiful stanzas by Benhur Saons, I kinda feel why more and more poets and writers all yearns for a love which is proclaimed as self satisfactions. I sometimes wonder am I doing the right thing when everyone thinks I am such a dump ass. Honestly, I don't really care about how others wanna label or claim me as I know I owned myself. Months ago when decided to take on this journey, I knew it was never easy. And deep down, I know I wanted nothing but your health and happiness. I really do  understand that the pain and hardship you are going through in life now. 

I was defeated today. I was talking to Cornflakes about myself and my own problems. But as what he does best, telling me it was the right path and choice. All I have to do is keep loving him and give the best to make it right for myself. As supportive as he was always. 

I know sometimes it felt like being betrayed and sentence to death when you really got no one to turn to. I know I should not feel lost at points like this but I really don't know how. Honestly, I felt disconnected. Something and sometimes, it was just a thing we say hi and brushing off things. I wanted to talk it out, but I am just too far away at the moment to even make things right. 

I really can't read minds My Jo, ( Scottish meaning of dear) But all I felt you felt you will somehow burden and couldn't return the care and love providing to you. And you wanted to just run off the way it is. I was the way you were if what I felt was right. But you changed me to say it is ok to let people into our life and let them love and care. I really don't know what else I would able to make it right. And I know now it is extremely hard for ya and I know it will be tough fighting alone. But I am not asking anything in return from ya. I just wanted to stand by you and do what you have given me. Is that too much to ask I wonder sometimes.. .. ..

Or maybe I am just too tired to feel anything and all are not right. I really don't know. I really wish now that the wish I got would really comes true. May all the love and health filled you and make it right again. You are not alone. I am always just here standing beside you. I held on you all this while. But will you let me hold on to make yours right too?  

When there is love, there ain't any judgement nor  prespective even perceptions. It is just the heart beats that counts and counting every beat is just for you~

My Feeling - Your Thought

Your thought just runs through my head,When am awake or in bed.
Life has suddenly taken a big leap,
Happiness is about to heap.
Having you by my side has got the happiness,
I longed for quite a while for this oneness.
Your thought makes me smile,
Helping me cross yet another mile.
I love you lots my sweet lil' baby so smart,
Promising each other to never fall apart...
Let's just enjoy the happiness together,
as it marks the start !

A Wish

I was really caught up with work and was too tired to write anything last night. Yesterday was once of the awesome days that I was in. I was being brought to this very nice restaurant for the most awesomess food. But that wasn't about this post. Zalina took up us to this beautiful retreat centre on top of the hill. It was the most beautiful place I have ever been to.

There was this wonderful beautiful stupa there made out of the offering bowls for monks. I lost count every time I nearly hit 1000 which is not even near to half of the bowls use to build it. One the most beautiful thing was on top of the stupa. There were nearly thousands of bells and chimes. The sound of it was peaceful. I have recorded a short clip to share with you guys.

When I was on top of the pagoda, there were like a lot of bowls there. It was said that those who had their coin toss into it, it will have one wish come true. It looks easy but it actually isn't easy at all. There are only eight bowls at the very tops. The coins will not fall to the floor either. It is either you will get it into the bowl are just right into the pipes above. Wishes comes true only when you throw it into the bowls.

This is how Erin do it. Throwing the coins into the bowls above!
So here comes the adorable cutie Erin, bringing me coins. As most of you know I believe that making my own luck and everything. So relatively my mind was empty. And here goes, believe or not, the 10 bhat went into the bowl. So Zalina ask me to make a wish. As natural it comes, all my mind was just wanted you to get well and just wanna see you healthy. I think until today, one month past, and 2012 had given me more blessings than I am asking for. So I guess this is the right choice too. I am really sorry guys, I wish I would write more. But just my emotions these few days wasn't right at all. I wish I would be at a lighter emotions and definitely promise to write about this trip.

I could summary this working trip as, Busy, Relax, Spiritual and Hopes.
Here are the pictures.. I hope everyone would enjoy it as much with the clip as well.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

My Religion - Love

I have been astonished that
men could die martyrs
for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd
for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.


