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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Trapped In Time

In a world of sin and desire, I have also become your slave.
At any point, I paid a price that caused me so much of miseries.
No one to blame, no one to turn to, I take everything up as a man.
In so many other ways, the pain is really nothing compare what the heart has caused.
I am now at a point of making a change in life. I have made too many mistakes in life.
The one that I really with take to my grave is the one that I have hurt the person I love.

As of today, my parent called me up just as usual saying hi.
And suddenly, " How are things going between you two now? "

I kept silence, I was being taken by surprise. I do not know how to react to that statement.
I wish I would be able to say that things are going to be fine. But somehow, I think we know where we are heading towards. At least for me I know where my path lays.
For months now, I have been going through that feeling of emptiness, hoplessness, and sadness.
But in many ways, I know things gonna be just fine. I am and will be well.
Life may be tough but it isn't as tough as I thought it would be.

The mind comes to a point where it makes me feel that life is worth living.
At least to me it is. living in remorse, living to a future which is uncertain, living towards a hope.
This is what keeping going on. This is what I will be holding on.
All for what is within me will always stay within.
I will live my life my way. I will work through everything that I have made my mind up.
With love, faith, dreams and hope. This is my way.
The path may be very hard now, but towards where I am heading.
It is worth every bit of effort to be well in life.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Leaving Behind

Officially leaving behind room 979.
I hope this will be a new begining for me.
The question of how much I missed my baby doesn't have to be written again and again.
Life is miserably hard here now. But I am doing my best to get on my feet on it.
I never doubted the love you gave in me. I know how hard it is for you.
You always wanted me to be well and happy.
But how can I be when I know deep down how you feel.
No matter what you are trying to hide, Whatever I feel, you are feeling the same thing.
Baby, I really wish I could stand up again.
But I can't lie that I really needed much more time.
I wish we will be well again. Feeling happiness again, feeling the life, feeling the love we share.
I know I was wrong but I am changing myself.
One day.. one day..

Leaving this room somehow isn't that hard. Things in life reflects every bit.
The moment that I have been going through these few weeks.
I know I can't keep on running away from life and people who care.
God, please give me a chance. Please give me a chance to live again.
There are still so much I wanted to do. There is so much I wanted to love.
Please don't give up on me. I won't give up of myself.
because life is simply worth living every moment in life.

I really hope I will never come back to this place ever again.
I wanted to get well so bad. I just wish things will just past.
I really missing you right this moment.
I just somehow hope you would feel it.
Still loving you, Baby J~




Life is worth living. More than anything else~

Friday, August 6, 2010

Black Hole

I am trying to comprehend a lot that had happen these few weeks.
To all the readers who send me mails, I am still well here and thanks for your concern.
It really meant a lot to me with all the support given.
But in many ways, I would want everyone to know, I am not seeking at all of any attention from anyone out there.
This blog like I have mention many times, It is a place for me to throw all my emotions out here and let go of all the negative energy out of me.
But still, I am thankful of all the lovely thoughts of everyone.

I am not seeking professional help from Dr Phang, a psychiatrist in KLGH.
But all the medication doesn't seems to work on me. And with my new life all alone in KL,
I can't help the fact I am running away from reality.
Everyday when I start a day, everything seems fine. When I open my eyes, I am still not use by waking up alone in a strange environment where everything is in a mess.
But I know, I have to go on. Life ain't really good for now.
But I am seeing everything in a good way.
But somehow I am still running away from reality.
I numb myself with my daily activities. But when I am back at home at night,
There is where the black hole comes into the picture.
I felt sharp pains going through my heart, like knifes cutting through me again and again and again.
The loneliness, the emptiness, everything sucks into me.
I am really tired. But I don't know how to overcome this.

A friend somehow told me something.
Maybe you are torturing yourself in a way you hope that you can suck in the pain to lessen the pain from the person you love.
It doesn't make sense to me at first, but somehow, now, I really see what that means.
I was hoping I could take in all the pain than two people suffers.
I really do not know what else I could say anymore at this point.

I have convey my love to my baby,
I am remorsing from my mistakes,
I am changing to be a better person,
But what I can do, I realise I can't take away the pain you are going through.
Cause I know my pain is still so fresh. how can this just end everything.
Every heart beats now, It is all just pure pain.
I really wish, I really wish.
If I could, I wish to suffer for the rest of my life than you suffer.
No doubt, I love you. But I don't know you anymore.
Or I should say, you don't wanna let me know you anymore.

What you are going through deep down, I could understand.
I could feel every single thing.
But on the surface, everything seems so unreal now.
And I slap myself in a way, I am in no position to say anything anymore.
I still miss you very much. I hope I can recover. I hope I can be well and happy too.
But I wouldn't lie to myself anymore.
I am embracing my pain. I have to because, I know the answer I have in my heart,

I still love you very much Baby J~
* Squeezing Elmo in my hands *
 

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Live to love and love to live. The motto that I held on my entire life. Just a regular guy who loves what I am passionate in life. A song writer and producer. Living life on the move. From Malaysia to The States, New Zealand to Singapore. With the companion of great people in life. In and out from the music industry. Taking everything one step at a time. 
Eric believe what Eric says~ Cuz Eric is God~