Sitting here waiting for my uncle in Thailand. I feel sometimes life has it's own way to make things right. Even at times when most doubtful. I was kinda emotional last night with the physical annoyance and mental state. But I bring up the real me within again. When I got up this morning, my brother fell sick and wasn't able to go to Thailand with me. So I decided to go myself by my own style. I took the bus from Kangar to Padang Besar. While I was on my way, my uncle called me up ask me to wait for him and he will send me to Songkla from there. With the low emotions and overflowing from last night, I felt so content now. With just a little faith and a smile, things has changed into a strings of beautiful events.

I was texting with Zalina while I was on my way and she even wanted to come pick me up. But of course, I would go there by myself. She is such a sweet heart even I never met her before. I couldn't wait to go meet her. I have a feeling she would be like Nell. I feel she is also filled with a pocket full of magic dust.Reflecting back on my so called confusing post last night. In facebook many has email me showing their concerns. But what I would say is I live my life myself.

Honestly, I do not know it was me myself or I start to feel the gap between. But I will not explain any further. I am here to stay and I will be myself. Nothing more and nothing less. I will never deny my heart about how I feel and I won't hide. I know maybe you may think I will never understand what or how you feel. But I learn something important this year. Even it is still January. Letting people into our life. Thanks to Mr D to teach me this.Yeah, it is really uncharted waters for me to explore but it is also a territory that I will never know how will that feel if I never try. I have done my part. And seriously, I never felt that good. A long talk with Cornflakes last night till 3-4am on the phone. And irritating Garend. I really see life differently now. Sometimes, we thinks it is best for us but if we just put in a little more effort, things will change and you will never know to the better or worst until you try.Just a little faith and everything will be well.

Well, sitting here at the border waiting is as much fun as I never expect this.But yet again, I  won't deny sometimes living in a culture of insults, we tend to judge most of the time. But when we take our stand and try make that change, this is where the interesting part fill in our story. Till then.


Friday, January 27, 2012

Is Hope Lost?

Wanted to post this on Ricism but in the end, what the hell. I believe all these served as an inspiration to many life out there. And I wanted to share this to have others see the beauty and harshness of life. Ricism will have a long holiday at the moment and stay tune in Ric's Memoirs. 

“Is hope lost?”
The mind-boggling question silently haunting into the wee hours.
Attacks upon attacks upon attacks, 
In broad daylight and even into the glimmers of the sunsets. 
Its refusal to seize almost murdered me.

My constant reply, the only one i know, but still,
“I don’t know.”
The words which form the sentence, free from grammatical errors, sounds perfectly right but, but yet, absolutely meaningless.
There was never really an answer.

Around I trot like defeated titans,
I drag myself through the flames of Sahara,
Bitten was i the frost of Atlantic, 
The tempest, the winds of Katrina,
The seven stages of Hell, my life.

“Almost lost”, my heart whimpers,
Far far far from found,
The will to hold onto the fleeting grip, 
The courage lessened by the days, 
Fear was omnipresent.
Darker the days more than midnight.

“Is hope lost?”
I asked a passing stranger 
with eyes of sunlight and 
Smiles made of rainbow.
“Is hope lost?”
I asked again.
Silence was loud but,
With a touch as calm as the river and 
Kisses as soft as rose, 
A reply, 
“No hope is lost. 
You. You. You 
are the hope itself.”

Dear you,
The strangest and sweetest of things happen when you least expect it. Thank you for bringing me back to life and restoring my hopes. You’ve made me feel things again of which I thought would be impossible. For that, I’m grateful. Until we meet again…
Lots of love

Blessed & Filled With Love

After a strings of drama by my brother's car, I ended up having our first reunion dinner with my family. I always believe everything happen for a reason. I honestly do think I am very blessed, no, I am too blessed! With the extended family from my mother's family, two big tables. But the main attraction of attention stays with my family. Everyone was like having a discipline dinner in jail or something. My family are like the rebels. Loudest and doing everything out of the norm. I guess this explain my usual attitude. And I am not complaining at all. Everyone were looking at us and somehow like we are these weird exotic animals.Then out of no where, one of my mother's cousin asked why are the 6 of us so close? (Including my brother's girlfriend). We just look at them and seriously, how could we ever explain that without sounding like a bitch? See!! I told you guys sometimes it is so hard. If we were to be honest, people will think that we are bitches. But we just smile and brush off and continue with what we do.

Honestly, I am happy and blessed as my family accepted me being gay and everything. All they wanted is my well-being. My youngest brother Elvin was sorta like staying away from the cousin of ours who is utterly nonsense when he got drunk with one cuppa beer. He was really a mess. And I find my brother kinda cute being his own kinda bitch! It runs in the family! Then outta no where, he turn to me and said,

"Kiko, he is like so gay!!! I can't even stand the way he ask me about the things that usually girls ask me. Even you are gay you are like all sorta cool and even your gay friends are cool and awesome. He is like NONSENSE!!"
Elvin is 17 this year. And seriously, the only reaction I wanna give him was a big hug! But in the same time, it was funny! I really felt so touched he could even openly talk about this kinda things. The night went on and more and more interesting things happen. I overheard my father and mother talking to my other brother (Ernie) and his baby (JiaJia) Explaining that why being gay is nothing wrong. It wasn't a choice to be made by me. And no matter what, family should be supportive and happy on whatever decision I made in my life as like I was supportive towards both of them. I seriously am now overwhelm with the joy and love shared by my family. And daddy even says he hope that I would find someone deserving for me and if we decided to get married, he will be there like he did always. I tear up and i pull my youngest brother out to company  me for a cigarette to compose myself.

Love does really makes wonders. But I really do not know how to explain myself. I should be feeling extremely happy with this. But somehow there is like something missing. I am not saying I am not happy. Just something is not there to complete this. Love has no judgement, no discrimination, no race, no age, no gender, no illness, and no boundaries.

I know there are so much love from my family and friends that have shown me. But today I just somehow couldn't run away from the fact the lack of the love I am yearning for in life. The person to grow old with. I know memories are meant to be memories. But today, I felt I was an idiot to have washed the love I had into the drain. But that is a love too sacred for me to hold. He deserve someone better. But yes, I miss the time when we were in love. After I have move on from that, when I fell in love again, I have love a person who is still raw with this. Somehow it doesn't fit the whole picture. The things we wanted in life are different. But glad we didn't burn, we are still close and being supportive with each others decision. And then, another one  is a love that will I never to hold on as the decision was never mine to make. He is much deserving a love that he dream of. I know I will not fit into that picture with him. I am not good enough to make him felt loved and safe. I know I have made the choice of that months ago. I know definitely I am doing this all right.

Maybe is the emotions with all the emo songs playing in the background make me feeling it. Relatively yes I am feeling kinda lonely with Kelly's voice singing some jazzy tunes. I am happy with what I have now and what I am doing. But sometimes, I tend to forget what I am, just a normal human being. Whenever I reflect this, everything flows in. I would be lying if I say I am not thinking of ways to keep you safe and happy. I would not go further about this.I definitely know if you were to read this, you would even walked out and feel I deserve more than this. But if you were to really walk out from me, I will never ever will even forgive you. You promised that you will not judge me. I kept mine that I did not. I will say this again, I decide and manage my own life. I am doing everything on my own accord. I am not expecting anything at all from you but just your well-being. Damn this is hard to make it not obvious! Damn I miss Andrew now, he is always the best to help me make things blurred! Where are you when I need you?! hahaha.. but back to the story, yes I am just doing what I wanted to.

In many ways, even with what I am now, I am really happy. I have had a love which I always dream of. Yes I screwed up, but yeah, everyone makes mistakes in life. But I am kinda content with myself now. Somehow sometimes when I think back of what I had I wanted you to have that. Now I am talking about Mr D. you Now I feel light headed after a few bottles of reds with my family. I am so having faith to finish this post. Mr D, of all people in my life now, you are way on the top of my list! So spare me with your nonsense and embrace your bitch to make life beautiful for ya. All I really want you is have some faith. Not in any other things in life. But yourself! I shall not elaborate here. I know you would kill me. I still love you very much even you gonna chop me into pieces! Hahaha...

Oh my god, somehow I find even what I wrote is confusing now. Which is which? haha.. that is the whole point isn't it? Anyway, back to me. I don't know what could I even say, sometimes, when things build up so much in the inside, I just do not know how should I put in down in words. In many ways, I am complete with what my life is now, having Mr D and the big three, with all of you here, I know I should be content. But all I really wanna be tonight is indulge with the emotions with Kelly's voice and cry. Cry of happiness or loneliness, I seriously couldn't tell. I am kinda feeling the alcohol driving me light headed but sober at the same time. Honestly, I miss love and being love. Just overwhelm really with the love my family shared with me. I guess now my journey this side of my life is completed and I should be building a new one for another journey. To where? I do not know, but time will unfold itself. And while browsing facebook today, I saw this loving couple who are just sharing their love and it is really warmth to me. When many ask me when would I have this? I would just smile and say, I had it, and I know how beautiful it is~

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Fall In Love Again And Again

We came together underneath the stars above.
What started out as liking,
soon developed into love.
I sense a certain something that, 
in my heart,
felt so true that I knew
I waited all my life
to fall in love with you.

To love me back is another story
But for that to happen is not important anymore.
To hold you is just wants
felt so right even where we are now.
But having you life is a gift
felt the sense of certainty of continue
To love you is a blessing
fell into the depths of gratitude to cross path.

We came together underneath the stars above.
What started out as acquittance,
soon developed into love.
I sense a certain something that, 
in my heart,
felt so right just knowing you and the wellness with you.
I waited all my life
to fall in love with you again and again.


Today was one of the day that some random small thing that make it magical. After a hard week sometimes out of no where a wonderful soul would just comes and touched you with the most simple words. Sometimes, I wonder what did I do? Honestly, this blog is like my online journal where I throw things out like nobody's business. I never thought of it would kinda make people dig into it. I know I sometimes gets too emo or being bitchy or even just being a bimbo on this blog. But randomly, I receive an email today from facebook.

A rare thing that I never expect. Saying that he digs into my blog and it sort of like inspire him or something. I was like two eyes pop out like popcorn. It was random and honestly we didn't know each other before this. But it meant so much to me honestly. Sometimes, I really treated this blog like throwing out whatever energy I have from time to time. But it has inspire people and became a faithful follower. And before this, I thought only random gossip lovers would dig into my blog. But today with the compliment given. It inspire me to even write more about the perceptions and what the life issue we are facing. Thank you - Lee Alvin. Your mail really meant a lot to me.

And also, to all my angels. You guys make all these happen to me. Giving me the chance to feel this. With all the love and care. With the acceptance. What I can be is grateful and thankful. Because of you guys, you made me realize about life and how much this fight meant to me. The pain that you guys shared with me, make me even wanna make this change possibles. St James Foundation is not possible at all without your support. Everyday is a turning page and a new chapter. I will be fighting on everyday side by side with you all. In health, in life, and whatever it is. I promise I will be standing beside you guys always. This is a beautiful year for me. Let us make it more magical and wonderful.

And also to Mr D, especially you. Remember, I will always be there for ya. Keep on fighting this fight till the end! I will never give up on you no matter how far or where I am. You know that yourself.

Every page is a beginning of a new story. This is our story. 


We are bombarded with all the people around us. We live in a culture of insults, surrounded with people who are richer than us, have better sex than us.

- Gwyneth Paltrow
This is what we live in. Naturally somehow we are blinded. The society somehow has already made us this way. Many may not even see we were actually being hurt by this fact. In fact, yesterday one of my angel were talking to me. We had an honest talk about what the past has somehow runs us down. Sometimes when we are so blinded with all that is running around so wildly and freely. Many of us sometimes don't realize our words has the abilities to bring others down. Many are not mindful with our actions and speech. In fact, with just a little empathy, we would have made all these barbs into roses. But how many had done it this way?

It was heart breaking sometimes to see the people who we care and love being brought down by words. Common, get real people. Can anyone of you says you never made any mistakes in life? I have made tonnes of wrong decisions in life, wrong actions, and to certain extend sometimes I really broke my family's heart. But what matters really is not being judgemental and just show some empathy towards those we care and love. We would really make a little difference. No one is perfect in life. No one will be Glinda. Hahaha...

But somehow, all the imperfections just brings out the very best of a certain individual. I do see mistakes as a beautiful part in everyone's life. With the mistakes we make, we eventually will become a better person or the worst. I am not saying its all healthy about this. Yes, not many that will turn out to be on the good side. But what is also wrong with some dark side of human? Without the dark, we will never know what is the light right?

Sometimes, we just need to take a step back and see in a different view. Everything we are doing in life, we will always be surrounded with temptations. Those temptations yes is really irresistible. But it is not impossible to resist. Most of us, will indulge. But there are also those who manage to resist. But to be honest, those who are able to resist, they had their fair share of indulgence. (Sometimes more) Ok, I admit. I was a little over when I did indulge. But the fact is, when time comes, people grow older and we start to evaluate what are the things we want in life. Either way, there is never the right or the wrong thing. It is all perceptions. Like myself, whenever someone call me a bitch, I really do see it as a compliment. Even when I was younger, close friends calls me a slut. But what is wrong with that? We live our life. We decide on our own journey in life. Even with temptations, everyone has the right choice to do whatever they decide.

Turning back to myself, do I still wanna stay celibate? Answer is still YES. Its a challenge I have put myself on with. Its my quest to respect every individual as they are. Yes, I did not deny, temptations are there. Especially with all that surrounds me all the time. Yes I am still having the urge. But till now, successfully being celibate since Oct. How is the result treating me? Honest people that care for me as a friend, people who wants nothing but for your happiness filled my life. The whole circle of friends has changed. Everyone around me respected my decision and support me for what I see rightful for me, even some thinks its just nonsense. But yes, they still wants me to be happy as I am. I think this journey has given me a very good start. Hopefully soon, will I be having what I always wish for? Let the year unfold itself. I am waiting for every turning pages in life. Can't wait to see what will happen next.

Without You No.2

A reflection whenever I listen to this song. It is somehow a beautiful memory.

But I think its best to stay as a memory. I sometimes wonder what does it meant to you the time I was still with you. I never felt I was worth anything. I am not complaining nor anything here. Just a past that came around recently. To go back to that time, I don't really think I wanna be back to that time. 

The love was so insecure in many ways. It was kinda mixture. I felt like sometimes when you were near when no one was there with you. But when you have everything, I always feel alone. The loneliness was fearfully even you were lying next to me. It was very painful. But the credit will be given to you too. You made me felt love too. Just in another way. I know no one is perfect and I never want you to be. Maybe it will never be right for us to be together. 

But talking in the future, this is something I will never able to say. Time change, people change. But it will be a path unknown. No point of finding out now. Let time unfold to itself. But all I wanna say is I am complete now and I am happy to be in my own way~ Sharing this song to have a closing chapter in my life.

A closing of  a chapter and a new beginning  of another.

I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you

I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I,
Without you, without.... You

Can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're
Without you, without you

I can't quit now, this can't be right
I can't take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here I'm paralyzed without you, without you

I can't look, I'm so blind
Lost my heart, I lost my mind without you without... You!

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Talk The Talk But Could I Walk The Walk?

Lying on the bed the whole day. I was really thinking about the things I have said in the past. But sometimes, I believe many will agree with me that could we do what we encourage others or consoling them? I talk on a great honour but could I really take up that what I have said? I am not really sure.

Somehow being here doesn't help me at all. I know this is inevitable but what else can I do? The negativity is flowing through me and I am helpless. The more I stay the more my thoughts runs wildly. Back to the topic, somehow an honest answer NO, I can't do it at this moment. Sometimes, I felt I am trying so hard to let them in. Yes I felt better with the support and encouragement. But the burden flows in. I will always still the the burden. At points, I really feel like just do what I do best. - Disappear.

Yes many of you after reading this will even hate me even more. But it is just an honest confession. I really wish I never needed to do this. In many ways, I felt guilty. Guilty of keep pushing a friend that needed is a little care and love. I know that the society issue is something that needed time and education to change. But I have been harsh. I was being inconsiderate.The intention of it wasn't bad. But I didn't really stand in his shoes to say anything. I stood at my own point of view. I officiate my apology publicly here. I wasn't thinking on your stressed that you were facing. I didn't really felt your pain. But I wanted you to know I didn't meant any harm.

With now on my own, where my road will lead? Honestly, I do not know. I am now at a cross road. And I can't decide. Yet decision is to be made. The only question left was when will it be? I don't know. Time will tell. I really am embarrassed with what my actions were. I talk a great talk of acceptance. But I couldn't accept the fact myself. I know, life goes on.

For now, all I prayed for is your wellness. Still waiting for Batman's mail to come. I really wish there is something could do to make this different for. As of myself, decision will be left hanging for the time being. Drained myself out from Kelly's all 5 albums. Looking back at the journey from beginning till this very moment.

But glad somehow I could get things off my mind for a little while. Waiting for my second shot at the moment, trying to let all negativity out. Deep down I always know the only thing I wanted is being well. Living on is a promise. Giving in is unacceptable. I will just have to hold on there till the world begins at the very end. I know I am being loved and cared for. But some what still afraid of the unknown.

And today on facebook. people are starting to post on valentines day. The one I really fear for. Going into the third year, will I able to overcome it this year? I don't know. I tried last year but failed. I do not know will I even wanna try this year. Lets keep the option open shall we? For now, I am still feeling the failure of giving hope. A hope when I myself wasn't able to do it myself. Maybe after my rest I will be alright. Lets see how it goes. Heading off to bed again soon. Maybe I am purely tired.

Monday, January 23, 2012


For the past few days, the only thing I was doing repeatedly was sleeping. I somehow realize I miss sleeping so much. For only one reason. - Dream.

I somehow find dreaming kinda exciting. Things that you are not able to do in real life, you can seems to do in dreams. Tend to be in control over the crazy things. When you dream about something, some place or someone you dislike, you can make it change. Change the place, change the person into something else. It's like being your own director in your own movie. How fun can that be? Awesome isn't it!!!

The one I really think which is extremely funny dream was days ago. Because we were all boys in the family, I dreamed about mommy was preggers. And she given birth to this beautiful baby alien girl! She looks normal like every kid. Not like big head or blue or something. Just that she would grow from an infant to a 2 year old kid in just hours. Want makes it more funny was she was extremely bossy! I thought I was a bitch. But she was even a bigger one compare to me. And the freaky part was, she has an assistant. It was my son - Geneboy (My Pincher) and he walks with his two hind legs and was bossing around with her! I wish I could remember the conversation. Because I laugh till I actually woke up and people look at me at this very weird face.

But there are also dreams that I couldn't control at all. I was actually writing a post about it earlier last night. But somehow I got too emotional and delete it. How stupid right? So it teaches me one little lesson never write when you are irritated or not in a good mood. Somehow I am fearing of losing someone who I care. I was furious about how the society actually see and having perceptions about public illness. I realize yesterday the damage has gone way beyond what I can manage to fix it in one life time. The aftermath of it. Somehow those that suffer from all this social illness even see themselves as a threat and a problem.

Honestly, I was sadden by it. Not just because only the person I cared for reacts this way. But the cause was way damaged. I was naive enough thought I would bring warmth and security to them. But the fact was no matter how hard we try sometimes, I tend to forget how bad they were scared! And scar stays. But no matter how bad the fact is, I will not give up! I need a plan. Education is the most important thing now. Educating the public to understand what are the risk and what are the ways all this could possibly be.

To the person I meant to be. You know I am talking about you here. I really never see you in that eyes. I know the risk and understand the pain you are going though. But you have to start letting yourself see yourself in another way. Yes you are sick now, but you are denying yourself a normal life. For those that understands in an out of the risk and how does it works, I know how lonely you are at times. When you say you couldn't take that overwhelming emotions that everyone is happy, because you look at yourself differently. You really need to see you are not different than us. Just that you have an extra thing to take care of at the moment to be well in the future. There isn't just 20 years for you. There will be 30,40 and many to come.I know you do. But you gotta stop denying yourself that. I really did see you for only you and nothing else. To those who really cares and love you, it is really painful for us to see you this way. I know we will never understand how you are feeling but you need to give us that chance. I am asking for you to give yourself that chance. I said it earlier, I will try to stand in your shoe. But you kept pushing everyone away. Think about it.We just wanted you to be around to share life with us. But do you wanna share yours? It is your call. I am not going to force you. But I will stand here to wait for you to decide. But I will never gonna give up on this fight for you. Because to me, you are worth it. You too have your dreams. I really want you to see you are able to do so. There is nothing to lose. Dream the dream and live the dream. You know you can always count on me to be by your side without judgement, without pretence and without giving up on you. And yes, you didn't ask me to do this. I want it myself.


I look back at this blog, I realize somehow I made it like an open journal of mine. But who really cares right?

I am not trying to give an attitude here but somehow I saw the aftermath have given to those who needed. I am not complaining here, but just I am very sad to know that it's the truth. Many of us are really fighting out there for those who needed. But its somehow just bad I see the aftermath. It was painful to know the truth.

There is no blame at all here. It was just painful to know the person you love and care is still seeing from that point of view. How can I make you feel safe? How can I make this change for you or even those who needed this? I find the perception on the society has soiled so deep in them they think its a sickness. And I believe they do see that it's a burden too.

I am sad, but I won't give up this fight. It is more severe than I think. I will do every single thing I can to change this. I am putting all this to a stop. You been inspiring to me. So I am so going to fight this to the very end. And NO I AM NOT GIVING UP THIS FIGHT!

No matter how bad the aftermath would be, no matter how much you think about it, Nothing is going to change! Until you really see you are deserving. Deserved of being love, deserved of being held, deserved of being cared for. Others may judge you. But I don't. Cause I understand it in and out. I know what to do and what not to. Because of love, I will be the first to take the arrow if anyone even try to hurt you. NO ONE will have say on anything unless they really understand what you are facing and knows your pain. I told myself long time ago, there will be no more tears. This year will be a great start of your journey. I would be the protector to make sure you will only be filled with care and love. You are my angel, let me be yours.

Wonderful Wicked Birthday Celebration 2012

I know this is a little late for the post. I have been a little preoccupied with the recent things I have been working on. But this year's birthday is just pure wicked and beautiful.

Thankful to a bunch of wonderful people in my life. I faced what I have feared all this while. Thank you very much. Special thanks to Nell for coming as well despite the busy schedule you are having at the moment. You were the diamond to the whole celebration.

To Garend and Mr D, thank you for that special cake. It was the most emotional part. I am glad you guys done that. It was one of the awesomess thing. The cake was extremely sinful not forgetting to mention.

Mr D, Nell, Cornflakes, Garend, Michael. You guys made it magical for me. It was a great celebration! Thank you so much! I will summarise this celebration with 3 words, Camwhore, Wicked, and Love!

Who are the ones who cam whore, I admit its me. And as of the others. I let you guys have a say on that.  


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Live to love and love to live. The motto that I held on my entire life. Just a regular guy who loves what I am passionate in life. A song writer and producer. Living life on the move. From Malaysia to The States, New Zealand to Singapore. With the companion of great people in life. In and out from the music industry. Taking everything one step at a time. 
Eric believe what Eric says~ Cuz Eric is God~